10 Years On

On April 8, Dave and I will have been married for 10 years. 10 years of marriage.  It seems like a huge milestone in today's society, where marriages last hours not decades.  And yet, I can't say I am all that much wiser.  I would probably say I have as much wisdom as a 10 year old child about marriage--she has a gist of it, but the finesse of doing it well is still on the way.  So from my 10-year old point of view, here are 10 things I've learned about marriage in the last 10 years.

1) Adventures are a must.  They don't have to be skydiving (although that is definitely on my bucket-list), but a cliff jump here and there, or a mountain bike adventure, or maybe just a daring dinner entree bring you closer together.  Memories of the times when you tried something together cement your "togetherness," especially if it didn't go exactly as planned (food poisoning anyone?). Before we were married, we went on a short road trip through part of southern Ireland.  For our anniversary we are doing it again, five days just the two of us!  New memories and adventures to come!

2) His/her family is your family--learn to love them.  Just the other day I said, "We could holiday with everyone this year! Your sister and her family, and your parents, all the kids together...I would be with your family, how could I NOT have fun?"  And you know what, I meant every word!  I love his family, because they love him, and they made him who he is.  They built him up long before I knew him, encouraged him to take chances, travel, and that's how he met me.  But even more than that--they are kind and generous, and fun, and they love me and our daughter.  Yes we still argue sometimes, like all families do, but that just means we care enough to not always nod and agree.

3) Compromise will make you happier.  I liked to do the dishes as the last bite of dinner was scraped off the plate--jumping up and clearing everything away.  He liked to sit and chat, enjoy the meal and each other, after a day apart.  So now I sit, take it all in, and maybe do the dishes while he bathes the toddler, or more likely the next morning after my coffee :).  And he would rather get up on Saturday mornings and do something right away, but mornings and I aren't really buddies.  He lets me sleep, and we do something later, or he gets up and goes with the toddler on his own, then comes back and makes us all a big brunch!

4) How you spend your money should be a joint discussion.  We decided, probably before we got married, what was important to us when it comes to money.  We wanted to spend our money relationally--coffees with friends, flying to visit family, supporting others as they pursue lives of purpose.   That was our decision.  So when we want to spend money on us stuff, it's not a huge deal, because it's an exception.  We support each other's idea of what is a "good" way to spend money, and therefore we have no reason to hide how it is spent.

5) Your personal growth doesn't mirror their personal growth.  When you learn and change, it's often easy to think your partner needs to change in the same ways.  In my house, this goes a bit like this, "Hey I read this great article on parenting techniques today! I think you should check it out; you could learn a lot."  Which sounds like this, "You suck at parenting, and need all the help you can get."  Fascinatingly he doesn't respond well to that.  Instead, when I read something that challenges me, I should and can share it without any expectation that he takes that on himself.  We learn and grow in different ways, at different times, in different circumstances, using different mediums.  Encouragement in times of learning, and excitement when your partner shares with you makes for a happier time of sharing.

6) Expectations = letdowns.  Before you commit to someone, you have all these hopes and dreams, things that often they share with you in giddy excitement.  Often, after commitment cements, those hopes turn into expectations, shifting from dreams to weights.  Hoping someone will give you a good gift turns into disappointment that it didn't measure up.  Remembering that your partner loves you, and wants to give you good things, to please, is better than expecting them to make your life joyful.  Being joyful is your own choice, no matter the circumstance.  Don't put the burden of your happiness on your partner.  Share and serve each other, enjoy doing life together instead expecting them to give you the life you want.

7) Say "yes" more than "no."  He is more adventurous than I am.  My ideal adventure is reading a great book on an exotic beach somewhere.  His is taking a rainy walk on a Saturday morning.  But you know what, some of my favourite memories come from saying "yes" to things when I was thinking, "but I would rather just stay in my pjs on the couch."  This goes for other things too, and generally it turns out to my advantage to say "yes."

8) Be on their side.  We aren't the only ones that just want to be listened to sometimes, empathised with, and understood.  Does this mean we always have to agree with them?  No.  But in the moment, when they are hurt, irritated, or angry because of someone else, it's better to listen than point out errors they may have made, or play devil's advocate.  Later, if they need advice on a matter that is about their job, etc, then they will ask for it, or your opinion.  But just because you have an opinion, doesn't mean you always have to share it.

9) Remember how awesome you think they are.  You remember when you were first starting your relationship, and you told your friends about them?  What did you say?  Awesome climber, great listener, adventurous, funny, easily made fun of themselves, made others feel at ease, a good teacher, a caring leader.  Don't forget to tell them how proud of them you are, because they forget that they are still getting better, bolder, courageously pushing what "older" can do.  Be their biggest fan, not just when it's the two of you.

10) Grace, grace, grace, and forgiveness.  If I had to list every time I failed to do what I really want to do, I wouldn't have time for much else.  If we really believe that failure often makes us stronger, pushes us to try harder, toughens us for the truly awful that life often throws at us, then we have to believe that with our partners too.  Showing grace and forgiveness to our partners strengthens us as couples to succeed together, not fail alone.  It's not easy, still 10 years down the road I always want to be right, but saying, "It's ok...let's try that again...can we start that conversation over...I forgive you...I'm sorry," will always be better than, "I told you so...why do you do that...just forget it...I'm fine."

So thank you darling, for helping me along this journey so far.  I'm so glad we've experienced this together.  I look forward to the next 10 years of adventures....and beyond <3 br="">

An Open Letter to J.K. Rowling

Dear Mrs. Rowling,
   I hesitate to even start, as I'm not sure I've addressed you correctly.  Did you take your husband's last name?  Apologies if I have gotten it wrong.  I feel a bit silly writing you, as I know you are ever busy, and haven't time for even a small fraction of your fan's letters, but I cannot sleep for writing you this letter in my head; forgive me, I feel this is mostly for my own benefit of a peaceful night's rest.
   My father-n-law told me I should write you a letter, because I live just down the road from your house near Aberfeldy, and often daydream of running into you in a shop or pub, or perhaps The Birks Cinema.  I don't often take his advice about these kinds of things, so know this is quite out of character. Once, I thought I glimpsed you in the corner of a pub in the centre of town, The Fountain, and my husband thought I was going to choke just from your association!  I am always tempted to pick up extra copies of your Harry Potter books when I see them in the town thrift shop, just in case I need one handy if I see you.
   Let me digress for moment, since the chances of you seeing this are slim, and I like to write/chatter.  I own all the novels you have written, and have loved them dearly (ok, maybe not "Casual Vacancy," but all the rest).  I have read the Harry Potter books through each year for the last several, gleaning something new and insightful from each new read.  They are stories that inspire me, draw me in, and encourage through life's ups and downs.  The Harry Potter series is quite dear to me, because it has inspired a generation of imaginative readers.  You told them to be kind to the people who others aren't kind, to be true to their friends, to believe in each other, to be sacrificial in their love, to forgive (even Malfoy), to understand that people make mistakes.  Thank you.  For writing a story so raw and real in such a fantastical, creative way that we are still aching to be swallowed up by its pages.
   Reading through another of your series now, the Robert Galbraith novels (did you think of that name form the realty company around here, it's name is Galbraith, I always wonder), I am in awe of your writing abilities once again.  How you can first write so well for children growing up, and then still write something quite adult, a visceral crime scene.  I think my favourite thing about all your characters is that there are generally no "evil people"--main characters who we are just told to hate for no reason.  I love following your characters through their story as they make decisions that continue to make them into who they will become, and who they have already chosen to be.
  In closing, I just want to tell you again how big of a fan I am.  I am turning thirty-two in a couple of months, and having a themed party; can you guess the theme?  I'm sure it will seem silly to others, but I am extremely excited.  Dressing up as Professor Trelawney.  This probably won't be the last time I dress as one of your characters, and it's not the first.  So keep up the good work.  I hope you are enjoying it, I know I am.

Sincerely, Your Ever Adoring Fan,
Leigh Nelson

P.S. You are obviously invited to the party, June 27th, in Ardeonaig.  RSVP if you would so I don't have a heart attack.

Glass Houses

The saying "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" has, for some reason, caught my attention today.  The saying possibly originated from Geoffrey Chaucer (I say possibly because the "most accurate looking" website I could find on short notice was a wiki site, so that's a loose "maybe" when looking for facts and accuracy).  When this saying came to mind, I was thinking of my old pastor and his wife (and by old I mean, previous, because you guys are so young, hip, and trendy Jeff & Jodi!).  I was talking to a mutual dear friend yesterday about the two of them (all good things), and how we both love the way in which they pursue ministry with a life of humane transparency.  Humane in the way they continue to have faults, but loving in that they openly share them, confess them, ask for forgiveness for them.  Loving in the way they show grace and mercy to those who wrong them.  Down and dirty in the ministry of life.

So when the idiom "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" popped into my head, I thought, "Actually, shouldn't they be the exact ones that should?!"  The transparency that Jeff and Jodi exhibit reminds me a living in a glass house.  They surround themselves with people, invite them to see into the nooks and crannies of their parenting, daily exercise regime, and even glimpse into their marriage.  They stand up and say, "We are not even close to perfect, but we love God, and we are seeking Him in our every day life, please join us."

As a Christian, I think this is a true portrayal of the way we should live--humble transparency--glass house.  If we confess our sins (to God), open our lives up for others, and show that we have faults, that we are vulnerable, then we make it easier for others to hear us when we point out problems they may need support with conquering themselves.  Kind of like AA--addicts share their addictions, and eventually they are allowed to mentor other addicts, share their story, and help them on their journey of redemption.  

Some say the idiom refers to how people with vulnerabilities should not start fights, or how people with faults shouldn't point out the faults of others--a statement of hypocrisy.  And while the Bible backs up the statement that those who refuse to look at their own faults shouldn't then point fingers (Matthew 7:3-5), it does not say those who have struggled, stumbled, begged for forgiveness, and gotten back up, should not then help others to do the same.  In this way, we are throwing stones.  I guess it's another way that God is helping me see that life with him is upside down--my weaknesses are His strengths, showing others His love through what he can do through me.  We are one body, here to help all the parts to succeed for His glory.

Cuddles Lost

Dave's parents left this morning after a wonderful week of visiting.  It has snowed here on and off, and would have been terribly lonesome being stuck here without them.  We got to go on snowy walks, build snowmen, and Fi even got to sled with Nana.   As for me, I enjoyed playing cards and Bananagrams, and sharing tea and cake with Mervyn and Sylvia.  Plus, I got to go into town yesterday and meet a friend for lunch, get my hair cut, and wander through the thrift shop ALL BY MYSELF!  It was wonderful.  Not to mention sleeping in most mornings this week--in-laws are wonderful things, and generous people.  But there was something I missed out on; my Fiona cuddles.  When Nana and Pops are here, they get a lot of cuddles, snuggles, kisses, and attention.  And rightly so, they are special people and fantastic grandparents...but Mommy misses out.  Most mornings I would come in to Fiona sitting on the couch with Nana, reading books, and ask for a cuddle.  "No Mommy, Nana gets the cuddles."  Alas, I'm last on the list when Grands are around--oh well, it doesn't happen often enough, so that's alright.  But this afternoon, after they had left to catch the ferry back to Belfast, Fiona once again climbed back into my lap and threw her arms around my neck.  ~sigh~ I missed those arms, that smell, that soft love that only a little one can give.  I soaked it in.  I know I don't have too many more years of this left--but I'll treasure it while it lasts, then embarrass her anyway when she's "too old." ;)

Darkening Thoughts

I'm reading Lisette's List about a Parisian woman in a Provençal town during the Second World War.  Not to ruin the story, but her husband dies pretty early on.  I read mostly in the evenings/nights.  It's terribly sad, yet inspiring, but also makes me think dark thoughts.  What would happen to Fiona and I if Dave died?  How would I tell her she will never see Daddy again?  How would I not fall apart, oblivious to life outside of grief, for her sake?  What would we do?  Where would we go?  Would we stay in the U.K. or go back to the States?  Would we go back to the NC mountains, or near family in the piedmont?   How would I just put her in childcare and go back to work after her world has fallen apart?  How would I teach/work after my world has fallen apart?.....and the litany of questions goes on.  Most of the time, I can keep myself from these "what if" questions.  Is it ever a good thing to dwell on something that may not come to pass (for possibly quite a few decades)?  And then there's the good fear of "we REALLY need to make a Will."  Yes, we really quite should...must..eek can I just print one out right now?!?  Well those are my thoughts for today...just in case you were wondering.  ps--check out the book; it's good stuff, even the sad stuff.