My Daddy could fix anything with a bit of super glue or Duck Tape. I accidentally knocked over one of my precious little statues from South Africa, the mother and child one, and it broke into pieces--my husband fixed it with super glue. Super glue fixes a lot of stuff that we care about, but it can't fix everything.
When I try and just "hold it all together," but fall apart, bursting at the seems, and cracking in all most intimate details--super glue won't fix it. When I tell myself to "just buck up," "be stronger," "be more independent," "be better"--super glue can't hold me in. When I look all around for solutions to problems so much bigger than me--super glue isn't that answer.
And I think Jesus just smiles fondly at us, all a mess in our little brokenness, a puddle of tears and snot and ugly crying, and says, "Yes." "You finally get it. Your brokenness is the whole point. I make everything beautiful. Not you trying harder, being better, running just a little bit longer on those worn out legs--I. Am. It." How many times do we have to reach rock bottom before we remember Who is our Rock? How many times are we disappointed with loved ones for not being enough, and even MORE for ourselves, that we aren't enough?!? We think, "Well what am I meant to do? Just sit here in my puddle and say, 'I can't do it anymore! I give up! I quit life! I suck at this and I'm not trying ANY MORE." Cause that is where I am on certain days where I just can't hack the hard of this anymore--I want to desert this army.
But I think, maybe I do need to just give up. We need to give up on thinking we can do it, any of it. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Which in turn means, I can do nothing without Christ who strengthens me.
I think about Gideon a lot. I just finished reading the story of Gideon. He didn't think much of himself; he wasn't in a good place when God called on him. But God prepared him, and guided him, and constantly reassured him. And so he did what God told him to do. And then he messed up some more. And isn't that us? We look backwards and see some shining moments when we bowed down low, and God was raised up high, and they were momentous times. And other times we see the constant tragedy of our useless striving--paddling desperately for shore when we are stuck in a riptide.
Well I'm done. I'm not striving. Hell I'm not even dragging anymore. If you see me, feel free to give me a hug, but be warned I might sob on your shoulder cause my emotions are all leaking out everywhere. God has called me to great things, and I tried to live up to them...and failed miserably. So I'm pretty banged up right now--but I'm done striving. God IS MY STRENGTH--and He is it ALL.
"Lord you know this vessel is a million itty bitty pieces--but you sure do like a mosaic. I'm ready Lord. I'm ready for you to do and BE it all. Please remind me daily you are my everything. I'm done trying to take your place with my own power--it is useless. Lord use me greatly for your honour. Your power is the only power. Your love is everlasting. Your grace and mercy are all sufficient. Thank you for drawing me into your kingdom. Make me ready to fight."
