beginnings

I'm sitting in Dave's office getting internet this morning (well, it's morning here for 3 more minutes--which means it will probably be afternoon by the time I finish), as I don't have internet, or for that matter, cell phone coverage, at the house. The house is pretty much unpacked, except for the spare room/office/whatever that becomes. The paint colors aren't my favorite, but they are manageable for now, and after summer camp ends and things settle down here, then maybe we will get to pick out some nicer colors.

We've decided to theme our house a sort of bohemia feel, I guess that means eclectic? Patterns everywhere basically. At first, we had two couches with different patterns, one we bought and a super comfy one that just showed up, and I didn't like it. But then, just for fun, we threw down our rug of a different pattern, and some throw pillows ALSO with different patters, and I kinda fell in love with it! Dave loves it of course :). He said this is exactly how he always wanted his house to look. I'm sure Grandmama would say it looks more like "early basement, late attic" in style, lol, but it's us. Now if we can just get the boxes taken away, the pictures hung, and the house cleaned, we will be good.

I think my chances of finding full time teaching this year are slim to none, and i have to say i am more than o.k. with that. I am pursuing being a regular substitute this year at the local schools, and then trying to get in more full time next year. I do need SOMETHING to keep me focused, and I want to learn more about the community center up the road, and see if they have a volunteer tutoring program. There's also this camp, called The Painted Turtle, that I am interested in as well. It's funny because after high school I was very interested in working at the camp Kyle Petter helped with, Victory Junction, that works with kids that have disabilities and special needs. The Painted Turtle is literally 3 minutes away, and is one of the string of camps associated Victory Junction spread across the U.S. So, there are lots of things to explore this fall. I do feel a bit guilty for not pursuing a full time teaching position more heartily, ok at all, but I don't know why. I guess I just feel I should be monitarily inputing into our family more, since I won't be having a baby this school year.

Well, lunch is soon, and I should walk the dogs back to the house. Two camp kids just scootered by the window towards the dining hall, so I guess I should head that way too. I have a coffee date with a friend this afternoon during her boys' nap time that I am very excited about. Now I just need to unload a few boxes before then!

a reappearance

I didn't want to talk to anyone--but I clung to Bethany and Shannon. That's how I felt that day--I wanted to shut everything down and disappear. And I did to some extent--I didn't tell anyone except for immediate family--and Bethany and Shannon were the ones that called them all--I couldn't do it--I couldn't hear the sadness in their voices or hear their tears. I needed to shut down to preserve what was left of the joy in my life at that moment. And that's how I went on with the roadtrip. I needed to make new memories of that week, to fall in a different kind of love with my sisters, and have a time we can always look back on, a time that was not completely overshadowed by grief.

I texted and FB-ed about our loss last week, and didn't reply to many texts or calls from anyone--but the words from you all meant the world to us. I'm slowly opening back up, and am able to talk about it a bit, though still not without tears quite often, so if you call and I start to cry, and you are a bit scared (considering I really hate to cry in front of people, whether on the phone or not), know I can't help it anymore, they just seem to pour out of me at random moments.

Our stuff arrived Friday, and seeing the baby things was really difficult. I didn't think I would want to go through the boxes, but I did--I wanted to see it all and remember how excited we were. And something else happened too; the love from all the people those things came from poured out on us. Seeing the shoes, the cute onesies, the New Daddy Survival Kit, it made us cry yes, but it also made us feel loved. We know we will have a child one day, hopefully at least one I am able to carry myself, and that stuff gives us hope.

I am s l o w l y settling into camp life here, after having spent much of the time last week in doctor's offices and the like, but I do feel a bit restless to try and find my place here. I need a purpose--maybe a job--something, so please pray that I find that, whatever it is, soon. Also pray for my friendships here to blossom. There are some amazingly loving people here at camp--pray that I am adventurous in my pursuit of them. You laugh, because you see me as an extremely outgoing and loud person I am sure, but when it comes to new arena's, I am often shy (I KNOW! A word not EVER associated with me). I will be on here more now hopefully. And I am ready for calls and letters and such if you would like to chat. I always love mail too <3.