What made me who I am today

You've often heard the saying, "That's what made me who I am today, so I wouldn't change a thing."  Usually that is in reference to our own hardships due to poor decisions we have made, or things that have happened because we live in a sinful, cruel world.  I used to agree wholeheartedly with that statement--that my past made me who I am today, so I wouldn't change it...but then I started thinking a little more critically, looking around a bit more closely.  I realized my past wasn't what made me who I am, but how I received it.  Let me explain.

When something in life happens to us, or because of us, we have only a limited amount of options: A) We can accept what has happened, and look for the growing in it/the good or B) we can blame someone--whether it is actually someone else's fault or not, and often become bitter and angry.  If we choose A, we may become a different person, "better," stronger.  If we choose B, we generally get stuck, thinking of the past, what has happened to us, and how we could have avoided it, or how wrong someone else is.  My question in relation to the oft heard statement is this: How do we choose which option to take?  If we look at it objectively, we may take option A, but if we look at it from inside our own shoes, we will most likely choose B.  So what makes us choose A?

I have come to realize, in my life, the only reason I have ever chosen A, is God.  The only reason I can look back at my life and see any difference in the girl from 2002 is that God has shown me amazing grace.  Shuddering to think where I would be without his grace, and the ability to receive it, I realize that I was putting myself first when I thought that my past decisions/events are what made me who I am today.  No.  It was only by the grace of God that I chose growth when all was not well, that I am who I am today.  It was only ONLY by the grace of God that I stepped out of my shame to allow Christ to show me I was worth something more, instead of successfully ending any chance at a life to come.  Only by the grace of God, that I grew closer to my God and my husband during my miscarriage, and can look back knowing He transformed that terrible pain into something beautiful.  Only by the grace of God, the incredible gift of mercy--the cross--that I am able to boast in Him who sits on the throne, that I can see one spec of His glory shining through my life.

Nothing I have done, or ever will do, could make me who I would ever want to be.  It is only by God's love that I change for the better--that he grows me into this woman who can cry easily, laugh lightly and not maliciously, attempt controlling my anger, serve others, be a mom/wife/sister/daughter/granddaughter of any merit.  The person who I am, that's all God's doing--and thank God for that!  I definitely would have chosen bitterness and anger--hands down.

Lifting the fog

I'm sitting with my feet propped up, in a cushy chair, in front of a crackling fire.  Fiona is supposed to be sleeping, but she's not (I can hear her in her bed, alternately playing & whining).  As I look out the window to my right, two hills rise, crisscrossed with low stone walls to mark territories and keep the sheep from wandering.  The hill on the left is dusted with snow, mostly covered in a low fog.

In the other room the washing machine is taking off (or at least that's what it sounds like).  This is only the second load of laundry I've done in it, and I don't think I have it quite right.  I don't have a dryer--which is normal over here as most people just don't think the cost of the electricity is worth it.  So, once the laundry is done washing, I will put in on a drying rack in the hot water closet--allowing the heat from the water heater to slowly dry the clothes.  Of course, since we are trying to save electricity, the water heater is only warm if the fire is warming it, so I have to remember to keep the fire going if I want the clothes to dry.  The water heater heats very quickly though, and I have to remember that the water gets V E R Y hot when warmed by the fire--scalding actually...I've burnt myself a couple of times already.

I can order groceries online and have them delivered here, for 5 pounds--which is about $7--which is awesome considering the closest grocery is at least 20 mins away, and that one wouldn't have everything I ordered online, or at that price. I put in a big order last night, and arranged for it to be delivered on Tuesday between 1-2 (yes they ACTUALLY come during that time).  So if you want to come visit soon we will have lots of groceries :).

The dogs love the fireplace.  It's their favorite place to nap in front of now.  Gertie's eyes are slowly closing as I type this. .....Aaaand...Fiona has decided she is done with this "nap" and is ready for some late morning milk and a snack.  More soon...hopefully