Excitement

This week is an exciting week.  Today, Dave and I go to a new parent's meeting at the doctor's office.  Hoping we get to meet some other new parents, and find out what their experiences have been, and what prenatal classes they plan on taking.  Tomorrow I get to see Wicked, the musical, for the first time!!! I'm super excited about that!  Dave bought me tickets for Christmas, and we're going to make a big date night out of it.  I'm dressing up, since I rarely get to do that, and we're going out to eat Thai food before that (I've been craving it lately).  We've also been looking at baby changing tables/drawer combos.  Here's a  changing table we really like from craige's list in Burbank.  If it works out we're hoping to stop by and take a look at it tomorrow night. Sunday I leave for the Oak's Women's Retreat, down in Ventura at the beach house owned by ministry.  I've been asked to lead a Bible study session, which I'm pretty nervous about, but again, excited.  Also, Venture is right on the beach, so I'm hoping it's warm enough to at least sit on the beach for a bit and relax.  And the city has GREAT thrift stores, so definitely want to check out those with some of the ladies from here that know the place really well.  Anyway--that's about it!  Just wanted to fill you in on some excitement in my life.  

A longed for moment

This last Monday, January 10th, something happened I had been waiting for for a long time--I got to hear a heartbeat.  Ever since last July, when the time came and went when we should have been able to hear our little Grace's heartbeat, I have ached to hear that sound coming from my own belly.  Every doctor's appointment at the OB, I would hear that sound emanating from other patient's rooms, and I would wonder if that time would come for me.  Even after we were able to conceive again, with the complications we had over these last few months, I never fully allowed myself to believe that we would be allowed to hear it.  I've often spoken of how I felt about my miscarriage as a loss of innocence; like the first time a child realizes his parents aren't immortal, all-protecting beings.  I lost the ability to hope, and am still struggling to get it back.  I read a blog recently, passed on to me by a friend, that spoke of this feeling with complete clarity by another mom who has had the same experience.  After hearing that heartbeat, I cried tears of relief and joy into Dave's arms.  And yet, I don't feel pregnant.  I know that sounds weird, and I see this bump growing on my belly, and I talk about it with friends, but I don't know how to feel!  I'm not sad or depressed, but I just haven't connected with this little one.  I've read books that say this is normal, but I don't want it to be normal; I want to be uncontrollably happy for this baby growing inside me, for the future of our family, for this hope.  I mourn the loss of this innocence, but don't we all?  There are points in our lives when we lose something so dear to us, and we come to a crossroads we don't know how to continue through.  And it is at those times, if we allow him to, that God comes and leads us through it.  I pray I will start actively getting know this little one inside me; talking to it more, and worrying about it less, but for right now, I'm content to know that God is doing that for me.  He is guiding my heart, and the baby's heart, and he will connect them when mine is ready.  I do look forward to that day we will meet him or her, and I know, if not before, I will then be forever bonded to this little heartbeat within me.

Dave's birthday reel

Climbing at Stoney Point

                                                              Sunbathing on the beach

                                                       walking Santa Monica Blvd

tree + sunset

                                                                beautiful sunset

                                                          Birthday cheesecake (Sylvia's lemon
                                                    cheesecake recipe turned out great!)

2011 Reflection

As my Christmas tree still twinkles in the background, it feels like any other day in the last weeks of 2011, except it's not.  Today is January 3rd, it's 65 and sunny here in Cali, and I should probably go check on my neighbor's flowers that I'm supposed to be watering...and get her mail too (I should have mentioned to her I have a black thumb when it comes to plants; I'm just hoping they'll all LOOK like they are still alive until a few days after she returns...that being tomorrow).

Yesterday was Dave's birthday.  We went to his favorite bouldering place, Stoney Point, just outside of Simi Valley, and then on to Santa Monica beach--somewhere he hadn't been yet, but is a new favorite of mine.  We sat on the beach, people watched, strolled through the shopping district, and watched a magnificent sunrise....and not once did I think, "I should have been a Mom by now."  God is so merciful, gracious, good, and kind is He not?  He allows us to mourn deeply, but also to have joy in the beautiful moments of our lives.

This year has been such a fantastic year for learning, growing, loving, and overcoming.  A job that Dave was very passionate about, with colleagues and kids he grew to love dearly, ceased to exist, while another one grew up in its place.  I finished my first year of teaching, and realized, though I still maintain middle schoolers are an alien race, that they have such amazing personalities, ambitions, courage, and ofttimes hurt and anger, but that they gave me quite a bit of joy.  We found out we were expecting our first child, and were extremely delighted, frightened, and excited for the next part of our adventures to begin...and begin they did.

In May Dave moved out to California, and started his new job as the Adventure Director for The Oaks Camp and Conference Center, while I finished up my school year teaching.  He trained his new staff, I figured out we owned a lot of stuff we never used, and possibly never have.

On June 27th, my older sister, Shannon, and my younger sister, Bethany, and I, set out on an across the country road trip to my new home.  We packed my little Fit to the brim, donned our sunglasses, and headed for Memphis!  The bbq was divine, and the Elvis statue was closer than we thought, though the creepy guy that managed the camp ground gave is the heebie-jeebies.  The next day we got up, and drove through a deluge in Arkansas, where we saw no less than 6 airplane wings on the back of semis (do they make them there?), and finally arrived in Hot Springs, AK, at a famous bathing house, to get hot springs baths and massages.  It was my birthday, and the day I started bleeding.  I didn't tell them until half-way through lunch, and we decided to go to the hospital.  That's where I learned Bethany can be fiercely protective, especially with mean nurses, and Shannon will take control when you can't bare the thought of trying to think.  And that four sister's arms to hold you up when the world comes crashing down, when no heartbeat appears, when tears turn to crushing sobs, are exactly what you need.

The next morning my sisters asked me if I wanted to drive straight to California, and I said no, I wanted that time with them, and the memories of that road trip, and I'm so glad I did!  That road trip from North Carolina, to Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, and finally California, changed my life.  We saw the Cadillac Ranch in Texas, the amazing canyon and star strewn New Mexico, the beautiful Grand Canyon in Arizona, and the massive Hoover Dam in Nevada.
 I learned that Bethany can sleep anywhere, Shannon gets up much earlier than I prefer, and no one likes my music.  I also learned it is quite easy to get lost with three people that have no sense of direction, even though we had a perfectly good GPS, and a road map, that Texas is WAAAY too hot for me, that jumping into a freezing cold lake with your two sisters while  onlooking fishermen laugh at you in the middle of New Mexico is quite invigorating, that Shannon will never be by my side as I look over the canyon edge, or I will be carrying her for the rest of the day, that the Hoover Dam is in fact in Nevada (though we didn't even know till that afternoon we were driving over it), that Vegas isn't that great--but the Belagio fountain is pretty cool, and that the tattoo artist we used in California is much better with tattoos than he looks--which is good, cause they're permanent.  Overall, I learned my sisters are my biggest allies, my husband is the strongest man that I will ever hold in my arms, and my God is enough, no matter what.

When I got here, an amazing group of new friends appeared out of the woodwork.  I found a new movie buddy (he laughs at all the hilarious parts and Dave just rolls his eyes at us--it works out).  Four amazing women befriended me (I still remember sitting in Olive Garden and thinking how awesome it was to live right beside them, and know they would keep me in their hearts).  Silly summer staff invited us into their fun adventures, and one even let Dave shave his head--good thing too, as using a regular razor on his head was not looking promising.  Families invited us into their lives--Mike always laughs at my short jokes, and follows them up with some of his own.  And friends back in North Carolina sent us tons of messages--letting us know we were loved no matter where we were.

As my parents moved to Papua New Guinea to start their missions work, my family drew closer together; calling, texting, and sending funny cards to let each other know, even though Mom and Dad were not around, that our family was important, and would always be there.  Mom and Dad found out they were stronger than they ever knew, and they could build relationships even when language was a barrier.  And we found out distance was no measure of love or relationship.

This year was a growing year----and I hope I'll grow twice as much this year, and in the years to come.

The Nelson's 1st Christmas

This is our first Christmas weekend just the two of us.  I do miss being with family, but I also have truly enjoyed the time, just Dave and I.  Today, on Christmas Eve, I got up, and made breakfast for the two of us--"eggy in a basket" (a piece of toast with a hole cut in the middle, then fried an egg in the hole and toasted on both sides) and grits.  It turned out pretty good, even though Dave usually makes that meal.  After a relaxed morning, we had soup for lunch (we both still have a bit of a cold), and then took a nap.  Then we took the dogs for a nice long walk along the Northwestern loop trail, and let them run.  It was beautiful up there.  You gain enough elevation to look down over camp during some parts, and on others, you look down over the valley on the other side.  It was perfect to walk and talk together.  Then we came back and had some tea.  Now Dave and the dogs are taking nap #2, while I sit on the couch in front of the roaring fire in the wood stove, lights twinkling on the Christmas tree, and write.  In a little while we're going to head out to the small presbyterian church here in our little town, and go to the candlelight service there.  I always enjoy going to Grandmama's church for their Christmas Eve service, as well as Mervyn and Sylvia's church for the midnight Christmas Eve service.  Hopefully this one will be just as good.  Only half the Christmas weekend is over, and it has already been so wonderful.  I am truly blessed to have this time to spend with Dave, knowing my family across the States, and the ocean, love us, and are just a phone call or Skype conversations away.  We love you all dearly.  Merry Christmas.

Green

I find it quite amazing that things grow here so easily.  And if you have been to Southern California, you probably think I'm crazy, but let me banter a bit.  This is a desolate land for the most part.  There is always dust and sand everywhere.  Scrub bushes and ruddy trees (call Scrub Oak) dot the landscape.  Pine trees are the tallest and largest trees here.... But when the weather turns cooler, and it rains for days, the ground comes alive!  Just outside our house there is a path to the Leap of Faith high ropes element, and further on, the swing set, and soccer/baseball fields.  At the beginning of that path, little shoots of grass have started coming up, of their own accord!  Grass doesn't grow here, by itself, without being unnaturally watered, unless it is raining (which only happens in the fall and winter I am told).  The ground just soaks up every little bit, and throws out grass, flowers, and sprigs of small plants that have been just waiting for moisture.  It's fun to see the transition of the land.  To enjoy a cloudy night sky, cold wind, and a hot seat by the wood stove.  God is teaching me to love this place, but I still miss you.

Flightless Hope

Emily Dickenson famously said, “Hope is the thing with feathers,” but all feathers do not fly. 

Ostriches have feathers—watchful, proud, strong, fearless, violent creatures.   Often hope must be fearless, and violently protective to survive; it must snap at the first hint of threat.  It must run so swiftly with the wind, that flight seems possible, to endure the times the wind is silent, and the howls come only from the soul.  It must puff itself up to look regal, in stunning black and white, to stare down its beak with such a fierce look as to silence the pity that the eagle and the dove so quickly bestow.  The eye says—you will not make me your pawn; fly as high as you wish, I can break you with one clip of my mighty legs, one swipe of my angry beak.  Your pity is not welcome here—do not be so bold as to grieve for me in embrace.  For an embrace will surely mean death, to your throat and my grit. For valor I have, but restraint I can only contain for a while. 

The dove is meek and mild in her approach, and while she tries to empathize, her tears only incite her own comforting, and strength is expended, the little store wasted on one who is not the flightless party.

The kingly, majestic eagle looks down its nib as only a royal would do.  Knowing it may be no match for the ostrich’s strength, but the ostrich will never keep its young on a cliff, miles above all its prey.  It also pities the ostrich for its perilous young, stranded on the earth, with only its weak courage to protect them.  The eagle is cool and collected, knowing the ostrich has much to favor, and envy, but never saying so, as that would give way to maliciousness and cruelty.  It inclines its head in the ostrich’s direction, and nods its crown in respect to the weaker fowl.

The penguin is not commonly thought of as a feathery familiar, but it is.  It oft is overlooked for its merits as a bird—only thought of adoringly, with childlike virginity and wholesomeness.  It mates for life—a well-known, repetitively spoken fact.  But feathery friend or foe, the details bereft of this get foggy.  Their penguin suit is likened to formal wear, as these beasts of great character rightly deserve.  They know community like no sanctuary has ever seen—fishing with grace, diving with beauty, surrounded by peers and family alike.  The males dance in unison, wooing their females, laying claim to their young’s refuge and nest.  The penguin is not afraid to display himself foolishly for his love. For all this the penguin is the only one who really “gets” the ostrich.  No feathers, no flight, no soaring above the heights—but great courage is often shown in the differences between honor and ego.  And for that, if the penguin could, or ever would, the ostrich just might allow the smallest embrace, enfolded in the penguin’s chivalrous bosom, and let his tears of hope flow freely.  Because the hope of a penguin, and of an ostrich, is much smaller, and therefore a hardier substance.  The smallness of it often seems to disappear altogether—but it still exists, in a still small form that ebbs and flows with the tide.

If ______, Then___________.

This week’s Women’s Bible study, on Esther, was extremely powerful for me.  It challenged how most of the way that I live is based on fear.  Fear of failure, loss, hurt, success, or fear itself.  A few years ago I had night terrors on a regular basis.  I had them when I was younger, and was never able to tell anyone about them, because what I dreamed was so vivid and evil.  I guess I thought if I told anyone about what I dreamed, that would reflect on me somehow, or it would say that I was a bad person.  These night terrors were awful—the worst fear I have ever felt.  I would be immobilized by my fear; paralyzed in every sense of the word.  My whole body would be drenched in sweat, and I literally could not move a muscle, usually not even to wake Dave.  The dreams were usually about someone being in my house, about safety of myself and other family members.  I remember the dream I had when I was young very clearly; to this day I remember it to a T.  I had it over and over again for years.  It always involved my mom and I getting hunted down, sometimes by the betrayal of a friend. 

The Bible study today focused on the question, “What if fear was not involved in your decision making process.”  I immediately thought, “I would write more, read more, befriend more, put myself out there more, serve more, spend less time on appearances,” and on and on.  The Bible study leader said to do this fill in the blank.  If______, then_______.  We are supposed to fill in the first blank with one of our worst fears, and the second with what would happen to us, or what we would do, if that were realized.  This last week the devil has been trying to fill me with fear over my dad having malaria.  The devil seemed to whisper, “He may die, you may never see him again, he will never meet any of your future children!”  So this is the blank I chose to fill in, and it would go something like this.

            If my dad dies in Papua New Guinea, then my mom will fall apart.  I will fall apart.  My sisters and brothers will fall apart.  We will have to live in world where my father no longer exists. Where he was SUPPOSED to live to 80 something. He will never meet my children—he, the man who loves babies, will never tell him/her about how (s)he is a better swimmer/climber/bicycler/writer/math student             than his/her mother. He will never take them camping, or teach them to tell direction by the movement of the sun.  He won’t bend down on one knee in front of them and say, in his kind voice, “Ohhh, that’s ok,” when something of his gets broken, because he doesn’t care about things.  I will never hear my Daddy laugh again; he will never take my arm in his, he will never skip embarrassingly through             the grocery store park in lot with me holding his hand.  I will fall apart….and then I will slowly start to heal, piece by piece.  I will remember….the good times—when he took me on camping trips, taught me how to set up a tent, build a fire, rappel, hike, tried to teach me a sense of direction-and how to read a map, taught me to choose a man by his character.  I will remember him playing capture the flag with water guns on my 16^th birthday, and the speech he gave when I graduated high school, and his arm in mine as I walked down the isle on my wedding day—three events my friend Jenny did not get to experience with her dad.  And I will thank God profusely for allowing me to have a father that raised             me to love God, and who loved God himself, and ALL he wanted for his children, and THEIR children, was for them to do the same. 

And then fear is gone, and courage is in its place.  Because I know that “If______, then God .”  Because, as each challenge arises, our heavenly father is there, taking our hand, and heart in his, and giving us new strength and will that are not ours but his.  He will be there with courage to spare.  2 Tim. 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.”

missing leaves

A fav. photo of Island Park back in Bryson during the Fall

Mamma

Missin my Mamma today--wondering if she would like the writing I've been doing lately, if it would make her laugh.   Wondering if she would stare at the pile of dishes on my counter, or roll her eyes at the fact that the clothes I washed three days ago are still in the dryer--dry.  Thinking this is the time of year they usually go camping, and wondering if she's thinking of cooler days around a campfire.  I know we would share a laugh over the fact that half the plants I bought a few months ago are already dead--but that having half still alive is still a pretty big deal.  I wish I could call her up, and just chat about the weather, making friends, and how everyone is doing at home.  I miss you Mamma; can't wait to talk soon.

YOU are enough

Lord, You are enough, when the tears rain down like icebergs melting in May. Lord, You are enough, when our wishes we will, aren't Your will, that day.  Lord, You are enough, when all seems lost.  Lord, You are enough, when it is the greatest of costs.  Lord, You are enough, when we only have the strength to whisper Your name.  Lord, You are enough when if feels as if nothing will ever be the same.  Lord, You are enough, when my throat burns with tears unshed.  Lord, You are enough, when the healing words go unsaid.  Lord, You are enough, when the sun basks on my skin.  Lord, You are enough, when fears creep in.  Lord, You are enough, when my day falls neatly into place, and You are enough, when piles of dishes are too vast to face.  Lord, You are enough, when my friendships are faithful, and You are enough, when they turn hateful.  Lord, You were enough for my darkest hour, and I thank you for making the words, "You are enough," lift my soul from its cower.

LN

The Girl with the Traveling Tattoo

That is the title of the parody Dave thinks I should write on the books "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" and" The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."  Who knows, it could be amusing.  I have been writing a lot as of late, but not fiction.  The work I'm writing with a vengeance at the moment is much more personal, and I'm not sure it will ever see the light of day, but it feels good to write with a purpose.  I've been reading so much lately, all fiction, and loving it, but I'm not sure what I would write if I wrote fiction.  I don't really care about creating stories so much as reading them.  I love getting lost in their intricate lives and stories.  I just finished reading The Hunger Games, and if you want to get truly taken away in a story, you should sit down to read that one.  Just know you're not going to be able to think about anything else until you finish all three.  I realize that's not a convenience most people, especially people with kids, can afford, but give yourself an hour a day and jump in.  You won't be disappointed.  Well, I guess this post is just to say, "I've been writing," which lots of you have encouraged me to do, so there you have it.

Now that I think about it--the title of this blog could be a autobiography.....hmmmm.

Pine needles

I cannot walk through a pine forest and fail to be transported immediately back to my ten year old self, racing through the woods beside siblings on the way to Mame and Pop's house at Lake Norman, trying to beat my parents driving around by the road.  It is my most pungent memory--my strongest most fragrant reminder of sunset dinners on the boat, playing with old Legos, a random phone in a box nailed to a pine tree, being made to wear a swim belt even in shallow water, and swinging too high (and getting scolded for it) on the sunroom swing.  The smell of pine needles brings back all these things--even in the midst of a walk in Yosemite, I am reminded.

gratuitous tears

Sometimes I feel myself start to tear up, and I don't know why I'm crying...and then I remember my heart is still tender, and baby bumps and wee sleepy snuggles come to mind. I stare openly and unashamed at the cute ones that gurgle and bounce on a daddy's knee at dinner, or trundling tots as they adventure off on their own, maneuvering endless legs and tables that reach to the heavens. I feel I have no right to these tears--as travesties of vast proportions have wrecked the world, and all I have is a one-time empty womb, and hope for a future time... A dear friend once told me, she never overlooks others' pain, no matter how tiny it seems to some, and I hope I am so gracious--I strive to be so gracious..."God make my heart bigger, not smaller"

Snapshots of Colorado fun

So a couple of weeks ago we went to Colorado for a wedding. I FINALLY got to be a Best Man in a wedding (it was on my bucket list)! My long time friend, Sean Macha, and his beautiful bride, Anuschka, got married above a huge gorge with amazing views. We also got to go whitewater body boarding with them, and I got a ride on Sean's motorcycle :). On the way back to the airport in Denver, we stopped by Garden of the Gods, which we will DEFINITELY return to with gear to play! So here are a few snapshots of the fun times and beautiful scenery.

A few niceties go a LONG way

Today I had to call my medical insurance--BlueCross BlueShield--about some claims back in June and early July when all the sadness happened. It consisted of three different days of medical visits in two different states. The medical bills have really been stressing me out, considering I haven't ever had bills like these before, for thousands of dollars, but my insurance lady put me much more at ease. She was so kind and patient, going through each claim, how much the total was, and how much we are responsible for. She helped me categorize each date by how many claims for that day, so I know what to expect to get in the mail from the respective medical facilities. Though, in general, I think insurance companies get the better end of the deal on these things, and the system still needs A WHOLE LOTTA WORK, the woman I spoke to made a huge weight fall off my shoulders, just by helping me understand more, and feel more in control of the situation. It was a rather lovely experience!

Clash of the titans..errr...dislike of rules i don't agree with

I went to a training for substitute teaching today for a Christian school in the area. I agreed with pretty much everything they stood for, and the outcome of the knowledge and education the students graduate with. Many of the graduating students from this school have ended up in ivy league colleges, or top military schools or positions--I was impressed! There's just this one thing--I have to cover up all my tattoos. I know I know--most of you would say--"I told you so," or "Yep, that's why professional jobs and tattoos don't go together," but let me state my case. Firstly, with my brief experience with Californians, I have never seen this many people, of ALL walks of life and job statuses, with more tattoos--and BIG ones--before in my life. Using that point, I would say this rule would mean a lot of people have to cover up tattoos. Secondly, they recommended that it be covered up by clothing, or a bandage of some kind. Isn't a child going to be MORE curious about the tattoo, and MORE distracted by a person wearing an Ace bandage on their arm/leg all day, every day, than by the tattoo itself (obviously if the tattoo is inappropriate, this is not applicable)? Thirdly, I strongly believe that you should be the person you are all the time--meaning--don't swear at certain times in front of certain people, and not in front of others (for those of you that know me, know I am working on this in my own life too), or drink in front of certain people, and not others (again, this doesn't apply to drinking with someone you know will be tempted to drink too much, or hurting them emotionally). Stop the duplicity!!! Be the person God created you to be ALL. THE. TIME. Lastly, what is the rule accomplishing; because if it is not accomplishing something to the glory of God, then why would a Christian school make the rule (to make the parents/tuition payers happy? Because it's an old rule? etc.)? A rule that says, "You must cover all profane, lewd, or inappropriate tattoos" would be sufficient (allowing the principle to decide if something was "appropriate" in a disagreement). O.k. I'm done. I haven't ranted on here in quite awhile; feels kinda good ;). Don't worry; I won't get use to this.

sweet wee breath

I got to put a four year old up our Leap of Faith pole today. Today was my first official day working for The Oaks as one of Dave's hourly staff. I got to run the Leap of Faith with him all afternoon! All the adults had gone off already, and I walked up and asked little D if he wanted to go.

His mom: He can?!
me: Sure! We have just the harness to fit!
me to D: You want to go?
D: --big grin and nod--

He was SO excited! His little legs were quite long enough to make all the steps, so I climbed up a bit behind him to give him extra footholds with my hands. He only went half way, but that huge grin never left his face, and he loved swinging down the best! Makes me miss working with kids for sure. I'm most of the way through my application for the local school so I can substitute, and I think I'm going to go find out how I can volunteer at The Painted Turtle this week--I need some more "smile" energy, and I'm pretty sure those kids could fill me up! I also put in a application with the local pub and restaurant called The Rock. I kinda hope I get a job there, just to learn the locals; it's a kooky, fun kind of place.

Well, I'm headed home to take the dogs for an evening walk and set up our guest bedroom for a co-workers gf for night. TTYS

Things

Things I no longer take for granted:

*grass--there is only grass where the sprinklers water touches--otherwise it's sand/dirt
*big, tall, shady trees--there are several of these around my house, and I'm so thankful for them!!!
*rain--if it rains before November, it's always a surprise, so far it has rained once since Dave arrived here mid-May, and thankfully I got to be here for that one!)
*internet--internet was easier to get in S. Africa--here I have to walk/bike to Dave's office to get it, hopefully Verizon will grace us with its presence very soon.
*cell phone coverage--in case you have tried to call me here, I don't get cell reception except in a few select places (when the wind is not blowing and I am facing the correct direction). So--text me first, then I'll find a spot to talk to you (though I may have to run to the soccer field to do so)
*electric stove--ours is gas--which still totally freaks me out! I'm still afraid i'm going to blow up the house

Things I am so excited to have here!!!

*a washer and dryer!!!! (I HAVE NEVER HAD ONE IN MY HOUSE!!!)
*a bathtub--it is SO nice to shave my legs and NOT hit my head on the adjoining wall
*neighbors I can pop in on daily--or join on the playground with their kids (I have never known my neighbors very well--maybe because most of them were seasonal renters, but it is SO nice to enjoy my neighbors and their great kids, AND wonderful hospitality!)
*Barnes & Noble, Trader Joe's, Target, Olive Garden, $2 movies, etc---Palmdale is TWENTY MINUTES away, and has ALL THESE THINGS, plus MORE! It's so awesome!!!!

Prayer things:
*(me) Need to find a purpose driven thing for me--a part-time job, volunteer work, SOMETHING--i'm going a little stir crazy
*(dave) Support at he plays "catch-up" for these past few months as he's still new to his job, and there's always something else to do or plan (ah the camp life)

We love you all!!!

beginnings

I'm sitting in Dave's office getting internet this morning (well, it's morning here for 3 more minutes--which means it will probably be afternoon by the time I finish), as I don't have internet, or for that matter, cell phone coverage, at the house. The house is pretty much unpacked, except for the spare room/office/whatever that becomes. The paint colors aren't my favorite, but they are manageable for now, and after summer camp ends and things settle down here, then maybe we will get to pick out some nicer colors.

We've decided to theme our house a sort of bohemia feel, I guess that means eclectic? Patterns everywhere basically. At first, we had two couches with different patterns, one we bought and a super comfy one that just showed up, and I didn't like it. But then, just for fun, we threw down our rug of a different pattern, and some throw pillows ALSO with different patters, and I kinda fell in love with it! Dave loves it of course :). He said this is exactly how he always wanted his house to look. I'm sure Grandmama would say it looks more like "early basement, late attic" in style, lol, but it's us. Now if we can just get the boxes taken away, the pictures hung, and the house cleaned, we will be good.

I think my chances of finding full time teaching this year are slim to none, and i have to say i am more than o.k. with that. I am pursuing being a regular substitute this year at the local schools, and then trying to get in more full time next year. I do need SOMETHING to keep me focused, and I want to learn more about the community center up the road, and see if they have a volunteer tutoring program. There's also this camp, called The Painted Turtle, that I am interested in as well. It's funny because after high school I was very interested in working at the camp Kyle Petter helped with, Victory Junction, that works with kids that have disabilities and special needs. The Painted Turtle is literally 3 minutes away, and is one of the string of camps associated Victory Junction spread across the U.S. So, there are lots of things to explore this fall. I do feel a bit guilty for not pursuing a full time teaching position more heartily, ok at all, but I don't know why. I guess I just feel I should be monitarily inputing into our family more, since I won't be having a baby this school year.

Well, lunch is soon, and I should walk the dogs back to the house. Two camp kids just scootered by the window towards the dining hall, so I guess I should head that way too. I have a coffee date with a friend this afternoon during her boys' nap time that I am very excited about. Now I just need to unload a few boxes before then!

a reappearance

I didn't want to talk to anyone--but I clung to Bethany and Shannon. That's how I felt that day--I wanted to shut everything down and disappear. And I did to some extent--I didn't tell anyone except for immediate family--and Bethany and Shannon were the ones that called them all--I couldn't do it--I couldn't hear the sadness in their voices or hear their tears. I needed to shut down to preserve what was left of the joy in my life at that moment. And that's how I went on with the roadtrip. I needed to make new memories of that week, to fall in a different kind of love with my sisters, and have a time we can always look back on, a time that was not completely overshadowed by grief.

I texted and FB-ed about our loss last week, and didn't reply to many texts or calls from anyone--but the words from you all meant the world to us. I'm slowly opening back up, and am able to talk about it a bit, though still not without tears quite often, so if you call and I start to cry, and you are a bit scared (considering I really hate to cry in front of people, whether on the phone or not), know I can't help it anymore, they just seem to pour out of me at random moments.

Our stuff arrived Friday, and seeing the baby things was really difficult. I didn't think I would want to go through the boxes, but I did--I wanted to see it all and remember how excited we were. And something else happened too; the love from all the people those things came from poured out on us. Seeing the shoes, the cute onesies, the New Daddy Survival Kit, it made us cry yes, but it also made us feel loved. We know we will have a child one day, hopefully at least one I am able to carry myself, and that stuff gives us hope.

I am s l o w l y settling into camp life here, after having spent much of the time last week in doctor's offices and the like, but I do feel a bit restless to try and find my place here. I need a purpose--maybe a job--something, so please pray that I find that, whatever it is, soon. Also pray for my friendships here to blossom. There are some amazingly loving people here at camp--pray that I am adventurous in my pursuit of them. You laugh, because you see me as an extremely outgoing and loud person I am sure, but when it comes to new arena's, I am often shy (I KNOW! A word not EVER associated with me). I will be on here more now hopefully. And I am ready for calls and letters and such if you would like to chat. I always love mail too <3.

EOG's--morning one

This morning started out so completely chaotic. I got up on time, got to school by 7:20, and then hit the ground running. I barely remembered to use the bathroom before we had to be "locked" in the classroom for 3 hrs! Our block of teachers decided to use some of the money our students fundraised to get them breakfast on the EOG mornings. While that seemed like a great idea, in reality it made it just that much more stressful for us each morning. Now we have to get here, get all our testing stuff, get the food from whoever picked it up, located which fridge the waterbottles are in, set out all testing stuff, and get the kids to eat & use the bathroom before 8:15. It's a little much :). Anyway, the kids are busily taking their tests now, and they have 5 more minutes before their first stand-up and stretch break. I didn't get myself coffee this morning because I was afraid it would make me have to pee, but now I'm about to fall asleep. I will say I am enjoying the quiet and praying the kids know this stuff! We'll see!

and a bit more :)

Well--my last post was title "the Big News," but honestly I think our newest news is bigger! The week before Easter I started feeling bad. I wasn't sure what it was, but it didn't seem out of the ordinary. That week came and went, and the feeling didn't go away. Then I took a test--and we are going to have a baby! We are both extremely excited, but it's also a very difficult time. Dave left last Saturday for California, and I will follow the last week of June. He's only been gone for four days, and I'm already lost without him. Plus, being in my first trimester, I often feel sick to my stomach (though thankfully have not actually thrown up), and am usually exhausted regardless of my amount of sleep. This morning I can barely keep my eyes open! These last few weeks of school feel like I'm trudging through the mud to keep up. Trying to push the kids to study for the EOG's is so hard--they don't want to do it, but they also want to pass--it's a total catch-22.
I'm trying to pack a bit more each day, find renters for both apartments, work out plans with our property manager, find a person to mow the yard when we're gone, and work out dates with the movers (plus finding someone to help transport our new couch from Asheville to my house). And I'm exhausted all the time...did I mention that? God willing these weeks will fly by, but right now the calendar seems to stretch to eternity.

the big news...

Some of you may have heard a rumor...or a leak of some interesting information regarding our future abode. A while back Dave was laid off from his state job working with adjudicated youth, and he started putting in applications all over the U.S. for camp jobs. He then started getting a few nibbles here and there; a few phone interviews. After awhile there was a pretty big offer--he was flown out to California to view a camp and interact with the staff there that he had had phone interviews with. A few days later they offered him a job, and a few days after that....he accepted! So, we are moving out to Lake Hughes, California. Actually, Dave is moving in just a few weeks--he has to start staff training, as in training his staff, on the 19th. I will be staying in WNC until the school year is over, and roadtriping out there the last week in June with (hopefully) Shannon and Bethany! It's a quick move--and pretty crazy at the moment, but things seem to be falling in place! I think we found a property manager for our duplex, so we can keep renting it out. I have already put in a few applications there--nothing yet--but i'm hopeful it will work out. Anyway--that's the news--if you want to know specifics about Dave's job, FB him! :)

boys...and girls :)

I sat in the classroom after my students finished up testing--hoping to be able to keep them quiet for the other classes benefits. How EXACTLY do you keep 20 thirteen and fourteen years olds in a very small room quiet??? Well--i told them they COULD NOT talk, but they could sit side-by-side and pass notes. This obviously led to whispering, but as long as I told them they couldn't talk, it stayed like that--since they already felt like rebels by breaking the rules for not talking :). I hate being so hard on them--especially because i want to love on them all the time, cause most of the time i think they are hilarious and i just have to be a hard-ass and not laugh--when i really feel like it! I love the times when i can cut up with them, when we have free time and i can get to know them better, and see what's REALLY going on in their lives. Of course some days I feel like I want to wring their little necks, but mostly--these days--i want to hug them--but i don't cause that's not allowed :). This first year teaching has been one roller coaster after another. The first part of the year was terribly hard, but now it gets easier every day. About halfway through the year i wasn't sure if i wanted to teach next year, if teaching was really my calling, but now I know it is. Middle schoolers are a rough bunch for sure, but they are "pretty cool" after all, don't tell THEM i said that of course.

Dear Graduate......

Dear Graduate:
You are about to embark on a journey of a lifetime! The world is your oyster, and you are....the fisherman? I'm not really sure where they are going with that metaphor, but it is said quite often isn't it? And what IS this about this journey you are about to embark on--this adventure, I mean, what HAVE you been doing for the last twenty-two years of your life anyway---waiting in line? Or possibly a queue if you're British. I say--you've already had several, if not many many adventures, now they will just be on your own dime. Anyway, to all of your graduates out there, who are being asked DAILY where your life is going, and what you are going to do with it, here are a few choice one or two liners that may get you off the hook, or at least put a smile on YOUR face. You're welcome.

To answer the question, "So what are you going to do after you graduate?"

To your grandparents---Well, I heard recently of this place in Montana where you get to work for your keep. Kinda like an old Western. It's really cool though! I could be putting up fence posts and expounding on world hunger with REAL PEOPLE. It's totally NOT like a commune or anything. Mom and Dad think it's a great idea.

To the younger, expectant students--McDonald's--yep--they said their manager has a graduate degree in psychology! So--i may have to go back to school to move up, but I'm starting out behind the register for now, since I do have a business degree.

To random people who you don't really know--Stand-up comedy! Yeah, my teachers always said if I didn't go into it I would be wasting my talent. What? No I didn't get a degree in acting; it was in ceramics actually. Why do you ask?

To the old--I'm getting into the Forestry Film Industry. Yeah! You know those people who do the videos of the plants growing? You can ACTUALLY watch trees grow!

To the over-educated, 7-degree, 40 yr old full-time student--Pet grooming. I think pets really need to consider the message they're sending out to children going out without clothes on or their nails done.

To the people who paid for your education: I'm gonna donate platelets, like, every two weeks--did you know they PAY you for that? It's so sweet!

To the raft guide--I'm going to go on welfare--I will make more sitting on my butt than you do getting raft rear all summer! And I can buy beer with THAT money too!


And then you could ask in return: "And what are you going to do about our country's over consumption of fuel, the huge deficit, and tsunami victims in Japan?" And wait for their answer to your huge, life-altering question.

what i spend my "free" money on

When I have a little extra money, I never spend it on pedicures and this is somehow odd to some of my school friends. But I have things to do with my money! Like see movies, for instance, because I love movies! And buy used books--there is little I love more than a good used book store and $10 in my pocket. I also like to hang-out with friends--so some of my money goes towards eating out. And of course the biggest expense is travel--because, if i could, I would travel every month or so to a new place outside the U.S. for the weekend. So--in case you were ever wondering--that's what I spend my "free" money on. Not pedicures, tanning beds, gym memberships, new cars, or outdoor gear :)

roots

When you get married, everyone figures you'll put down roots somewhere. You'll move to a small town, get involved in a church, befriend people at work and people that have the same hobbies as you. We did that. But the problem is, our roots seem to be dying and moving away--not us. In past two years, two of our closest couple friends have gotten a divorce, and one of them has moved away. Another couple moved to Florida, and one of our best guy friends moved to Asheville (though it's close, we still don't see him that often). And then there's the people we meet during the summer and love, but leave during the other three seasons of the year. Oh--we have also had a pastor change while we've been here--they also moved away. And now that I think about it, our first music leader and his wife moved too! Our roots are disappearing right and left, and we feel as if we have stayed put, and yet we're constantly starting over! Lately, with Dave's job ending, we've been looking at other places for jobs. Every time I think about it, I think, "But we'll have to start over," but then I realize I've already started over about three times since we moved HERE, I should be a pro at this now. For example, I love my new friends at school. We text and FB chat and hang out all the time! But what if my contract doesn't get renewed next year; it's pretty certain we really wouldn't see each other that much, considering I don't work in the town we live in. Or Dave--who's really bonded with his fellow employees this year, and now they are being dispersed to look for new jobs--again--he doesn't work where we live. It's exhausting! It almost makes me not want to try! What if i get close to these people and they have a nasty divorce--you say i don't have to choose, but they are gonna make me choose between them when new relationships crop up (i know, been there done that with a few of them already). There is nothing more rewarding than being in true fellowship with people, but it's almost like getting broken up with when circumstances change and relationships dissolve! I don't like it--and I don't really have an answer, but starting over all the time really sucks

i believe...in fairies?

not so much, but that would be great. I would like a cleaning fairy, and a chocolate fairy, and a lesson planning fairy.

During the sermon at church the other day, I started thinking about the line I draw when it comes to "faith." I put that in parenthesis because I feel like people often use "faith" as crutch to be lazy, indecisive, and unappreciative of the abilities they already have. For example, people say, "When God wants me to have a job He'll give me one." Really? So THAT'S why there are millions of people out of work--because God doesn't want them to have jobs? Don't get me wrong, I do NOT believe that, "God helps those who help themselves" (possibly from Ben Franklin...but probably quoted by him from someone else). However, I do believe God creates us as mostly capable human beings, with brains, gumption, and sometimes common sense. So SOME of the people who do not have jobs may not be trying hard enough (on NPR the other day there was a guy who put in about 100 applications a month minimum to finally find a job--now that's REALLY wanting a job), but others just may be down on their luck. So where does using what God gave you, and faith come together? Well, I think we do what we can, work hard, love well, connect with others (maybe one of the hardest things to do), and live in faith that WHATEVER happens, God will be there to see us through it. Faith is not believing God will make everything work out the way you hope it will, it's believing there is something to still hope for when everything falls apart.

new year.....

it's been awhile...hmmm...so what's new? Well, it's now January, instead of November (when I last posted). Since last time, I have enjoyed a beautiful Thanksgiving with my family here, a snowy Christmas with my family in Ireland (and a lovely new nephew), lots of snow days and fun with sleds, a time of growth in my marriage, and an improved outlook on teaching middle schoolers. Oh! And I started taking Spanish classes again! It's a lot right?
First off, I think this past year's Thanksgiving was one of the most rewarding I can remember in quite awhile. It was a great time of visiting with both sides of the family; such good conversations, meals, and love from everyone we saw!
Over Christmas we went back to Ireland to see Dave's family. As soon as we got there, we were snowed in. It stayed below freezing most of our visit, but we got to spend it with all of his family, and new baby Micah too!
After we got back home, it snowed some more :). Well, all of you know that as you have experienced it all--but it's still on the ground and causing school delays here. We were out all but one day in the last week--which led to lots of snow fun at home!
Dave and I, and some good friends and neighborhood kids, sledded quite a bit in the last week (air mattress sledding is the way to go with lots of powder by the way). It also gave Dave and I time to relax together, as he was snowed in with me (yay!). We had some quality time, which we needed after holiday business.
The new Spanish teacher at the high school decided to offer a Spanish class for teachers, and he is wonderful; very excited and enthusiastic. I'm learning a lot already! I can even do the Mexican handshake :).
Anyway, that's a little bit of my life since November.
OH! I almost forgot my New Year's Resolutions!
1-Yoga twice a week for at least 30 mins (i failed the 1st week--but so far so good on the 2nd one!)
2-Take a vacation with just Dave and I some time this year (we haven't done that in ages, and I know we don't have kids, but it's better time spent together when we are out of the house)--we were going to go during Spring Break--but with the snow days, it looks like we may have had it already! :)

time....

Time flies.....always. I can't believe it has been two months since I posted on here--it seems days ago. It's been ten weeks since i started teaching, and, although i don't have panic attacks anymore (at least daily), i still feel as if i'm in a whirlwind. Sometimes it's all i can do to stay sane--i'm not sure i feel as if i'm actually teaching them anything. I SINCERELY hope i am--but sometimes i don't know. I ask myself over and over again, "What do I want them to really get out of this? What do I want them to learn?" and sometimes the answers to those questions aren't easy things to teach--what do i REALLY want them to learn? I want them to learn respect, the value of an education, the value of a life, the repercussions words easily said and not easily taken back, and, I remember myself saying this to people before i started teaching, how to love reading. But HOW do you teach those things--i mean--really, ideas would be helpful!!! And here's another one--how do you inspire students to WANT to learn--how do you light a fire under a kid that really doesn't give a flying flip about grades (if i have to hear "i don't care" ONE MORE TIME today....)??? Candy only goes so far! How do you let a child go--sure "No Child Left Behind" sounds great--but, as most parents know, there are some things you CANNOT FORCE on a child--I can only give them the tools--i cannot make them learn. When does it become their responsibility????? The students that have parent involvement will always turn in homework--or at least most of it. I can call them, and they will back me up. But for those who do not, who are in an institution, or whose parent(s) are so busy trying to help them survive with food and shelter to have time to worry also about their education, my remonstrations fall on bleeding ears. So here I am, Sunday night, trying to give myself a pep-talk. "Leigh," I say, "You go in there tomorrow and be excited--tell them they WILL learn today. Smile more. Laugh. Connect with their life" But who knows how i'll feel by 3:30. Is it terrible that i often feel like our public educations system is being held together with duct tape and fairy dust? I love the grit--i love these kids--i see they need help--but sometimes-----i too surrounded by "great ideas" and "reality" to really make this work.

So tomorrow--i will march in there--and hand out a sparkly wand (oh yes, 8th graders still love toys) and a tiny plastic trophy, and I will say, "You people are stinkin awesome--and you are gonna change the world!" because I hope that I can too.

hello???........

Ok--so I'm not sure anyone ever reads this anymore--since it's been over a MONTH since i last posted, but if you do, here's an update. I'm a teacher now--in case ya didn't know--i know--it's a bit crazy to think of me in a classroom. My kids are lovely--ha ha--well--they're kids, so they have good days and bad days. I teach 8th grade English at the middle school (jr high?) in Macon county (Franklin). It's an adjustment from the expected high school teaching, but it's going well so far! I'm not quite into the swing of things yet, still having to catch my bearings some days. Some afternoons I wonder why i do this--but come evening and some sleep, I always remember my students fondly. :) I just want to teach well--i'm still trying to find my teaching personality with these guys. I hope that I get better at it--right now I feel kinda like i'm flailing, but I'm just gonna keep plugging away--asking lots of questions, and doing my best!

I think the hardest part is the hours. With Dave gone three days a week, and then me working when he is off, it often feels like we're passing in the halls (though we don't really have any of those, lol). The long weekend was really wonderful, and I'm working hard on trying not to bring work home on the weekends.

We officially have a babysitter now--ok ok--DOGsitter. She comes on Tuesdays and Wednesdays to play with the dogs a couple of times during the day, as those are my late nights. I leave at 6:30 am and don't usually get home till after 6:30 pm on those days. Hoping to have late nights when Dave does. Anyway--that's the update. Now--I gotta take a shower and get to bed! I'm exhausted! :) NIGHT!

firsts

Yesterday I kayaked the Ocoee for the first time. It's a pretty big river, class 3's and 4's. I'm not quite sure i was totally prepared to kayak those classes, but I thought I should step up my game and push myself, so I went for it! Two good friends here took me down and guided me through each rapid (I generally avoided the class 4's by taking sneak routes, i need to get a bit better before i hit it full on). I have to say, it started with a bang! I swam (came out of my boat) the very first rapid-which was a doozy by the way--lost my paddle--but finally swam to the side with my boat. I was shaking all over! It was definitely the biggest class swim I've ever done. I didn't get cut up too badly, but I got some minor cuts and bruises; feeling it today for sure! After that I was pretty nervous. My friend Tyler gave me his paddle to use (you're awesome dude!) and he found a normal raft paddle (yes, one sided), and did the whole rest of the river that way! My adrenaline was still pumping pretty good as I ran the rest of the river--biggest waves I've ever paddled through--but it was fantastic! Super, SUPER fun. So--my day of firsts went like this:

--First swim in a class 3+ rapid
--First time losing a paddle
--First time paddling a class 3+ river
--First surf and consequential combat roll in big water
--First time FINDING my paddle (a nice raft guide returned it at the end of the day)
--First time hitchhiking (had to get back to the car park up river)

As I was riding in the back of that truck on the way to the put-in at the top, I couldn't stop smiling! It was such a fantastic day, and I KNOW I will paddle it again--though I may walk past Grumpy's (the first rapid) to start for quite a while. WUHOO! It was awesome.

summer

In the summers I get to live a slightly different life. My friends may or may not believe there is a God, there is no social acceptability except that you are true to yourself and love people, and I don't get looked down upon when I curse (which, coincidentally, happens more often in the summer). Every summer I almost wish I could melt into my summer world. A world where things are simpler, raft guiding and work drama, and most of all have fun, well, that's all there is. I have made some true friends this summer--friends my heart already has a special place for--friends I won't quickly grow out of--i love them deeply even though it's only been a few months. I've been reading the book "Blue Like Jazz" for the first time this summer, and it's really meant a lot to me. But what pushed me to write this morning was a specific passage:

The real issue with Christian community was that it was conditional. You were loved, but if you had questions, questions about whether the Bible was true or whether American was a good country or whether last week's sermon was good, you were not so loved. You were loved in word, but there was, without question, a social commodity that was being withheld from you until you shaped up...If you wanted to be valued, you became a clone...There was love in the Christian community, but it was conditional love. (Blue Like Jazz pp 214-215)

Why is it that we Christians have the hardest time with that: love? TWO THINGS--that's it, just two things Jesus said were the things to live by. "LOVE the Lord your God with all your heart, and LOVE your neighbor as yourself." Last Sunday our associate pastor spoke on just that--our job is to LOVE, just love. Why can't we love lesbians, gays, republicans, democrats, and all races on earth??? I love my God, I love that HE loves me, little ol me, who's screwed up more than a few things in life. I thank Him daily that He blessed me with a wonderful guy who feels the same way about Him. But my main job, is to love like Jesus loved while he was here--eating with the unclean, loving the unlovable, and remembering that those Holier than Thou people are in that category too. Love. K--now I'm gonna go kayak the Ocoee--you should start praying now :)

TO DO:

-wash clothes
-hang clothes out (PLEASE DON'T RAIN!!!)
-take dogs to park
-go grocery shopping (when Dave came home last night he said, "you REALLY don't like shopping do you?" "No--why do you ask?" "Cause there's no food in the house" "I eat a lot of hummus and bread :) ")
-wash dishes
-get clothes off line
-fold clothes
-pay bills
-take trash and recyclables
-give blood @ 5:45
-meet dave and head to going away party for friends

That's what my day looks like---or SHOULD look like. Now I must just get off the couch and start doing it!

checked off:

Movies watched so far:
Iron Man 2
Robin Hood
Sex and the City 2
Letters to Juliet


So far none have impressed me too much. Thinking of watching Prince of Persia, but since i never played the game, i'm not sure i'm really gonna get it. I did like Robin Hood; i thought it was a nice take on an old tale--it was really more of a prequel to the usual story. I feel like I watch a lot of movies when Dave is gone--but most would say I watch a lot of movies period, and I would probably agree. My life at the moment is odd to me. When Dave is gone I feel like I lose motivation to get stuff done. I mean, I do stuff with other people and I go to work, when needed, but house work kinda falls through the cracks--maybe i'm becoming a bachelor :). I do tend to hang out with more single people when he's not around, it feels weird to hang out with our married friends by myself. We play a lot of Settlers, watch movies, and drink coffee. It's fun though. It almost feels like I'm back in college, the first time, just finding my footing on my own. I do hate sleeping alone though, especially when my duplex mate is gone. I feel restless--like I just can't figure out what i'm doing right now. Work is slow, applications are coming up with nothing, the only positive i'm getting is from Gaston, and that's not anywhere near here--or more importantly--Dave's current job. What is it I'm supposed to be doing right now? Guess I feel a bit purposeless since SA.
Well--i've been sitting on the couch for far too long. Dishes need to be done and I'm heading to see Dave this evening and we're spending the weekend out in A-ville. Signing off.

Enter Summer Movies!!!!

So last night was the kick-off to my summer movie season. Iron Man 2 was the first one of my list, releasing last Friday (May 7). I was pretty excited about this movie--the first one was so kick-ass, how could i not be? A big-name cast of actors including Scarlett Johansson, Gwyneth Paltrow, Samual L Jackson, Mickey Rourke, Robert Downey Jr, and the amazing Don Cheadle, made me think this was going to be even better than the last. Unfortunately, I was sadly mistaken. First, there were millions of tiny plots throughout the movie that just didn't go far enough. It seemed almost as if they never really had a main story line, but chose every piece of writing available and put it all together just to make a second movie. Second, the characters, new and old, weren't developed enough. That in itself was surprising to me because even Tony Stark wasn't delved into in this film, especially the relationship with his father that could have been a great thing. The only character I felt was really fleshed out was the villain, Ivan Vanko, played by Mickey Rourke. As everyone knows action/comic book movies NEED a good villain, I'd say the writers weren't doing anything out of the ordinary there. The new character, Natalie Rushman (played by Scarlett Johansson), was so under written it seems should could have been written out! Was Pepper (Paltrow) just not sexy enough that you writers were trying to interject some "ooh la la" to the film? Because Paltrow can be sexy--just give her something to work with for a change (and where did that scene with her kissing the helmet go anyway???). Third, and lastly, it was just anticlimactic. The final fight scene was over in about 15 seconds, while the robot chase scene lasted forever! I mean, it could be summed up by saying, "Ok Rhodey (Cheadle), Flying V " (enter Chariots of Fire theme song)... BAM--they win! All that to say--Iron Man 2--you let me down. Oh well, Robin Hood, you're up next. Don't disappoint me (but I mean, it's Russel Crowe, it's gonna be good, or at lest sexy ;).

I am Eustace

I am Eustace. The Lion has cut me deep. I have shed layer upon layer until I finally reappeared. Others recognize me for who I was, yet I cannot find her anywhere. Each layer was painfully lanced off, but it was only necessary. And yet, I have returned to a foreign land, not from. I look around and I see nothing that is of worth to me. I return to a trade I don't believe in, to a people that don't believe in me. I look in the water, and it scares me what I see. Will I just go back? Will I not learn from these pleasant tattoos upon my soul??? I prepare for the season whilst my heart flutters desperately, urging me to listen to its flailing beats. Daily there I lived with too much purpose, too much worth, overflowing use. The cries of the helpless--their ceaseless need made me often unhinged, but without it I ached to know their necessity. Everyone around me seems to be moving forward on the right foot, but none of my shoes fit. This change, this evolution has left me stranded in a strange state. I wait by the roadside for the bus to the new world, but everyone keeps passing me by. I cannot live without it anymore--I have tasted purpose, being, selflessness, smiles, hugs, kisses, momentous occasions, miracles in tiny hands and feet. I cannot go back down the rabbit hole of unconsciousness...but where will I go...I fidget to stop the tears...where is the bus?

I'm BAAAAAACK

So by some freak chance I actually got on the plane on Saturday. I wasn't even going to go! We had all just gone to see The Blindside--which just hit SA--and i had thrown all my stuff in the back just in case we decided to swing by the airport. It was pretty much the worst packing job in history since it was the 3rd time that week. I hadn't taken a shower, applied make-up, or picked out my clothes especially for the plane....so of course i got on (all greasy and everything--so lovely!). When we arrived at the airport--maybe 30 mins before the gate closes--I meandered up to the check-in desk to check out the situation. The first thing that caught my eye was the lack of about 30 people milling about hoping to get on the plane. I thought maybe they had already told them to go home. I did see a girl I had seen 5 days previous trying to get on though. So she and I, her name was Kate, stand at the check-in desk and chat up the lady. It's all very casual, I don't really expect to get on, we laugh and joke, and then she says, "I decided a while back to let you guys on." My heart starts beating erradically, SERIOUSLY??? She's joking right? Kate and I both ask the same thing. I hadn't even packed my carry-on with care! I mean--whatever i couldn't get in my bag I just stuffed in! The lady at the gate--how I do adore her--hands us our tickets and says, "Go straight to the gate!" My hands are now shaking--my head is not processing this yet. I rapidly hand Hannah (my roommate in SA at DOH) my keys to the room and SA cell phone. "Ummm--goodbye then!" I say. I hug her and try to get all my stuff together. This is our 3rd trip to the airport together--it feels like a ritual we're breaking now--kinda sad actually!--no late night McDonalds together as I text to Beth, "didn't get on--see ya tomorrow!" I finally get all my stuff together and Kate and I run off gleefully into the hordes of security to make our plane. I jump into the fast-track, high class line (there's like MILLION people in the other and we won't make it if we wait behind them). They glare at me, but I don't care, cause I'M GOING HOME!!! I convince the dude in that line telling me to go back that I cannot go to the other line--my plane is LEAVING. He concedes, though I think he just does it cause it doesn't look like he has a choice, or maybe he just doesn't care anymore (it is 9 pm at night). Kate and I make it through SA Customs, Security, and more security, and finally get to the plane. She looks at our tickets--Are these first class???--she says. I say I don't like to think about it until we're there. They were first class--we were even sitting right beside each other! Her first trip in first class--she was SO PUMPED--me too obviously--and it was fun to show her what all the buttons did, get Mimosas together, and then check out the menu--yeah--on a plane, lol.

So now I'm home and awake in the wee hours of the morning. I awoke at 4:30 this morning, though I wrestled to stay in bed asleep, I finally gave up about 5:30. I walked around our apartment and wondered things like--why don't we have a small lamp i the living room? has our microwave always been black? do we have any coffee? Gotta say, it's an odd sensation to be home. Lying in bed listening to Dave's breathing was so comforting. Too bad he has to leave for 8 days this morning, but at least we're on the same continent, even the same country and state! :) As I write this i'm in my new pj's I got from my mom for Christmas. I forgot we left just after Christmas, it seems like ages ago! My dogs are cuddled up beside of me, sleeping on the couch....My babies would just be getting up from their naps now--Mr Whiney Pants is crying cause that's what he does, my Biggest Boy is smiling and getting into everything, Big D is always ready to eat....I wish I had cuddled them all just five minutes more, but it wouldn't have been enough.

not gone yet---here's the deal

When you’re flying standby, and the people behind the desk tell everyone (all standbys) to gather round, it’s not a good thing. Last night, after getting all ready to go home, we were told no non-revs (or standbys—people who don’t make them any money), were being allowed on the plane. After that, getting re-ticketed to try again tonight, we were told the seats were SOLD OUT for the rest of the month. I’m not sure how large a percentage the flights are allowed to be overbooked by, but whatever that is, those “seats” are sold too. It’s never good when you look up a flight known to exist and it doesn’t show up. Some people there had already been waiting 2 to 3 days and hadn’t gotten on yet because…. Delta is flying cargo—not people. That means, when there’s cargo weight that can be put on (people who bring too much and then have to pay dearly for it), they put the cargo on instead of the non-revs for the simple fact that it makes them money and we don’t. All understandable really, it’s what we signed up for—a cheap flight with no guarantees—but if they are going to do that for a week or more, they really should let people know!

So, I am number 20 on a list of 27 standby passengers to fly out tonight—with supposedly 40 seats available. However, that doesn’t include the cargo, so I guess we’ll so how it goes ☺. Right now the plan is as follows. First, try to get out tonight, God willing. Second, stay until the first week in April (around the 3rd or 4th), then fly out then when it looks better. Choosing this option would also allow me to see more of Africa, as I will have to vacate the country for a few days because I can’t stay longer than 90 days in one stretch. I will probably head to Swaziland for the weekend.

Last night I slept restlessly—as soon as I got back from the airport I immediately started looking up the prices for tickets to Raleigh, Atlanta, Charlotte, or Knoxville. The lowest I could find was around $1,000. I was so distressed! The lady next to me in line to change her flights said, “Honey you won’t get out this month like this. I tried for four days one time—if it’s sold out it’s not happening…Go to Paris—they have 10 flights out a day!” I looked at Paris by the way—it’s true—but it’s still not cheap. This morning the light looked better, though I still felt daunted by the task at hand and a little lost without Dave’s guidance and comfort. I looked for flights again this morning—nothing new (though if I wanna spend another $1,000 I can go home via Amsterdam and spend 21 hrs there—cool idea—not so cool price).

I wandered out of the room I am now sharing with my new friend Hannah, and Beth told me to get in the van, we were taking the kids to swim lessons. Normally I’m not allowed to be with the toddlers, new people make their lives more chaotic than necessary, but today she could see I was down and told me to “come on.” Watching them laugh and play in the water, splashing and kicking, it lifted my spirits. I came home and dug into the Word, needing some wisdom and comfort from my Savior. I finished reading Matthew (the crucificition of Christ, even though he was resurrected, didn’t lift my spirits well). Then I prayed that God would give me a passage that would comfort and guide me. I looked at the index and was drawn to Hebrews chapter 13. As soon as I started reading those words, tears fell from my eyes. Verses like, “BY NO MEANS SHALL I DESERT YOU, NOR IN ANY WAY SHALL I ABANDON YOU…THE LORD IS A HELPER TO ME, AND I WILL NOT FEAR…JESUS CHRIST IS THE SAME YESTERDAY AND TODAY AND INTO THE AGES” Came pouring from the pages. Oh how GOOD my God is! I praised Him for listening to my poor murmurings and flutterings of my heart and comforting my soul. As the Aunties constantly repeat, “God is good AL THE TIME…” and His mercies are new every morning.

So, no matter what happens tonight—if I go or stay here until April, I know my God is with me and He will comfort me. Maybe my work here is not done (though I didn’t appreciated it yesterday Catherine—I do today ☺ ). Thank you all SO dearly for your prayers—please DON’T STOP praying—especially for Door of Hope ministries. I don’t know what I would do without my family’s prayers. Also, a huge “thank you” goes out to my mom—as she took my biggest worry off my plate concerning what to do with out dogs. Mom, you are so gracious. I love you. PS—this doesn’t mean you have to keep the dogs till Easter ☺ Dave will call you and work it out.

A few of my fav. S. African things

 

Things I will miss when I return to the U.S. of A. (per request by Carey)

1, The sound of my babies' cries in the morning--I know that's an odd thing to miss--but I can tell each baby by their cry
2. Each and every one of my twelve babies--and those that have already been adopted
3. Big moments--ie first steps, smiles, solid foods, etc
4. Their laughter
5. My boy that I became especially fond of--Mr Whiney Pants--Beth pointed out I tend to attach to the whiney ones (I love an especially ornery baby last time as well)
6. Beth--my best friend
7. the sight of Dave holding a baby
8. the unique art work here
9. the warmth and sunshine of a S. African summer
10. the Aunties/Uncles I have come to love so dearly

A few of my favorite things

 

things in my dreams recently:

Foods I am looking forward to on my return—hint hint MOM—it was would be SO amazing if you had numbers 1-7 in the house for me even though you’re leaving for camping the next day ☺ (cause you’re just awesome like that!) :
1. Fruity Pebbles with regular tasting milk
2. grill cheese & tomato soup
3. chips
4. Dr Pepper
5. pancakes & syrup
6. eggs
7. cheese grits
8. BBQ from Log Cabin—and hush puppies too—OH—and a cherry lemon sundrop! OMGness!
9. Nutty Buddy bars
10. sushi!!!!!!!

Things Leigh should remember when she gets back in the U.S. of A.

1. if you pick a baby up by the arm (even if done correctly by grabbing them at the socket of their shoulder, which won’t pull the shoulder out or hurt them), people will think you are a bad person and you are hurting the child—don’t do it.
2. you are not allowed call down other people’s children in the supermarket—even though you had 12 that were not quite yours for 2 ½ months.
3. in turn you are not allowed to “smack them like a ho,” them being the mothers that are allowing their children to do whatever they want in the supermarket, even though it would probably help them greatly.
4. you should add those silly little words back into your sentences that make it easier to converse. They are often called determiners (a, an, and the), and common nouns. Though Aunties/Uncles understand you better without them, you are now going back to a mostly English speaking society.
5. just because they do it that way at Door of Hope baby house, doesn’t mean it’s the only way—and you don’t have kids of your own yet—so people don’t really respect your opinion on baby raising anyway—just nod and smile, nod and smile
6. do not eat pasta for a very long time as it has made up most of your diet while here. Convince people you need comfort food and they should cook it for you (pssst—I want oatmeal cookies, Chinese food, lots of veggies (not frozen), and pancakes, and waffles, obviously not in the same meal)
7. you love S. African coffee with chicory in it—make sure Beth brings some with her on her trip home, or seek out some in the States, though you shouldn’t hold your breath about it having the same level of amazingness.
8. Dave likes brown babies—figure out how you can get one ☺
9. Remember it’s possible to work long, 11 hr days, and still want to see the people the next week—especially if you can convince them to speak in cute gibberish, not drool or get sick on you, and never have to change their nappies
10. If God can do amazing things like get rid of HIV in small babies, he can change your life in dramatic, awe-inspiring ways, and even know the exact job that would bring you the desires of your heart—be patient—it may take longer than 3 months.

An Appeal to your beautiful souls:

I only have two more weeks here at Door of Hope (orphanage for abandoned babies), Dave leaves today, and what an adventure we have been able to experience. But as the two weeks comes to a close, so may one of the baby houses here. There are two baby houses (and also a toddler house), the one where I am, and baby house two. Baby house two is the most recent, and dearly needed, addition to Door of Hope. Since I have been here, even with this new additional house, we have turned away almost a dozen babies because we are full and cannot handle more with the resources we currently have. Door of Hope (DOH) has less than two months of running costs left in their accounts. As the economy here has turned to the excitement of the 2010 World Cup, so people’s minds and pockets have turned away from the financial state of DOH and houses like ours. Cutbacks have been announced to the local staff here—and positions that are quite needed, may cease to be. The Aunties and Uncles here have hit their knees in prayer for the cause of these little ones, we ask that you do the same. My prayer is that God will miraculously bless DOH in a way that gives all the glory to Him. Please pray this along with me. If you would like to donate to Door of Hope, please go to their website, holeinthewall.org.za, or contact me or Beth Maennle, and we will be glad to put you in touch with the right people. Thank you for you time and your diligent prayers. God Bless you.

Swim time!

The big 5---4 boys and a girl--they get everywhere and into all sorts of trouble, but they sure love the water!

 

ilias--(pronounced Elias)

My boy--he had to go to another home because we are full--but when they came to pick him up they were so in love with him. I know he will be well taken care of there--but i still miss that little old man face, even if i only got to hold him for such a short time.

 

hospital run

i took my first hospital run the other day. A boy in our special needs area stopped breathing, and Beth and I had to rush him to the hospital. this was my journal entry I wrote throughout the day as I sat by him in the ER:

My hand are shaking--having a hard time telling the difference between his heart beat and breaths--i need to focus--i ride in the back seat with a semi-conscious baby in my arms--i shake him often--violently--his breaths are shallow and far between--hazards flashing--car flying--getting nauseous is not an option. He stops breathing --i flip him over and beat him hard on his back--a small gasp--back over and shake him often when his eyes start to glass over. "Come on buddy--stay with me" We fly into the Er and Beth jumps out--he's not breathing again--she grabs him and runs into the hospital...

A few hours later I sit alone--same emergency room--he's breathing with oxygen now--the cries often slacken to a dull lambs bleat--he's hungry & isn't allowed to eat--being pricked with needles once again, he wails. "Just get it in this time" I want to yell! The drip line has come out & they've tried to put it back two different spots in his head and another in his tiny arm. I've only seen a couple official doctors since we arrived-mostly interns for the last while--once- while pricking him again for more tests--precious red drops spilled while they fumbled with the vials--laughing that they were glad their superiors weren't there at that moment--no gloves on--he screams on. A new shift surrounds him--STILL trying to get his drip line in--two different people have tried so far--supposedly the professionals--i want to cry with him--the nurses are abusing the last shift in mixed languages--they try again--he cries so hard he goes silent--it doesn't take...the boy is gonna look like a pincushion soon--almost 7 months and just a small thing--tears stream down my soul as his bleating rises with each pierce. "If you're squeamish you can wait outside," they say. I'm not leaving him. "I'm fine." After at least half a dozen tries...at last. Night shift comes and i'm relieved of my duty. Possible surgery for him the next day and probably more needles. I leave exhausted--I don't know how people do this day after day.