Goals & Blessings in 2012

I was reading a friend's blog today, and he was listing his goals for 2013.  I like that idea, and intend to pursue it, but I want to look back at 2012.  I want to make sure I truly recognize the goals I achieved, and blessings I received in the year that has passed.

Goals/Blessings:
1-Write in a public forum somehow.
This year, a friend of mine contacted me and asked me to write for her website, geared towards women of all ages, to encourage them in real, practical, Christian life.  My articles are about Dave and mine's decision to become parents, the mental process that we went through to get there, and the hardships along the way.  I am so excited to be a part of this project, and God's timing was perfect!  This writing has helped me continue to pursue my artistic desires, as well as learning and growing as a new mom!  If you want to take a look, the website is: theyouareproject.com

2-Become a mom.
It's funny as I think back over last year, my head almost skips it, and jumps back to 2011.  2011 seems like just yesterday, yet God has grown my heart in so many ways since then.  I was excited when I found out I was pregnant that year, but it took a good portion of 2012 for me to accept the idea of it.  God had to walk me by the hand through the fear I felt during my pregnancy, constantly reminding me He was with me & my baby, no matter what.  I had a hard time connecting with Fiona before she was born.  Even after the first trimester, I was scared to connect with her, because the pain of losing a baby was something I never wanted to feel again!  It was hard to "let go, and let God," heal my heart and prepare it for this new addition, while helping me continue to grieve my loss in a healthy way.  And yet he did!

3-Be pregnant.
Yes, I realize that goes kinda side-by-side with becoming a mom, but it's different.  One of the small reasons why Dave and I decided to have a baby, was so I could experience the joy of being pregnant!  It was one of the most amazing experiences I have had thus far!  It's kinda silly, but being pregnant, knowing there is literally another person growing inside you, it makes you feel a little invincible!  I felt like there was this shield over us--life we were protected somehow.  And I never felt alone.  I loved loved loved when I finally got to feel the baby move inside me, and then, later on, see her move.  I never got over that fantastic feeling--when my stomach gurgles now, I think back to that, and miss it a bit (though that does NOT mean I want to be pregnant again any time soon.  With pregnancy comes delivery--and I need YEARS to forget that, maybe longer, maybe forever).

4-Have girl friends.
I have made close friends in the past, but it has always been difficult for me.  I used to say, "Girls are just harder to befriend!" But I don't necessarily think that's true.  Guys are easier to become friends with more quickly, but not on a deeper level.  Girls, or women more precisely, take time and effort.  So really I think God may just be teaching me how to be patient, more transparent, and a little less lazy.  This past year I have become closer to some amazing women here at The Oaks, and I appreciate their friendship, and hold it dear to my heart.  I can "borrow" an onion or a cup of sugar, or just drop by for a cup of coffee.  I can cry (though I still don't like to) on their proverbial or literal shoulders, or make their day by giving them a few laughs.  In short, I can share my heart, and know it is safe.

5-Be a more involved sibling.
In 2011, through my miscarriage, and then the departure of my parents to the mission field, my siblings and I realized we may need to cling a little bit closer to each other.  In 2012, with having just become pregnant, and then later having a baby, I feel like I learned more intensely how much of a blessing family really is.  I have four siblings, so sometimes that's not easy to stay in touch with everyone.  It has always been easier for me to be closer to my sisters, which I think is normal.  Women like to talk, so we call each other often--sometimes FaceTiming too.  I do try to remember and contact my brothers, as they're not great at initiating that contact, but they're pretty good at returning a text, email, or call....eventually ;).  I made a point in the last year or so to try and be more open with my family--to share "me" even on my grungiest days, and ya know what?  They loved me anyway.

Well--that's 2012!  Onward and upward!  2013 is upon us--now go eat some nachos

Parenting = constant fear

Parenting seems to equal constant fear.  I mean, it can.  I struggle with it every day, and constantly have to pray, "God, give me your peace."  Fiona is truly sick for the first time, and everything is terrifying me.  She has a horrid cough that sounds like she's hacking up a lung, and I keep having these awful thoughts that she's going to choke on all the stuff in her sleep and suffocate!  I just prayed last night, "Lord, keep my baby safe, be with her, give her peace, make her comfortable, and give me peace Lord.  Show me what I can do to help her, and let me leave the rest in your hands."  Motherhood is scary.  If I dwelt on all the things that could happen to my precious baby every day I would be a nervous wreck!  Thank you Jesus that He guides my thoughts--otherwise I would have no hope!

Right now she is sleeping in her crib for her morning nap.  I googled different things last night to try and see what I could do to help her feel better--but I was already doing them.  Her mattress is slightly elevated at the head, there's humidifier in her room, and I'm putting saline drops in her nose and using the nose sucker.  I'm also nursing her whenever she feels like it to keep more fluids in her--and letting her rest and do things I wouldn't normally do, like watching TV (she seems to really like Dragon Tales--now that theme song is stuck in my head!).  I thanked God for giving me wisdom--though I never feel wise, but more like I'm barely balancing something that is going to crash down on my head any second.

An amazing thought I had while praying this morning was this--think about your children when they were in your womb.  If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, they were sharing a space with the Holy Spirit!  Now, theologically I know He is not physically in us--but isn't that a wonderful thought?  He created our bodies as mothers to be this nurturing, warm, and virtually perfectly safe place for our little ones to grow, so He is with them there!  And he doesn't abandon them when they enter this harsh world of germs and colds.  Even today, as Fiona seemed to be coughing in despair, when she was done with that coughing bout, looked up at me and gave me a brilliant smile!  God is with her even when she's not feeling her best, and letting her know she is loved and safe in His love.

Well, she will be up soon, and I need to get ready for her 6 month doctors visit this afternoon.  Poor Baba has to be poked and prodded while not feeling her best, but I will be there with cuddles and pacifiers to help her through it.

6 months and counting

Today is her six month birthday--where has that time gone?!  Two days ago, I tried to get her to take a nap on my chest just to get some cuddles in, but no more--she wanted her bed.  Just two months ago, should wouldn't nap anywhere else, and now if I want a cuddle she has to be half asleep.  I can still get in one or two from time to time, but she's a mover now--that's for sure.  I knew that cuddly stage wouldn't last for long, and I sure cherished each moment she gave me to just hold her close and smell her sweet head, but I do miss it a bit.  This new stage is an adventure too though.  I love seeing her rolling everywhere, reaching and grabbing all the toys around her, and starting to try and move forwards.  I put her in the Johnny Jumper the other day--she didn't jump, but she liked being able to touch the ground, and she made herself swing a little; I think she'll like it once she sees what she can do in it.  We weighed her the other night--she weighs about 15 lbs now.  She's our little chubba wubba--rolls everywhere.  For her six month birthday today, we're thinking about starting her out on carrots.  We tried cereal a couple months back, but she REALLY hated it, so we thought we'd just wait it out and start on the veggies when she turned six months old.  I'm excited to take some pictures with orange carrots all over the face--hope she likes them!

Well, she is sleeping right now, and last night wasn't a great night as the power went out and we had to pull her in bed with us to stay warm.  This resulted in not a whole lotta sleep for anyone.  To quote a friend, "I think a nap would look great on me right about now."  See ya later!

for fun: here's a pic of her eating cereal for the first time--doesn't she look thrilled?

New year

Well--it's 2013--have you gotten use to writing that yet?  I'm trying very hard to remember and write 2013 instead of 2012.  I think it's easier this year for some reason--dunno why.  I was looking at my blog today and realized I haven't posted since September--wow!  Well, I guess that's motherhood for you--though if you asked my father-n-law he would tell you I have time for everything I want to have time for, and I suppose that's true on some level.  When I have down time, I usually end up working on a column, finally getting to my daily cup of coffee, or just zoning out with a good TV show (sometimes it doesn't even have to be good).  But I want to get better at writing, and as I've been told, writing daily really helps with that.  So--my goal would be to write every day, but that doesn't necessarily mean blogging every day.  It could be working on a column or just journaling, but I am going to try and keep up with it.  This is the year!...hopefully :).

Baby girl will be 6 months old tomorrow!  It feels crazy to say that I have a six month old, but it's true!  She is squawking beside me right now as her daddy puts her pj's on (she really hates getting dressed).  We are going to start her on carrots tomorrow--that should make for some nice pictures.  She still has little hair--it's pretty much peach fuzz--but I do think it's going to be curly, and a bit red.  Yay!  I will leave you this evening with a picture I just took of her sitting on the couch with one of her toys.

Stationery card

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2 months of mama experience

Today was Fiona's 2 month check-up.  I was more than a little nervous about this visit, as our last visit, at 4 days old, was not so fun.  She had jaundice, and had been to the doctor every day since her birth--which means I had been to the doctor every day since delivering her.  I was walking barely faster than an old lady with a walker, my milk STILL hadn't come in, and Fi was ticked off.   She screamed most of the time, and I don't know HOW many nurses came to check and see what was up.  By the time Dave got us all back in the car, Fi and I were BOTH in tears.

So, today I was trepidated--I know, that's not a word, but I like the sound of it.  I had done my research on the shots she was supposed to get today, so I went in knowing what to expect from them, but not from Fi.  Sigh---it was a total relief.  She cooed and smiled, and made all the nurses fall in love with her.  She let the doctor look in her ears, weigh her, measure her, poke her tummy, everything--and didn't even cry.  Until the nurse held her down for her quick 3 shots, she was good as gold, and a little cuddling later, dried right up!  The doctor was so great at answering all my questions and concerns--I love our pediatrician!

Now I won't be so nervous about our 4 month visit--though I will probably still need to stop by Starbucks on the way :)

7 weeks

It has been seven weeks since my beautiful baby girl was born--I can't believe it!  It has changed me in so many ways.  One of the most fun is that I enjoy mornings with her.  Don't get me wrong, when I first wake up to her noises, I think, "Please--just one more hour," but when she turns on the charm, I can't help but be overwhelmed with happiness.

Mornings are Fiona's favorite time at the moment.  She is her happiest in the first hour or so of the morning.  She smiles and coos every time I talk to her--I will just melt the first time she laughs I'm sure. She giggled a little in her sleep the other afternoon--and tears sprang to my eyes immediately.  I've been trying to get her to laugh while awake, but no such luck yet.

She is currently snoozing in the swing, serenaded by classical music that came with it.  There were animal sounds at some point (it's borrowed), but they sound like a dying duck now--not quite sure why.  Classical music is supposed to make babies smarter right?  I doubt I would play it for her otherwise, since i'm not a huge fan myself, but since it's in her swing, she hears it all the time.  So, I guess I'm glad :), though the songs already run through my head, and I find myself humming --dum dum dum DUM di dum....

Well--the list of things I could do while she is asleep is racing around my head, so I'd better do something else before her morning snooze is up, or i won't get another chance for a few hours.  Here's a cute picture of morning Fiona to enjoy.

oops--too late--she is done with the swing

Things I will miss once you're here...

1. seeing my belly roll like the ocean waves
2. being physically connected to you
3. listening to your heartbeat inside me
4. feeling little feet under my ribcage
5. seeing you respond to my nudges with a nudge of your own
6. Dave cuddling around my belly to be close to you
7. knowing you're almost completely safe in there
8. strangers starting up conversations with me because of the baby bump

Soon, soon, soon

This morning I awoke at 5 am--the usual urge to relocate to the facilities yet again.  The sun was just starting to gleam weakly through the dark curtains in the bedroom, and the baby started to roll and tumble in my tummy.  It ached, and continued no matter which way I tossed about.  I wondered, "Is this it?" I knew however that I was just being frivolous with my thoughts, my excited hope for the soon soon soon.  Only yesterday I had been told I was closed tighter than a scared turtle, not in so many words mind you, but I hoped and wondered nonetheless.  Isn't it funny--the things we consider, allowing our minds to wander aimlessly, or it is just me that lets mine go off unchaperoned without a care in the world?  I used to spend hours laying out a perfect plan of execution for the uses of the money I would win from the lottery--the lottery I never bought a ticket for, and was too young to buy.  But the soon soon soon will not quit echoing in my heart, my head, my stomach.  I see little feet the size of my thumb as I throw the tennis balls to the dogs in the early morning.  I smell baby's head as I bake banana bread before the sprinklers turn on in the haze of sunrise.  I feel small fists curl around my finger as I turn on the coffee pot and make my favorite dark roast for breakfast.  It is not this morning, but it is soon, soon, soon...

Eucharisteo

I'm reading a book right now, mentioned in my previous post, called "One Thousand Gifts."  It's very good, and today I read about eucharisteo, or thanksgiving.  How we cannot truly be saved without thanksgiving in our hearts to God, in everything.  Humans were kicked out of the garden of Eden for not being thankful for what God had given them, for looking for more.  So to remedy that, we must be thankful in everything, and this can be traced through Jesus' life on earth as well.  We see that in the most extreme circumstances, he gives thanks to his father.  The chapter I read in the book today talked about how true joy, and living in this life with a purpose, comes from our willingness to give thanks to God for all things.  I was sitting here thinking, "how do I give thanks to God for a miscarriage, for disease, for death"; just saying "thank you God for my miscarriage" was very weird, and I asked God if I was doing it right.  I want to thank him in all things, because I know that he is a God of grace, love, joy, and thanksgiving, and he gives us power to partake in those things, but physically, verbally, emotionally, HOW do we do that.  I don't have an answer really, except to say, if I ask him how, I know he will show me, so I will just keep doing it until he has perfected it in me.  So today I say eucharisteo--thankgiving, chara--joy, charis--grace, and wonder if those should be my next tattoos, to constantly remind me that they are God's keys, his gifts, his way of salvation and way living it out and accepting it in our daily lives.

If Grace is an ocean we're all sinking...

Yesterday hit me about Saturday afternoon.  "Mother's Day is tomorrow," I thought...I want to hide.  At the first "happy mother's day," I wanted to turn and run.  Instead of dredge up a smile and say, "thank you," I wanted to say, "It should have been."  But having a big baby bump is not the way to be inconspicuous on Mother's Day--you get lots of "awww's" and "when are you due"s.  Last Mother's Day I announced we were going to have a baby to my Mom & Dad; I was so excited to tell them on this day.  I sent Mom a card that said something like, "Happy Grandmother's Day," and then penciled in "again."  She didn't get it at first--but then, I was told, she burst in to tears and gave me a call.  People always ask if this is my first, and I say 'yes,' but I want to say "No, we lost Grace."  But thankfully she was never lost, and I was never alone, and God gave me Grace, and more grace, to say, "You are enough God."  

I picked up a book a friend lent me, probably 8 months ago, off my book shelf today.  I don't even remember who's book it is, but I just needed a book to read along with my quiet time, and this one caught my eye.  It's called, "One Thousand Gifts," and it's about accepting grace after hurt, death, and hardship.  Amazing that I would pick it up today--one of the Spirit's blessings that he prompts our hearts with what we need at just the right moment.  

I am blessed and constantly awed to have this new little baby growing inside me, to feel it kick and move my whole belly, to watch my swollen stomach like the ocean, moving to and fro.  But I do not forget Grace, and all that God taught us, and brought us through.

We hadn't picked out the name Grace--or really any names at that point.  Honestly telling everyone I was pregnant that early would have been frowned upon by the doctor, a careless move to give out hope so early.  We lost her only 9 weeks in, and we told everyone right away.  We were so full of hope and giddiness, that we didn't want to wait--didn't see the need.  But I'm glad, in a sense, that we shared our news, because we were able to share our heartache too, and that allowed God to work His love more deeply into our lives because we couldn't hide what was ailing us, and our family and friends, new and old, surrounded us.  

I was sitting at Fire Circle one night during camp, I'm not sure what week it was, when this praise and worship song, "How He Loves Us," was played:

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful you are
And how great your afflictions for me

CHORUS: 

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

CHORUS

I thought about you
The day Stephen died
And you met me between my breaking
I know that I still love you God
Despite the agony
See people they want to tell me your cruel
But if Stephen could sing
He'd say its not true
Cause your good

After that song, I couldn't get the word "grace" out of my head.  I went home and talked to Dave about it, how I felt maybe we should call our little one Grace, and he agreed.  Because she was such grace to us, and God showed his grace through her, and through a million other ways in our lives.  And though it is still painful to think she would have been almost six months old today,  I know God's hands were on me, and her, and Dave, and though I don't know the why,  I don't need to.  For the first time in my life maybe, I don't need to know why.  I just need to know God.  "Because these afflictions are eclipsed by glory....and I'm drawn to redemption by the love in His eyes; if grace is an ocean we're all sinking...I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves me."

Prejudices

In general, I think all people are capable of all manner of harm, but hope for them to struggle against those negative thoughts/actions/yearnings, and constantly improve on their failings.  I believe that it is extremely improbable, if not impossible, for a person to be unprejudiced.  Some may say I am using the word "prejudice" in the place of "bias," but I feel that "prejudice" IS "bias" with negative emotion attached, and therefore it works for my explanation at this point.  We so often think of prejudice in only the extreme forms--racism, religious extremism, bullying, hate crimes, etc, but we miss the ones that affect our every day actions.  The outgoing vs. the introvert, skinny vs. fat, curly hair vs. straight hair, loud vs. quiet, open-minded vs. close-minded, Christian vs. non, American vs. non, Republican vs. Democrat, Northern vs. Southern, upper-class vs. working-class, mine vs. yours, these are some of the things that control the way we do things.  Having a prejudice is always a bad thing; whereas having a bias is just a fact of life.  For example, if we have had a good experience with family, we are generally biased that our spouse is the best, that our children are the most beautiful babies, and where we lived as a child was the greatest childhood experience we could have had.  It is turning those biases into prejudices where we fall short.  If we use our bias that our child was the most beautiful baby to bash other people's babies, then our bias becomes a prejudice.  I have curly hair, am a Republican, and was home schooled; two of those things I rarely share with others for fear of being looked down upon or criticized.  However, I am also prejudiced against home schoolers--for the most part I assume home schoolers are under-socialized, poor communicators, wear weird clothes, are a bit on the odd side, and have too large of families.  I'm also prejudiced against most Republicans, because it seems to me they pick one thing to vote on or get up on their soap box about, and then ignore everything else.  On the flip side, staunch Democrats annoy me because they have literally gotten up in my face, and yelled at my "poor" decision making when it comes to the present decisions of the U.S. President I elected four years ago. (Maybe I should change to being an Independent.)  However I struggle against these prejudices because I know that they are not positive aspects of my life; they do no allow me to interact with more people in a positive way, have meaningful conversations, share common interests, or see from another point of view without altering my own beliefs.  The question I'd like to put forth to you is this: are you willing to admit that your every day, or possibly even deep seeded prejudices are real, and will you struggle against them?  I will always have prejudices, new ones that pop up with new experiences, but I pray that I will always struggle against them, to put old prejudices behind me, and push with love towards the new ones I will encounter.

Praying for His Spirit

A couple of years ago, and a couple of weeks forward in March, I wrote a blog about how I felt returning from South Africa after working in the orphanage.  I was reminded of that post, called Eustace, today when I was reading in "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, about how the Spirit works in us.  Chan talks about how it is often a painful process of transformation that we must go through before we become what He wants us to be.  I am also reminded of what I wrote today because of the ministry we were able to interact with in Mexico on our vacation, and the many things I've been reading, and God has been teaching me in the last few weeks.  I feel a yearning to be a soldier for Him, to war against myself, putting my ego, self-esteem, personality traits, useless hungerings at His feet--laying myself down to become nothing of myself and more of Him.  The couple we met in Mexico, Gena and Andrew, run a coffee shop called El Buho (the owl) in a little town called Hidalgo (yes, like the horse movie).  They are missionaries there, the same age as Dave and I, and have just had their first son six months ago.  Their coffee shop ministers mainly to the international climbing scene (as that's why people go to Hidalgo if their not from there), and the money is used to help build Christian schools in the area.  They work in a local church with the youth group as well, plus Gena teaches at the Christian middle school, and they are helping to try and build a local library too!  They inspire me--sparking a hunger Christ has been building in me for some time now--a hunger to step OUT of my comfort zones, to be used greatly and deeply by Him.  I know that the purpose of this hunger is not to make me discontent with my surroundings, but to push me to greater sacrifice of who I am, and what I want with my life, and what exactly that means.  I want to know God's will, regardless of where or to whom it takes me.  Pray that I do exactly that--and stay open to His leadings.

Excitement

This week is an exciting week.  Today, Dave and I go to a new parent's meeting at the doctor's office.  Hoping we get to meet some other new parents, and find out what their experiences have been, and what prenatal classes they plan on taking.  Tomorrow I get to see Wicked, the musical, for the first time!!! I'm super excited about that!  Dave bought me tickets for Christmas, and we're going to make a big date night out of it.  I'm dressing up, since I rarely get to do that, and we're going out to eat Thai food before that (I've been craving it lately).  We've also been looking at baby changing tables/drawer combos.  Here's a  changing table we really like from craige's list in Burbank.  If it works out we're hoping to stop by and take a look at it tomorrow night. Sunday I leave for the Oak's Women's Retreat, down in Ventura at the beach house owned by ministry.  I've been asked to lead a Bible study session, which I'm pretty nervous about, but again, excited.  Also, Venture is right on the beach, so I'm hoping it's warm enough to at least sit on the beach for a bit and relax.  And the city has GREAT thrift stores, so definitely want to check out those with some of the ladies from here that know the place really well.  Anyway--that's about it!  Just wanted to fill you in on some excitement in my life.  

A longed for moment

This last Monday, January 10th, something happened I had been waiting for for a long time--I got to hear a heartbeat.  Ever since last July, when the time came and went when we should have been able to hear our little Grace's heartbeat, I have ached to hear that sound coming from my own belly.  Every doctor's appointment at the OB, I would hear that sound emanating from other patient's rooms, and I would wonder if that time would come for me.  Even after we were able to conceive again, with the complications we had over these last few months, I never fully allowed myself to believe that we would be allowed to hear it.  I've often spoken of how I felt about my miscarriage as a loss of innocence; like the first time a child realizes his parents aren't immortal, all-protecting beings.  I lost the ability to hope, and am still struggling to get it back.  I read a blog recently, passed on to me by a friend, that spoke of this feeling with complete clarity by another mom who has had the same experience.  After hearing that heartbeat, I cried tears of relief and joy into Dave's arms.  And yet, I don't feel pregnant.  I know that sounds weird, and I see this bump growing on my belly, and I talk about it with friends, but I don't know how to feel!  I'm not sad or depressed, but I just haven't connected with this little one.  I've read books that say this is normal, but I don't want it to be normal; I want to be uncontrollably happy for this baby growing inside me, for the future of our family, for this hope.  I mourn the loss of this innocence, but don't we all?  There are points in our lives when we lose something so dear to us, and we come to a crossroads we don't know how to continue through.  And it is at those times, if we allow him to, that God comes and leads us through it.  I pray I will start actively getting know this little one inside me; talking to it more, and worrying about it less, but for right now, I'm content to know that God is doing that for me.  He is guiding my heart, and the baby's heart, and he will connect them when mine is ready.  I do look forward to that day we will meet him or her, and I know, if not before, I will then be forever bonded to this little heartbeat within me.

Dave's birthday reel

Climbing at Stoney Point

                                                              Sunbathing on the beach

                                                       walking Santa Monica Blvd

tree + sunset

                                                                beautiful sunset

                                                          Birthday cheesecake (Sylvia's lemon
                                                    cheesecake recipe turned out great!)

2011 Reflection

As my Christmas tree still twinkles in the background, it feels like any other day in the last weeks of 2011, except it's not.  Today is January 3rd, it's 65 and sunny here in Cali, and I should probably go check on my neighbor's flowers that I'm supposed to be watering...and get her mail too (I should have mentioned to her I have a black thumb when it comes to plants; I'm just hoping they'll all LOOK like they are still alive until a few days after she returns...that being tomorrow).

Yesterday was Dave's birthday.  We went to his favorite bouldering place, Stoney Point, just outside of Simi Valley, and then on to Santa Monica beach--somewhere he hadn't been yet, but is a new favorite of mine.  We sat on the beach, people watched, strolled through the shopping district, and watched a magnificent sunrise....and not once did I think, "I should have been a Mom by now."  God is so merciful, gracious, good, and kind is He not?  He allows us to mourn deeply, but also to have joy in the beautiful moments of our lives.

This year has been such a fantastic year for learning, growing, loving, and overcoming.  A job that Dave was very passionate about, with colleagues and kids he grew to love dearly, ceased to exist, while another one grew up in its place.  I finished my first year of teaching, and realized, though I still maintain middle schoolers are an alien race, that they have such amazing personalities, ambitions, courage, and ofttimes hurt and anger, but that they gave me quite a bit of joy.  We found out we were expecting our first child, and were extremely delighted, frightened, and excited for the next part of our adventures to begin...and begin they did.

In May Dave moved out to California, and started his new job as the Adventure Director for The Oaks Camp and Conference Center, while I finished up my school year teaching.  He trained his new staff, I figured out we owned a lot of stuff we never used, and possibly never have.

On June 27th, my older sister, Shannon, and my younger sister, Bethany, and I, set out on an across the country road trip to my new home.  We packed my little Fit to the brim, donned our sunglasses, and headed for Memphis!  The bbq was divine, and the Elvis statue was closer than we thought, though the creepy guy that managed the camp ground gave is the heebie-jeebies.  The next day we got up, and drove through a deluge in Arkansas, where we saw no less than 6 airplane wings on the back of semis (do they make them there?), and finally arrived in Hot Springs, AK, at a famous bathing house, to get hot springs baths and massages.  It was my birthday, and the day I started bleeding.  I didn't tell them until half-way through lunch, and we decided to go to the hospital.  That's where I learned Bethany can be fiercely protective, especially with mean nurses, and Shannon will take control when you can't bare the thought of trying to think.  And that four sister's arms to hold you up when the world comes crashing down, when no heartbeat appears, when tears turn to crushing sobs, are exactly what you need.

The next morning my sisters asked me if I wanted to drive straight to California, and I said no, I wanted that time with them, and the memories of that road trip, and I'm so glad I did!  That road trip from North Carolina, to Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, and finally California, changed my life.  We saw the Cadillac Ranch in Texas, the amazing canyon and star strewn New Mexico, the beautiful Grand Canyon in Arizona, and the massive Hoover Dam in Nevada.
 I learned that Bethany can sleep anywhere, Shannon gets up much earlier than I prefer, and no one likes my music.  I also learned it is quite easy to get lost with three people that have no sense of direction, even though we had a perfectly good GPS, and a road map, that Texas is WAAAY too hot for me, that jumping into a freezing cold lake with your two sisters while  onlooking fishermen laugh at you in the middle of New Mexico is quite invigorating, that Shannon will never be by my side as I look over the canyon edge, or I will be carrying her for the rest of the day, that the Hoover Dam is in fact in Nevada (though we didn't even know till that afternoon we were driving over it), that Vegas isn't that great--but the Belagio fountain is pretty cool, and that the tattoo artist we used in California is much better with tattoos than he looks--which is good, cause they're permanent.  Overall, I learned my sisters are my biggest allies, my husband is the strongest man that I will ever hold in my arms, and my God is enough, no matter what.

When I got here, an amazing group of new friends appeared out of the woodwork.  I found a new movie buddy (he laughs at all the hilarious parts and Dave just rolls his eyes at us--it works out).  Four amazing women befriended me (I still remember sitting in Olive Garden and thinking how awesome it was to live right beside them, and know they would keep me in their hearts).  Silly summer staff invited us into their fun adventures, and one even let Dave shave his head--good thing too, as using a regular razor on his head was not looking promising.  Families invited us into their lives--Mike always laughs at my short jokes, and follows them up with some of his own.  And friends back in North Carolina sent us tons of messages--letting us know we were loved no matter where we were.

As my parents moved to Papua New Guinea to start their missions work, my family drew closer together; calling, texting, and sending funny cards to let each other know, even though Mom and Dad were not around, that our family was important, and would always be there.  Mom and Dad found out they were stronger than they ever knew, and they could build relationships even when language was a barrier.  And we found out distance was no measure of love or relationship.

This year was a growing year----and I hope I'll grow twice as much this year, and in the years to come.

The Nelson's 1st Christmas

This is our first Christmas weekend just the two of us.  I do miss being with family, but I also have truly enjoyed the time, just Dave and I.  Today, on Christmas Eve, I got up, and made breakfast for the two of us--"eggy in a basket" (a piece of toast with a hole cut in the middle, then fried an egg in the hole and toasted on both sides) and grits.  It turned out pretty good, even though Dave usually makes that meal.  After a relaxed morning, we had soup for lunch (we both still have a bit of a cold), and then took a nap.  Then we took the dogs for a nice long walk along the Northwestern loop trail, and let them run.  It was beautiful up there.  You gain enough elevation to look down over camp during some parts, and on others, you look down over the valley on the other side.  It was perfect to walk and talk together.  Then we came back and had some tea.  Now Dave and the dogs are taking nap #2, while I sit on the couch in front of the roaring fire in the wood stove, lights twinkling on the Christmas tree, and write.  In a little while we're going to head out to the small presbyterian church here in our little town, and go to the candlelight service there.  I always enjoy going to Grandmama's church for their Christmas Eve service, as well as Mervyn and Sylvia's church for the midnight Christmas Eve service.  Hopefully this one will be just as good.  Only half the Christmas weekend is over, and it has already been so wonderful.  I am truly blessed to have this time to spend with Dave, knowing my family across the States, and the ocean, love us, and are just a phone call or Skype conversations away.  We love you all dearly.  Merry Christmas.

Green

I find it quite amazing that things grow here so easily.  And if you have been to Southern California, you probably think I'm crazy, but let me banter a bit.  This is a desolate land for the most part.  There is always dust and sand everywhere.  Scrub bushes and ruddy trees (call Scrub Oak) dot the landscape.  Pine trees are the tallest and largest trees here.... But when the weather turns cooler, and it rains for days, the ground comes alive!  Just outside our house there is a path to the Leap of Faith high ropes element, and further on, the swing set, and soccer/baseball fields.  At the beginning of that path, little shoots of grass have started coming up, of their own accord!  Grass doesn't grow here, by itself, without being unnaturally watered, unless it is raining (which only happens in the fall and winter I am told).  The ground just soaks up every little bit, and throws out grass, flowers, and sprigs of small plants that have been just waiting for moisture.  It's fun to see the transition of the land.  To enjoy a cloudy night sky, cold wind, and a hot seat by the wood stove.  God is teaching me to love this place, but I still miss you.

Flightless Hope

Emily Dickenson famously said, “Hope is the thing with feathers,” but all feathers do not fly. 

Ostriches have feathers—watchful, proud, strong, fearless, violent creatures.   Often hope must be fearless, and violently protective to survive; it must snap at the first hint of threat.  It must run so swiftly with the wind, that flight seems possible, to endure the times the wind is silent, and the howls come only from the soul.  It must puff itself up to look regal, in stunning black and white, to stare down its beak with such a fierce look as to silence the pity that the eagle and the dove so quickly bestow.  The eye says—you will not make me your pawn; fly as high as you wish, I can break you with one clip of my mighty legs, one swipe of my angry beak.  Your pity is not welcome here—do not be so bold as to grieve for me in embrace.  For an embrace will surely mean death, to your throat and my grit. For valor I have, but restraint I can only contain for a while. 

The dove is meek and mild in her approach, and while she tries to empathize, her tears only incite her own comforting, and strength is expended, the little store wasted on one who is not the flightless party.

The kingly, majestic eagle looks down its nib as only a royal would do.  Knowing it may be no match for the ostrich’s strength, but the ostrich will never keep its young on a cliff, miles above all its prey.  It also pities the ostrich for its perilous young, stranded on the earth, with only its weak courage to protect them.  The eagle is cool and collected, knowing the ostrich has much to favor, and envy, but never saying so, as that would give way to maliciousness and cruelty.  It inclines its head in the ostrich’s direction, and nods its crown in respect to the weaker fowl.

The penguin is not commonly thought of as a feathery familiar, but it is.  It oft is overlooked for its merits as a bird—only thought of adoringly, with childlike virginity and wholesomeness.  It mates for life—a well-known, repetitively spoken fact.  But feathery friend or foe, the details bereft of this get foggy.  Their penguin suit is likened to formal wear, as these beasts of great character rightly deserve.  They know community like no sanctuary has ever seen—fishing with grace, diving with beauty, surrounded by peers and family alike.  The males dance in unison, wooing their females, laying claim to their young’s refuge and nest.  The penguin is not afraid to display himself foolishly for his love. For all this the penguin is the only one who really “gets” the ostrich.  No feathers, no flight, no soaring above the heights—but great courage is often shown in the differences between honor and ego.  And for that, if the penguin could, or ever would, the ostrich just might allow the smallest embrace, enfolded in the penguin’s chivalrous bosom, and let his tears of hope flow freely.  Because the hope of a penguin, and of an ostrich, is much smaller, and therefore a hardier substance.  The smallness of it often seems to disappear altogether—but it still exists, in a still small form that ebbs and flows with the tide.

If ______, Then___________.

This week’s Women’s Bible study, on Esther, was extremely powerful for me.  It challenged how most of the way that I live is based on fear.  Fear of failure, loss, hurt, success, or fear itself.  A few years ago I had night terrors on a regular basis.  I had them when I was younger, and was never able to tell anyone about them, because what I dreamed was so vivid and evil.  I guess I thought if I told anyone about what I dreamed, that would reflect on me somehow, or it would say that I was a bad person.  These night terrors were awful—the worst fear I have ever felt.  I would be immobilized by my fear; paralyzed in every sense of the word.  My whole body would be drenched in sweat, and I literally could not move a muscle, usually not even to wake Dave.  The dreams were usually about someone being in my house, about safety of myself and other family members.  I remember the dream I had when I was young very clearly; to this day I remember it to a T.  I had it over and over again for years.  It always involved my mom and I getting hunted down, sometimes by the betrayal of a friend. 

The Bible study today focused on the question, “What if fear was not involved in your decision making process.”  I immediately thought, “I would write more, read more, befriend more, put myself out there more, serve more, spend less time on appearances,” and on and on.  The Bible study leader said to do this fill in the blank.  If______, then_______.  We are supposed to fill in the first blank with one of our worst fears, and the second with what would happen to us, or what we would do, if that were realized.  This last week the devil has been trying to fill me with fear over my dad having malaria.  The devil seemed to whisper, “He may die, you may never see him again, he will never meet any of your future children!”  So this is the blank I chose to fill in, and it would go something like this.

            If my dad dies in Papua New Guinea, then my mom will fall apart.  I will fall apart.  My sisters and brothers will fall apart.  We will have to live in world where my father no longer exists. Where he was SUPPOSED to live to 80 something. He will never meet my children—he, the man who loves babies, will never tell him/her about how (s)he is a better swimmer/climber/bicycler/writer/math student             than his/her mother. He will never take them camping, or teach them to tell direction by the movement of the sun.  He won’t bend down on one knee in front of them and say, in his kind voice, “Ohhh, that’s ok,” when something of his gets broken, because he doesn’t care about things.  I will never hear my Daddy laugh again; he will never take my arm in his, he will never skip embarrassingly through             the grocery store park in lot with me holding his hand.  I will fall apart….and then I will slowly start to heal, piece by piece.  I will remember….the good times—when he took me on camping trips, taught me how to set up a tent, build a fire, rappel, hike, tried to teach me a sense of direction-and how to read a map, taught me to choose a man by his character.  I will remember him playing capture the flag with water guns on my 16^th birthday, and the speech he gave when I graduated high school, and his arm in mine as I walked down the isle on my wedding day—three events my friend Jenny did not get to experience with her dad.  And I will thank God profusely for allowing me to have a father that raised             me to love God, and who loved God himself, and ALL he wanted for his children, and THEIR children, was for them to do the same. 

And then fear is gone, and courage is in its place.  Because I know that “If______, then God .”  Because, as each challenge arises, our heavenly father is there, taking our hand, and heart in his, and giving us new strength and will that are not ours but his.  He will be there with courage to spare.  2 Tim. 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.”

missing leaves

A fav. photo of Island Park back in Bryson during the Fall

Mamma

Missin my Mamma today--wondering if she would like the writing I've been doing lately, if it would make her laugh.   Wondering if she would stare at the pile of dishes on my counter, or roll her eyes at the fact that the clothes I washed three days ago are still in the dryer--dry.  Thinking this is the time of year they usually go camping, and wondering if she's thinking of cooler days around a campfire.  I know we would share a laugh over the fact that half the plants I bought a few months ago are already dead--but that having half still alive is still a pretty big deal.  I wish I could call her up, and just chat about the weather, making friends, and how everyone is doing at home.  I miss you Mamma; can't wait to talk soon.

YOU are enough

Lord, You are enough, when the tears rain down like icebergs melting in May. Lord, You are enough, when our wishes we will, aren't Your will, that day.  Lord, You are enough, when all seems lost.  Lord, You are enough, when it is the greatest of costs.  Lord, You are enough, when we only have the strength to whisper Your name.  Lord, You are enough when if feels as if nothing will ever be the same.  Lord, You are enough, when my throat burns with tears unshed.  Lord, You are enough, when the healing words go unsaid.  Lord, You are enough, when the sun basks on my skin.  Lord, You are enough, when fears creep in.  Lord, You are enough, when my day falls neatly into place, and You are enough, when piles of dishes are too vast to face.  Lord, You are enough, when my friendships are faithful, and You are enough, when they turn hateful.  Lord, You were enough for my darkest hour, and I thank you for making the words, "You are enough," lift my soul from its cower.

LN

The Girl with the Traveling Tattoo

That is the title of the parody Dave thinks I should write on the books "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" and" The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."  Who knows, it could be amusing.  I have been writing a lot as of late, but not fiction.  The work I'm writing with a vengeance at the moment is much more personal, and I'm not sure it will ever see the light of day, but it feels good to write with a purpose.  I've been reading so much lately, all fiction, and loving it, but I'm not sure what I would write if I wrote fiction.  I don't really care about creating stories so much as reading them.  I love getting lost in their intricate lives and stories.  I just finished reading The Hunger Games, and if you want to get truly taken away in a story, you should sit down to read that one.  Just know you're not going to be able to think about anything else until you finish all three.  I realize that's not a convenience most people, especially people with kids, can afford, but give yourself an hour a day and jump in.  You won't be disappointed.  Well, I guess this post is just to say, "I've been writing," which lots of you have encouraged me to do, so there you have it.

Now that I think about it--the title of this blog could be a autobiography.....hmmmm.

Pine needles

I cannot walk through a pine forest and fail to be transported immediately back to my ten year old self, racing through the woods beside siblings on the way to Mame and Pop's house at Lake Norman, trying to beat my parents driving around by the road.  It is my most pungent memory--my strongest most fragrant reminder of sunset dinners on the boat, playing with old Legos, a random phone in a box nailed to a pine tree, being made to wear a swim belt even in shallow water, and swinging too high (and getting scolded for it) on the sunroom swing.  The smell of pine needles brings back all these things--even in the midst of a walk in Yosemite, I am reminded.

gratuitous tears

Sometimes I feel myself start to tear up, and I don't know why I'm crying...and then I remember my heart is still tender, and baby bumps and wee sleepy snuggles come to mind. I stare openly and unashamed at the cute ones that gurgle and bounce on a daddy's knee at dinner, or trundling tots as they adventure off on their own, maneuvering endless legs and tables that reach to the heavens. I feel I have no right to these tears--as travesties of vast proportions have wrecked the world, and all I have is a one-time empty womb, and hope for a future time... A dear friend once told me, she never overlooks others' pain, no matter how tiny it seems to some, and I hope I am so gracious--I strive to be so gracious..."God make my heart bigger, not smaller"

Snapshots of Colorado fun

So a couple of weeks ago we went to Colorado for a wedding. I FINALLY got to be a Best Man in a wedding (it was on my bucket list)! My long time friend, Sean Macha, and his beautiful bride, Anuschka, got married above a huge gorge with amazing views. We also got to go whitewater body boarding with them, and I got a ride on Sean's motorcycle :). On the way back to the airport in Denver, we stopped by Garden of the Gods, which we will DEFINITELY return to with gear to play! So here are a few snapshots of the fun times and beautiful scenery.

A few niceties go a LONG way

Today I had to call my medical insurance--BlueCross BlueShield--about some claims back in June and early July when all the sadness happened. It consisted of three different days of medical visits in two different states. The medical bills have really been stressing me out, considering I haven't ever had bills like these before, for thousands of dollars, but my insurance lady put me much more at ease. She was so kind and patient, going through each claim, how much the total was, and how much we are responsible for. She helped me categorize each date by how many claims for that day, so I know what to expect to get in the mail from the respective medical facilities. Though, in general, I think insurance companies get the better end of the deal on these things, and the system still needs A WHOLE LOTTA WORK, the woman I spoke to made a huge weight fall off my shoulders, just by helping me understand more, and feel more in control of the situation. It was a rather lovely experience!

Clash of the titans..errr...dislike of rules i don't agree with

I went to a training for substitute teaching today for a Christian school in the area. I agreed with pretty much everything they stood for, and the outcome of the knowledge and education the students graduate with. Many of the graduating students from this school have ended up in ivy league colleges, or top military schools or positions--I was impressed! There's just this one thing--I have to cover up all my tattoos. I know I know--most of you would say--"I told you so," or "Yep, that's why professional jobs and tattoos don't go together," but let me state my case. Firstly, with my brief experience with Californians, I have never seen this many people, of ALL walks of life and job statuses, with more tattoos--and BIG ones--before in my life. Using that point, I would say this rule would mean a lot of people have to cover up tattoos. Secondly, they recommended that it be covered up by clothing, or a bandage of some kind. Isn't a child going to be MORE curious about the tattoo, and MORE distracted by a person wearing an Ace bandage on their arm/leg all day, every day, than by the tattoo itself (obviously if the tattoo is inappropriate, this is not applicable)? Thirdly, I strongly believe that you should be the person you are all the time--meaning--don't swear at certain times in front of certain people, and not in front of others (for those of you that know me, know I am working on this in my own life too), or drink in front of certain people, and not others (again, this doesn't apply to drinking with someone you know will be tempted to drink too much, or hurting them emotionally). Stop the duplicity!!! Be the person God created you to be ALL. THE. TIME. Lastly, what is the rule accomplishing; because if it is not accomplishing something to the glory of God, then why would a Christian school make the rule (to make the parents/tuition payers happy? Because it's an old rule? etc.)? A rule that says, "You must cover all profane, lewd, or inappropriate tattoos" would be sufficient (allowing the principle to decide if something was "appropriate" in a disagreement). O.k. I'm done. I haven't ranted on here in quite awhile; feels kinda good ;). Don't worry; I won't get use to this.

sweet wee breath

I got to put a four year old up our Leap of Faith pole today. Today was my first official day working for The Oaks as one of Dave's hourly staff. I got to run the Leap of Faith with him all afternoon! All the adults had gone off already, and I walked up and asked little D if he wanted to go.

His mom: He can?!
me: Sure! We have just the harness to fit!
me to D: You want to go?
D: --big grin and nod--

He was SO excited! His little legs were quite long enough to make all the steps, so I climbed up a bit behind him to give him extra footholds with my hands. He only went half way, but that huge grin never left his face, and he loved swinging down the best! Makes me miss working with kids for sure. I'm most of the way through my application for the local school so I can substitute, and I think I'm going to go find out how I can volunteer at The Painted Turtle this week--I need some more "smile" energy, and I'm pretty sure those kids could fill me up! I also put in a application with the local pub and restaurant called The Rock. I kinda hope I get a job there, just to learn the locals; it's a kooky, fun kind of place.

Well, I'm headed home to take the dogs for an evening walk and set up our guest bedroom for a co-workers gf for night. TTYS

Things

Things I no longer take for granted:

*grass--there is only grass where the sprinklers water touches--otherwise it's sand/dirt
*big, tall, shady trees--there are several of these around my house, and I'm so thankful for them!!!
*rain--if it rains before November, it's always a surprise, so far it has rained once since Dave arrived here mid-May, and thankfully I got to be here for that one!)
*internet--internet was easier to get in S. Africa--here I have to walk/bike to Dave's office to get it, hopefully Verizon will grace us with its presence very soon.
*cell phone coverage--in case you have tried to call me here, I don't get cell reception except in a few select places (when the wind is not blowing and I am facing the correct direction). So--text me first, then I'll find a spot to talk to you (though I may have to run to the soccer field to do so)
*electric stove--ours is gas--which still totally freaks me out! I'm still afraid i'm going to blow up the house

Things I am so excited to have here!!!

*a washer and dryer!!!! (I HAVE NEVER HAD ONE IN MY HOUSE!!!)
*a bathtub--it is SO nice to shave my legs and NOT hit my head on the adjoining wall
*neighbors I can pop in on daily--or join on the playground with their kids (I have never known my neighbors very well--maybe because most of them were seasonal renters, but it is SO nice to enjoy my neighbors and their great kids, AND wonderful hospitality!)
*Barnes & Noble, Trader Joe's, Target, Olive Garden, $2 movies, etc---Palmdale is TWENTY MINUTES away, and has ALL THESE THINGS, plus MORE! It's so awesome!!!!

Prayer things:
*(me) Need to find a purpose driven thing for me--a part-time job, volunteer work, SOMETHING--i'm going a little stir crazy
*(dave) Support at he plays "catch-up" for these past few months as he's still new to his job, and there's always something else to do or plan (ah the camp life)

We love you all!!!

beginnings

I'm sitting in Dave's office getting internet this morning (well, it's morning here for 3 more minutes--which means it will probably be afternoon by the time I finish), as I don't have internet, or for that matter, cell phone coverage, at the house. The house is pretty much unpacked, except for the spare room/office/whatever that becomes. The paint colors aren't my favorite, but they are manageable for now, and after summer camp ends and things settle down here, then maybe we will get to pick out some nicer colors.

We've decided to theme our house a sort of bohemia feel, I guess that means eclectic? Patterns everywhere basically. At first, we had two couches with different patterns, one we bought and a super comfy one that just showed up, and I didn't like it. But then, just for fun, we threw down our rug of a different pattern, and some throw pillows ALSO with different patters, and I kinda fell in love with it! Dave loves it of course :). He said this is exactly how he always wanted his house to look. I'm sure Grandmama would say it looks more like "early basement, late attic" in style, lol, but it's us. Now if we can just get the boxes taken away, the pictures hung, and the house cleaned, we will be good.

I think my chances of finding full time teaching this year are slim to none, and i have to say i am more than o.k. with that. I am pursuing being a regular substitute this year at the local schools, and then trying to get in more full time next year. I do need SOMETHING to keep me focused, and I want to learn more about the community center up the road, and see if they have a volunteer tutoring program. There's also this camp, called The Painted Turtle, that I am interested in as well. It's funny because after high school I was very interested in working at the camp Kyle Petter helped with, Victory Junction, that works with kids that have disabilities and special needs. The Painted Turtle is literally 3 minutes away, and is one of the string of camps associated Victory Junction spread across the U.S. So, there are lots of things to explore this fall. I do feel a bit guilty for not pursuing a full time teaching position more heartily, ok at all, but I don't know why. I guess I just feel I should be monitarily inputing into our family more, since I won't be having a baby this school year.

Well, lunch is soon, and I should walk the dogs back to the house. Two camp kids just scootered by the window towards the dining hall, so I guess I should head that way too. I have a coffee date with a friend this afternoon during her boys' nap time that I am very excited about. Now I just need to unload a few boxes before then!

a reappearance

I didn't want to talk to anyone--but I clung to Bethany and Shannon. That's how I felt that day--I wanted to shut everything down and disappear. And I did to some extent--I didn't tell anyone except for immediate family--and Bethany and Shannon were the ones that called them all--I couldn't do it--I couldn't hear the sadness in their voices or hear their tears. I needed to shut down to preserve what was left of the joy in my life at that moment. And that's how I went on with the roadtrip. I needed to make new memories of that week, to fall in a different kind of love with my sisters, and have a time we can always look back on, a time that was not completely overshadowed by grief.

I texted and FB-ed about our loss last week, and didn't reply to many texts or calls from anyone--but the words from you all meant the world to us. I'm slowly opening back up, and am able to talk about it a bit, though still not without tears quite often, so if you call and I start to cry, and you are a bit scared (considering I really hate to cry in front of people, whether on the phone or not), know I can't help it anymore, they just seem to pour out of me at random moments.

Our stuff arrived Friday, and seeing the baby things was really difficult. I didn't think I would want to go through the boxes, but I did--I wanted to see it all and remember how excited we were. And something else happened too; the love from all the people those things came from poured out on us. Seeing the shoes, the cute onesies, the New Daddy Survival Kit, it made us cry yes, but it also made us feel loved. We know we will have a child one day, hopefully at least one I am able to carry myself, and that stuff gives us hope.

I am s l o w l y settling into camp life here, after having spent much of the time last week in doctor's offices and the like, but I do feel a bit restless to try and find my place here. I need a purpose--maybe a job--something, so please pray that I find that, whatever it is, soon. Also pray for my friendships here to blossom. There are some amazingly loving people here at camp--pray that I am adventurous in my pursuit of them. You laugh, because you see me as an extremely outgoing and loud person I am sure, but when it comes to new arena's, I am often shy (I KNOW! A word not EVER associated with me). I will be on here more now hopefully. And I am ready for calls and letters and such if you would like to chat. I always love mail too <3.

EOG's--morning one

This morning started out so completely chaotic. I got up on time, got to school by 7:20, and then hit the ground running. I barely remembered to use the bathroom before we had to be "locked" in the classroom for 3 hrs! Our block of teachers decided to use some of the money our students fundraised to get them breakfast on the EOG mornings. While that seemed like a great idea, in reality it made it just that much more stressful for us each morning. Now we have to get here, get all our testing stuff, get the food from whoever picked it up, located which fridge the waterbottles are in, set out all testing stuff, and get the kids to eat & use the bathroom before 8:15. It's a little much :). Anyway, the kids are busily taking their tests now, and they have 5 more minutes before their first stand-up and stretch break. I didn't get myself coffee this morning because I was afraid it would make me have to pee, but now I'm about to fall asleep. I will say I am enjoying the quiet and praying the kids know this stuff! We'll see!

and a bit more :)

Well--my last post was title "the Big News," but honestly I think our newest news is bigger! The week before Easter I started feeling bad. I wasn't sure what it was, but it didn't seem out of the ordinary. That week came and went, and the feeling didn't go away. Then I took a test--and we are going to have a baby! We are both extremely excited, but it's also a very difficult time. Dave left last Saturday for California, and I will follow the last week of June. He's only been gone for four days, and I'm already lost without him. Plus, being in my first trimester, I often feel sick to my stomach (though thankfully have not actually thrown up), and am usually exhausted regardless of my amount of sleep. This morning I can barely keep my eyes open! These last few weeks of school feel like I'm trudging through the mud to keep up. Trying to push the kids to study for the EOG's is so hard--they don't want to do it, but they also want to pass--it's a total catch-22.
I'm trying to pack a bit more each day, find renters for both apartments, work out plans with our property manager, find a person to mow the yard when we're gone, and work out dates with the movers (plus finding someone to help transport our new couch from Asheville to my house). And I'm exhausted all the time...did I mention that? God willing these weeks will fly by, but right now the calendar seems to stretch to eternity.

the big news...

Some of you may have heard a rumor...or a leak of some interesting information regarding our future abode. A while back Dave was laid off from his state job working with adjudicated youth, and he started putting in applications all over the U.S. for camp jobs. He then started getting a few nibbles here and there; a few phone interviews. After awhile there was a pretty big offer--he was flown out to California to view a camp and interact with the staff there that he had had phone interviews with. A few days later they offered him a job, and a few days after that....he accepted! So, we are moving out to Lake Hughes, California. Actually, Dave is moving in just a few weeks--he has to start staff training, as in training his staff, on the 19th. I will be staying in WNC until the school year is over, and roadtriping out there the last week in June with (hopefully) Shannon and Bethany! It's a quick move--and pretty crazy at the moment, but things seem to be falling in place! I think we found a property manager for our duplex, so we can keep renting it out. I have already put in a few applications there--nothing yet--but i'm hopeful it will work out. Anyway--that's the news--if you want to know specifics about Dave's job, FB him! :)

boys...and girls :)

I sat in the classroom after my students finished up testing--hoping to be able to keep them quiet for the other classes benefits. How EXACTLY do you keep 20 thirteen and fourteen years olds in a very small room quiet??? Well--i told them they COULD NOT talk, but they could sit side-by-side and pass notes. This obviously led to whispering, but as long as I told them they couldn't talk, it stayed like that--since they already felt like rebels by breaking the rules for not talking :). I hate being so hard on them--especially because i want to love on them all the time, cause most of the time i think they are hilarious and i just have to be a hard-ass and not laugh--when i really feel like it! I love the times when i can cut up with them, when we have free time and i can get to know them better, and see what's REALLY going on in their lives. Of course some days I feel like I want to wring their little necks, but mostly--these days--i want to hug them--but i don't cause that's not allowed :). This first year teaching has been one roller coaster after another. The first part of the year was terribly hard, but now it gets easier every day. About halfway through the year i wasn't sure if i wanted to teach next year, if teaching was really my calling, but now I know it is. Middle schoolers are a rough bunch for sure, but they are "pretty cool" after all, don't tell THEM i said that of course.

Dear Graduate......

Dear Graduate:
You are about to embark on a journey of a lifetime! The world is your oyster, and you are....the fisherman? I'm not really sure where they are going with that metaphor, but it is said quite often isn't it? And what IS this about this journey you are about to embark on--this adventure, I mean, what HAVE you been doing for the last twenty-two years of your life anyway---waiting in line? Or possibly a queue if you're British. I say--you've already had several, if not many many adventures, now they will just be on your own dime. Anyway, to all of your graduates out there, who are being asked DAILY where your life is going, and what you are going to do with it, here are a few choice one or two liners that may get you off the hook, or at least put a smile on YOUR face. You're welcome.

To answer the question, "So what are you going to do after you graduate?"

To your grandparents---Well, I heard recently of this place in Montana where you get to work for your keep. Kinda like an old Western. It's really cool though! I could be putting up fence posts and expounding on world hunger with REAL PEOPLE. It's totally NOT like a commune or anything. Mom and Dad think it's a great idea.

To the younger, expectant students--McDonald's--yep--they said their manager has a graduate degree in psychology! So--i may have to go back to school to move up, but I'm starting out behind the register for now, since I do have a business degree.

To random people who you don't really know--Stand-up comedy! Yeah, my teachers always said if I didn't go into it I would be wasting my talent. What? No I didn't get a degree in acting; it was in ceramics actually. Why do you ask?

To the old--I'm getting into the Forestry Film Industry. Yeah! You know those people who do the videos of the plants growing? You can ACTUALLY watch trees grow!

To the over-educated, 7-degree, 40 yr old full-time student--Pet grooming. I think pets really need to consider the message they're sending out to children going out without clothes on or their nails done.

To the people who paid for your education: I'm gonna donate platelets, like, every two weeks--did you know they PAY you for that? It's so sweet!

To the raft guide--I'm going to go on welfare--I will make more sitting on my butt than you do getting raft rear all summer! And I can buy beer with THAT money too!


And then you could ask in return: "And what are you going to do about our country's over consumption of fuel, the huge deficit, and tsunami victims in Japan?" And wait for their answer to your huge, life-altering question.