I am Eustace

I am Eustace. The Lion has cut me deep. I have shed layer upon layer until I finally reappeared. Others recognize me for who I was, yet I cannot find her anywhere. Each layer was painfully lanced off, but it was only necessary. And yet, I have returned to a foreign land, not from. I look around and I see nothing that is of worth to me. I return to a trade I don't believe in, to a people that don't believe in me. I look in the water, and it scares me what I see. Will I just go back? Will I not learn from these pleasant tattoos upon my soul??? I prepare for the season whilst my heart flutters desperately, urging me to listen to its flailing beats. Daily there I lived with too much purpose, too much worth, overflowing use. The cries of the helpless--their ceaseless need made me often unhinged, but without it I ached to know their necessity. Everyone around me seems to be moving forward on the right foot, but none of my shoes fit. This change, this evolution has left me stranded in a strange state. I wait by the roadside for the bus to the new world, but everyone keeps passing me by. I cannot live without it anymore--I have tasted purpose, being, selflessness, smiles, hugs, kisses, momentous occasions, miracles in tiny hands and feet. I cannot go back down the rabbit hole of unconsciousness...but where will I go...I fidget to stop the tears...where is the bus?

I'm BAAAAAACK

So by some freak chance I actually got on the plane on Saturday. I wasn't even going to go! We had all just gone to see The Blindside--which just hit SA--and i had thrown all my stuff in the back just in case we decided to swing by the airport. It was pretty much the worst packing job in history since it was the 3rd time that week. I hadn't taken a shower, applied make-up, or picked out my clothes especially for the plane....so of course i got on (all greasy and everything--so lovely!). When we arrived at the airport--maybe 30 mins before the gate closes--I meandered up to the check-in desk to check out the situation. The first thing that caught my eye was the lack of about 30 people milling about hoping to get on the plane. I thought maybe they had already told them to go home. I did see a girl I had seen 5 days previous trying to get on though. So she and I, her name was Kate, stand at the check-in desk and chat up the lady. It's all very casual, I don't really expect to get on, we laugh and joke, and then she says, "I decided a while back to let you guys on." My heart starts beating erradically, SERIOUSLY??? She's joking right? Kate and I both ask the same thing. I hadn't even packed my carry-on with care! I mean--whatever i couldn't get in my bag I just stuffed in! The lady at the gate--how I do adore her--hands us our tickets and says, "Go straight to the gate!" My hands are now shaking--my head is not processing this yet. I rapidly hand Hannah (my roommate in SA at DOH) my keys to the room and SA cell phone. "Ummm--goodbye then!" I say. I hug her and try to get all my stuff together. This is our 3rd trip to the airport together--it feels like a ritual we're breaking now--kinda sad actually!--no late night McDonalds together as I text to Beth, "didn't get on--see ya tomorrow!" I finally get all my stuff together and Kate and I run off gleefully into the hordes of security to make our plane. I jump into the fast-track, high class line (there's like MILLION people in the other and we won't make it if we wait behind them). They glare at me, but I don't care, cause I'M GOING HOME!!! I convince the dude in that line telling me to go back that I cannot go to the other line--my plane is LEAVING. He concedes, though I think he just does it cause it doesn't look like he has a choice, or maybe he just doesn't care anymore (it is 9 pm at night). Kate and I make it through SA Customs, Security, and more security, and finally get to the plane. She looks at our tickets--Are these first class???--she says. I say I don't like to think about it until we're there. They were first class--we were even sitting right beside each other! Her first trip in first class--she was SO PUMPED--me too obviously--and it was fun to show her what all the buttons did, get Mimosas together, and then check out the menu--yeah--on a plane, lol.

So now I'm home and awake in the wee hours of the morning. I awoke at 4:30 this morning, though I wrestled to stay in bed asleep, I finally gave up about 5:30. I walked around our apartment and wondered things like--why don't we have a small lamp i the living room? has our microwave always been black? do we have any coffee? Gotta say, it's an odd sensation to be home. Lying in bed listening to Dave's breathing was so comforting. Too bad he has to leave for 8 days this morning, but at least we're on the same continent, even the same country and state! :) As I write this i'm in my new pj's I got from my mom for Christmas. I forgot we left just after Christmas, it seems like ages ago! My dogs are cuddled up beside of me, sleeping on the couch....My babies would just be getting up from their naps now--Mr Whiney Pants is crying cause that's what he does, my Biggest Boy is smiling and getting into everything, Big D is always ready to eat....I wish I had cuddled them all just five minutes more, but it wouldn't have been enough.

not gone yet---here's the deal

When you’re flying standby, and the people behind the desk tell everyone (all standbys) to gather round, it’s not a good thing. Last night, after getting all ready to go home, we were told no non-revs (or standbys—people who don’t make them any money), were being allowed on the plane. After that, getting re-ticketed to try again tonight, we were told the seats were SOLD OUT for the rest of the month. I’m not sure how large a percentage the flights are allowed to be overbooked by, but whatever that is, those “seats” are sold too. It’s never good when you look up a flight known to exist and it doesn’t show up. Some people there had already been waiting 2 to 3 days and hadn’t gotten on yet because…. Delta is flying cargo—not people. That means, when there’s cargo weight that can be put on (people who bring too much and then have to pay dearly for it), they put the cargo on instead of the non-revs for the simple fact that it makes them money and we don’t. All understandable really, it’s what we signed up for—a cheap flight with no guarantees—but if they are going to do that for a week or more, they really should let people know!

So, I am number 20 on a list of 27 standby passengers to fly out tonight—with supposedly 40 seats available. However, that doesn’t include the cargo, so I guess we’ll so how it goes ☺. Right now the plan is as follows. First, try to get out tonight, God willing. Second, stay until the first week in April (around the 3rd or 4th), then fly out then when it looks better. Choosing this option would also allow me to see more of Africa, as I will have to vacate the country for a few days because I can’t stay longer than 90 days in one stretch. I will probably head to Swaziland for the weekend.

Last night I slept restlessly—as soon as I got back from the airport I immediately started looking up the prices for tickets to Raleigh, Atlanta, Charlotte, or Knoxville. The lowest I could find was around $1,000. I was so distressed! The lady next to me in line to change her flights said, “Honey you won’t get out this month like this. I tried for four days one time—if it’s sold out it’s not happening…Go to Paris—they have 10 flights out a day!” I looked at Paris by the way—it’s true—but it’s still not cheap. This morning the light looked better, though I still felt daunted by the task at hand and a little lost without Dave’s guidance and comfort. I looked for flights again this morning—nothing new (though if I wanna spend another $1,000 I can go home via Amsterdam and spend 21 hrs there—cool idea—not so cool price).

I wandered out of the room I am now sharing with my new friend Hannah, and Beth told me to get in the van, we were taking the kids to swim lessons. Normally I’m not allowed to be with the toddlers, new people make their lives more chaotic than necessary, but today she could see I was down and told me to “come on.” Watching them laugh and play in the water, splashing and kicking, it lifted my spirits. I came home and dug into the Word, needing some wisdom and comfort from my Savior. I finished reading Matthew (the crucificition of Christ, even though he was resurrected, didn’t lift my spirits well). Then I prayed that God would give me a passage that would comfort and guide me. I looked at the index and was drawn to Hebrews chapter 13. As soon as I started reading those words, tears fell from my eyes. Verses like, “BY NO MEANS SHALL I DESERT YOU, NOR IN ANY WAY SHALL I ABANDON YOU…THE LORD IS A HELPER TO ME, AND I WILL NOT FEAR…JESUS CHRIST IS THE SAME YESTERDAY AND TODAY AND INTO THE AGES” Came pouring from the pages. Oh how GOOD my God is! I praised Him for listening to my poor murmurings and flutterings of my heart and comforting my soul. As the Aunties constantly repeat, “God is good AL THE TIME…” and His mercies are new every morning.

So, no matter what happens tonight—if I go or stay here until April, I know my God is with me and He will comfort me. Maybe my work here is not done (though I didn’t appreciated it yesterday Catherine—I do today ☺ ). Thank you all SO dearly for your prayers—please DON’T STOP praying—especially for Door of Hope ministries. I don’t know what I would do without my family’s prayers. Also, a huge “thank you” goes out to my mom—as she took my biggest worry off my plate concerning what to do with out dogs. Mom, you are so gracious. I love you. PS—this doesn’t mean you have to keep the dogs till Easter ☺ Dave will call you and work it out.

A few of my fav. S. African things

 

Things I will miss when I return to the U.S. of A. (per request by Carey)

1, The sound of my babies' cries in the morning--I know that's an odd thing to miss--but I can tell each baby by their cry
2. Each and every one of my twelve babies--and those that have already been adopted
3. Big moments--ie first steps, smiles, solid foods, etc
4. Their laughter
5. My boy that I became especially fond of--Mr Whiney Pants--Beth pointed out I tend to attach to the whiney ones (I love an especially ornery baby last time as well)
6. Beth--my best friend
7. the sight of Dave holding a baby
8. the unique art work here
9. the warmth and sunshine of a S. African summer
10. the Aunties/Uncles I have come to love so dearly

A few of my favorite things

 

things in my dreams recently:

Foods I am looking forward to on my return—hint hint MOM—it was would be SO amazing if you had numbers 1-7 in the house for me even though you’re leaving for camping the next day ☺ (cause you’re just awesome like that!) :
1. Fruity Pebbles with regular tasting milk
2. grill cheese & tomato soup
3. chips
4. Dr Pepper
5. pancakes & syrup
6. eggs
7. cheese grits
8. BBQ from Log Cabin—and hush puppies too—OH—and a cherry lemon sundrop! OMGness!
9. Nutty Buddy bars
10. sushi!!!!!!!

Things Leigh should remember when she gets back in the U.S. of A.

1. if you pick a baby up by the arm (even if done correctly by grabbing them at the socket of their shoulder, which won’t pull the shoulder out or hurt them), people will think you are a bad person and you are hurting the child—don’t do it.
2. you are not allowed call down other people’s children in the supermarket—even though you had 12 that were not quite yours for 2 ½ months.
3. in turn you are not allowed to “smack them like a ho,” them being the mothers that are allowing their children to do whatever they want in the supermarket, even though it would probably help them greatly.
4. you should add those silly little words back into your sentences that make it easier to converse. They are often called determiners (a, an, and the), and common nouns. Though Aunties/Uncles understand you better without them, you are now going back to a mostly English speaking society.
5. just because they do it that way at Door of Hope baby house, doesn’t mean it’s the only way—and you don’t have kids of your own yet—so people don’t really respect your opinion on baby raising anyway—just nod and smile, nod and smile
6. do not eat pasta for a very long time as it has made up most of your diet while here. Convince people you need comfort food and they should cook it for you (pssst—I want oatmeal cookies, Chinese food, lots of veggies (not frozen), and pancakes, and waffles, obviously not in the same meal)
7. you love S. African coffee with chicory in it—make sure Beth brings some with her on her trip home, or seek out some in the States, though you shouldn’t hold your breath about it having the same level of amazingness.
8. Dave likes brown babies—figure out how you can get one ☺
9. Remember it’s possible to work long, 11 hr days, and still want to see the people the next week—especially if you can convince them to speak in cute gibberish, not drool or get sick on you, and never have to change their nappies
10. If God can do amazing things like get rid of HIV in small babies, he can change your life in dramatic, awe-inspiring ways, and even know the exact job that would bring you the desires of your heart—be patient—it may take longer than 3 months.

An Appeal to your beautiful souls:

I only have two more weeks here at Door of Hope (orphanage for abandoned babies), Dave leaves today, and what an adventure we have been able to experience. But as the two weeks comes to a close, so may one of the baby houses here. There are two baby houses (and also a toddler house), the one where I am, and baby house two. Baby house two is the most recent, and dearly needed, addition to Door of Hope. Since I have been here, even with this new additional house, we have turned away almost a dozen babies because we are full and cannot handle more with the resources we currently have. Door of Hope (DOH) has less than two months of running costs left in their accounts. As the economy here has turned to the excitement of the 2010 World Cup, so people’s minds and pockets have turned away from the financial state of DOH and houses like ours. Cutbacks have been announced to the local staff here—and positions that are quite needed, may cease to be. The Aunties and Uncles here have hit their knees in prayer for the cause of these little ones, we ask that you do the same. My prayer is that God will miraculously bless DOH in a way that gives all the glory to Him. Please pray this along with me. If you would like to donate to Door of Hope, please go to their website, holeinthewall.org.za, or contact me or Beth Maennle, and we will be glad to put you in touch with the right people. Thank you for you time and your diligent prayers. God Bless you.

Swim time!

The big 5---4 boys and a girl--they get everywhere and into all sorts of trouble, but they sure love the water!

 

ilias--(pronounced Elias)

My boy--he had to go to another home because we are full--but when they came to pick him up they were so in love with him. I know he will be well taken care of there--but i still miss that little old man face, even if i only got to hold him for such a short time.

 

hospital run

i took my first hospital run the other day. A boy in our special needs area stopped breathing, and Beth and I had to rush him to the hospital. this was my journal entry I wrote throughout the day as I sat by him in the ER:

My hand are shaking--having a hard time telling the difference between his heart beat and breaths--i need to focus--i ride in the back seat with a semi-conscious baby in my arms--i shake him often--violently--his breaths are shallow and far between--hazards flashing--car flying--getting nauseous is not an option. He stops breathing --i flip him over and beat him hard on his back--a small gasp--back over and shake him often when his eyes start to glass over. "Come on buddy--stay with me" We fly into the Er and Beth jumps out--he's not breathing again--she grabs him and runs into the hospital...

A few hours later I sit alone--same emergency room--he's breathing with oxygen now--the cries often slacken to a dull lambs bleat--he's hungry & isn't allowed to eat--being pricked with needles once again, he wails. "Just get it in this time" I want to yell! The drip line has come out & they've tried to put it back two different spots in his head and another in his tiny arm. I've only seen a couple official doctors since we arrived-mostly interns for the last while--once- while pricking him again for more tests--precious red drops spilled while they fumbled with the vials--laughing that they were glad their superiors weren't there at that moment--no gloves on--he screams on. A new shift surrounds him--STILL trying to get his drip line in--two different people have tried so far--supposedly the professionals--i want to cry with him--the nurses are abusing the last shift in mixed languages--they try again--he cries so hard he goes silent--it doesn't take...the boy is gonna look like a pincushion soon--almost 7 months and just a small thing--tears stream down my soul as his bleating rises with each pierce. "If you're squeamish you can wait outside," they say. I'm not leaving him. "I'm fine." After at least half a dozen tries...at last. Night shift comes and i'm relieved of my duty. Possible surgery for him the next day and probably more needles. I leave exhausted--I don't know how people do this day after day.