Eucharisteo

I'm reading a book right now, mentioned in my previous post, called "One Thousand Gifts."  It's very good, and today I read about eucharisteo, or thanksgiving.  How we cannot truly be saved without thanksgiving in our hearts to God, in everything.  Humans were kicked out of the garden of Eden for not being thankful for what God had given them, for looking for more.  So to remedy that, we must be thankful in everything, and this can be traced through Jesus' life on earth as well.  We see that in the most extreme circumstances, he gives thanks to his father.  The chapter I read in the book today talked about how true joy, and living in this life with a purpose, comes from our willingness to give thanks to God for all things.  I was sitting here thinking, "how do I give thanks to God for a miscarriage, for disease, for death"; just saying "thank you God for my miscarriage" was very weird, and I asked God if I was doing it right.  I want to thank him in all things, because I know that he is a God of grace, love, joy, and thanksgiving, and he gives us power to partake in those things, but physically, verbally, emotionally, HOW do we do that.  I don't have an answer really, except to say, if I ask him how, I know he will show me, so I will just keep doing it until he has perfected it in me.  So today I say eucharisteo--thankgiving, chara--joy, charis--grace, and wonder if those should be my next tattoos, to constantly remind me that they are God's keys, his gifts, his way of salvation and way living it out and accepting it in our daily lives.

If Grace is an ocean we're all sinking...

Yesterday hit me about Saturday afternoon.  "Mother's Day is tomorrow," I thought...I want to hide.  At the first "happy mother's day," I wanted to turn and run.  Instead of dredge up a smile and say, "thank you," I wanted to say, "It should have been."  But having a big baby bump is not the way to be inconspicuous on Mother's Day--you get lots of "awww's" and "when are you due"s.  Last Mother's Day I announced we were going to have a baby to my Mom & Dad; I was so excited to tell them on this day.  I sent Mom a card that said something like, "Happy Grandmother's Day," and then penciled in "again."  She didn't get it at first--but then, I was told, she burst in to tears and gave me a call.  People always ask if this is my first, and I say 'yes,' but I want to say "No, we lost Grace."  But thankfully she was never lost, and I was never alone, and God gave me Grace, and more grace, to say, "You are enough God."  

I picked up a book a friend lent me, probably 8 months ago, off my book shelf today.  I don't even remember who's book it is, but I just needed a book to read along with my quiet time, and this one caught my eye.  It's called, "One Thousand Gifts," and it's about accepting grace after hurt, death, and hardship.  Amazing that I would pick it up today--one of the Spirit's blessings that he prompts our hearts with what we need at just the right moment.  

I am blessed and constantly awed to have this new little baby growing inside me, to feel it kick and move my whole belly, to watch my swollen stomach like the ocean, moving to and fro.  But I do not forget Grace, and all that God taught us, and brought us through.

We hadn't picked out the name Grace--or really any names at that point.  Honestly telling everyone I was pregnant that early would have been frowned upon by the doctor, a careless move to give out hope so early.  We lost her only 9 weeks in, and we told everyone right away.  We were so full of hope and giddiness, that we didn't want to wait--didn't see the need.  But I'm glad, in a sense, that we shared our news, because we were able to share our heartache too, and that allowed God to work His love more deeply into our lives because we couldn't hide what was ailing us, and our family and friends, new and old, surrounded us.  

I was sitting at Fire Circle one night during camp, I'm not sure what week it was, when this praise and worship song, "How He Loves Us," was played:

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful you are
And how great your afflictions for me

CHORUS: 

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

CHORUS

I thought about you
The day Stephen died
And you met me between my breaking
I know that I still love you God
Despite the agony
See people they want to tell me your cruel
But if Stephen could sing
He'd say its not true
Cause your good

After that song, I couldn't get the word "grace" out of my head.  I went home and talked to Dave about it, how I felt maybe we should call our little one Grace, and he agreed.  Because she was such grace to us, and God showed his grace through her, and through a million other ways in our lives.  And though it is still painful to think she would have been almost six months old today,  I know God's hands were on me, and her, and Dave, and though I don't know the why,  I don't need to.  For the first time in my life maybe, I don't need to know why.  I just need to know God.  "Because these afflictions are eclipsed by glory....and I'm drawn to redemption by the love in His eyes; if grace is an ocean we're all sinking...I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves me."