A longed for moment

This last Monday, January 10th, something happened I had been waiting for for a long time--I got to hear a heartbeat.  Ever since last July, when the time came and went when we should have been able to hear our little Grace's heartbeat, I have ached to hear that sound coming from my own belly.  Every doctor's appointment at the OB, I would hear that sound emanating from other patient's rooms, and I would wonder if that time would come for me.  Even after we were able to conceive again, with the complications we had over these last few months, I never fully allowed myself to believe that we would be allowed to hear it.  I've often spoken of how I felt about my miscarriage as a loss of innocence; like the first time a child realizes his parents aren't immortal, all-protecting beings.  I lost the ability to hope, and am still struggling to get it back.  I read a blog recently, passed on to me by a friend, that spoke of this feeling with complete clarity by another mom who has had the same experience.  After hearing that heartbeat, I cried tears of relief and joy into Dave's arms.  And yet, I don't feel pregnant.  I know that sounds weird, and I see this bump growing on my belly, and I talk about it with friends, but I don't know how to feel!  I'm not sad or depressed, but I just haven't connected with this little one.  I've read books that say this is normal, but I don't want it to be normal; I want to be uncontrollably happy for this baby growing inside me, for the future of our family, for this hope.  I mourn the loss of this innocence, but don't we all?  There are points in our lives when we lose something so dear to us, and we come to a crossroads we don't know how to continue through.  And it is at those times, if we allow him to, that God comes and leads us through it.  I pray I will start actively getting know this little one inside me; talking to it more, and worrying about it less, but for right now, I'm content to know that God is doing that for me.  He is guiding my heart, and the baby's heart, and he will connect them when mine is ready.  I do look forward to that day we will meet him or her, and I know, if not before, I will then be forever bonded to this little heartbeat within me.

Dave's birthday reel

Climbing at Stoney Point

                                                              Sunbathing on the beach

                                                       walking Santa Monica Blvd

tree + sunset

                                                                beautiful sunset

                                                          Birthday cheesecake (Sylvia's lemon
                                                    cheesecake recipe turned out great!)

2011 Reflection

As my Christmas tree still twinkles in the background, it feels like any other day in the last weeks of 2011, except it's not.  Today is January 3rd, it's 65 and sunny here in Cali, and I should probably go check on my neighbor's flowers that I'm supposed to be watering...and get her mail too (I should have mentioned to her I have a black thumb when it comes to plants; I'm just hoping they'll all LOOK like they are still alive until a few days after she returns...that being tomorrow).

Yesterday was Dave's birthday.  We went to his favorite bouldering place, Stoney Point, just outside of Simi Valley, and then on to Santa Monica beach--somewhere he hadn't been yet, but is a new favorite of mine.  We sat on the beach, people watched, strolled through the shopping district, and watched a magnificent sunrise....and not once did I think, "I should have been a Mom by now."  God is so merciful, gracious, good, and kind is He not?  He allows us to mourn deeply, but also to have joy in the beautiful moments of our lives.

This year has been such a fantastic year for learning, growing, loving, and overcoming.  A job that Dave was very passionate about, with colleagues and kids he grew to love dearly, ceased to exist, while another one grew up in its place.  I finished my first year of teaching, and realized, though I still maintain middle schoolers are an alien race, that they have such amazing personalities, ambitions, courage, and ofttimes hurt and anger, but that they gave me quite a bit of joy.  We found out we were expecting our first child, and were extremely delighted, frightened, and excited for the next part of our adventures to begin...and begin they did.

In May Dave moved out to California, and started his new job as the Adventure Director for The Oaks Camp and Conference Center, while I finished up my school year teaching.  He trained his new staff, I figured out we owned a lot of stuff we never used, and possibly never have.

On June 27th, my older sister, Shannon, and my younger sister, Bethany, and I, set out on an across the country road trip to my new home.  We packed my little Fit to the brim, donned our sunglasses, and headed for Memphis!  The bbq was divine, and the Elvis statue was closer than we thought, though the creepy guy that managed the camp ground gave is the heebie-jeebies.  The next day we got up, and drove through a deluge in Arkansas, where we saw no less than 6 airplane wings on the back of semis (do they make them there?), and finally arrived in Hot Springs, AK, at a famous bathing house, to get hot springs baths and massages.  It was my birthday, and the day I started bleeding.  I didn't tell them until half-way through lunch, and we decided to go to the hospital.  That's where I learned Bethany can be fiercely protective, especially with mean nurses, and Shannon will take control when you can't bare the thought of trying to think.  And that four sister's arms to hold you up when the world comes crashing down, when no heartbeat appears, when tears turn to crushing sobs, are exactly what you need.

The next morning my sisters asked me if I wanted to drive straight to California, and I said no, I wanted that time with them, and the memories of that road trip, and I'm so glad I did!  That road trip from North Carolina, to Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, and finally California, changed my life.  We saw the Cadillac Ranch in Texas, the amazing canyon and star strewn New Mexico, the beautiful Grand Canyon in Arizona, and the massive Hoover Dam in Nevada.
 I learned that Bethany can sleep anywhere, Shannon gets up much earlier than I prefer, and no one likes my music.  I also learned it is quite easy to get lost with three people that have no sense of direction, even though we had a perfectly good GPS, and a road map, that Texas is WAAAY too hot for me, that jumping into a freezing cold lake with your two sisters while  onlooking fishermen laugh at you in the middle of New Mexico is quite invigorating, that Shannon will never be by my side as I look over the canyon edge, or I will be carrying her for the rest of the day, that the Hoover Dam is in fact in Nevada (though we didn't even know till that afternoon we were driving over it), that Vegas isn't that great--but the Belagio fountain is pretty cool, and that the tattoo artist we used in California is much better with tattoos than he looks--which is good, cause they're permanent.  Overall, I learned my sisters are my biggest allies, my husband is the strongest man that I will ever hold in my arms, and my God is enough, no matter what.

When I got here, an amazing group of new friends appeared out of the woodwork.  I found a new movie buddy (he laughs at all the hilarious parts and Dave just rolls his eyes at us--it works out).  Four amazing women befriended me (I still remember sitting in Olive Garden and thinking how awesome it was to live right beside them, and know they would keep me in their hearts).  Silly summer staff invited us into their fun adventures, and one even let Dave shave his head--good thing too, as using a regular razor on his head was not looking promising.  Families invited us into their lives--Mike always laughs at my short jokes, and follows them up with some of his own.  And friends back in North Carolina sent us tons of messages--letting us know we were loved no matter where we were.

As my parents moved to Papua New Guinea to start their missions work, my family drew closer together; calling, texting, and sending funny cards to let each other know, even though Mom and Dad were not around, that our family was important, and would always be there.  Mom and Dad found out they were stronger than they ever knew, and they could build relationships even when language was a barrier.  And we found out distance was no measure of love or relationship.

This year was a growing year----and I hope I'll grow twice as much this year, and in the years to come.

The Nelson's 1st Christmas

This is our first Christmas weekend just the two of us.  I do miss being with family, but I also have truly enjoyed the time, just Dave and I.  Today, on Christmas Eve, I got up, and made breakfast for the two of us--"eggy in a basket" (a piece of toast with a hole cut in the middle, then fried an egg in the hole and toasted on both sides) and grits.  It turned out pretty good, even though Dave usually makes that meal.  After a relaxed morning, we had soup for lunch (we both still have a bit of a cold), and then took a nap.  Then we took the dogs for a nice long walk along the Northwestern loop trail, and let them run.  It was beautiful up there.  You gain enough elevation to look down over camp during some parts, and on others, you look down over the valley on the other side.  It was perfect to walk and talk together.  Then we came back and had some tea.  Now Dave and the dogs are taking nap #2, while I sit on the couch in front of the roaring fire in the wood stove, lights twinkling on the Christmas tree, and write.  In a little while we're going to head out to the small presbyterian church here in our little town, and go to the candlelight service there.  I always enjoy going to Grandmama's church for their Christmas Eve service, as well as Mervyn and Sylvia's church for the midnight Christmas Eve service.  Hopefully this one will be just as good.  Only half the Christmas weekend is over, and it has already been so wonderful.  I am truly blessed to have this time to spend with Dave, knowing my family across the States, and the ocean, love us, and are just a phone call or Skype conversations away.  We love you all dearly.  Merry Christmas.

Green

I find it quite amazing that things grow here so easily.  And if you have been to Southern California, you probably think I'm crazy, but let me banter a bit.  This is a desolate land for the most part.  There is always dust and sand everywhere.  Scrub bushes and ruddy trees (call Scrub Oak) dot the landscape.  Pine trees are the tallest and largest trees here.... But when the weather turns cooler, and it rains for days, the ground comes alive!  Just outside our house there is a path to the Leap of Faith high ropes element, and further on, the swing set, and soccer/baseball fields.  At the beginning of that path, little shoots of grass have started coming up, of their own accord!  Grass doesn't grow here, by itself, without being unnaturally watered, unless it is raining (which only happens in the fall and winter I am told).  The ground just soaks up every little bit, and throws out grass, flowers, and sprigs of small plants that have been just waiting for moisture.  It's fun to see the transition of the land.  To enjoy a cloudy night sky, cold wind, and a hot seat by the wood stove.  God is teaching me to love this place, but I still miss you.

Flightless Hope

Emily Dickenson famously said, “Hope is the thing with feathers,” but all feathers do not fly. 

Ostriches have feathers—watchful, proud, strong, fearless, violent creatures.   Often hope must be fearless, and violently protective to survive; it must snap at the first hint of threat.  It must run so swiftly with the wind, that flight seems possible, to endure the times the wind is silent, and the howls come only from the soul.  It must puff itself up to look regal, in stunning black and white, to stare down its beak with such a fierce look as to silence the pity that the eagle and the dove so quickly bestow.  The eye says—you will not make me your pawn; fly as high as you wish, I can break you with one clip of my mighty legs, one swipe of my angry beak.  Your pity is not welcome here—do not be so bold as to grieve for me in embrace.  For an embrace will surely mean death, to your throat and my grit. For valor I have, but restraint I can only contain for a while. 

The dove is meek and mild in her approach, and while she tries to empathize, her tears only incite her own comforting, and strength is expended, the little store wasted on one who is not the flightless party.

The kingly, majestic eagle looks down its nib as only a royal would do.  Knowing it may be no match for the ostrich’s strength, but the ostrich will never keep its young on a cliff, miles above all its prey.  It also pities the ostrich for its perilous young, stranded on the earth, with only its weak courage to protect them.  The eagle is cool and collected, knowing the ostrich has much to favor, and envy, but never saying so, as that would give way to maliciousness and cruelty.  It inclines its head in the ostrich’s direction, and nods its crown in respect to the weaker fowl.

The penguin is not commonly thought of as a feathery familiar, but it is.  It oft is overlooked for its merits as a bird—only thought of adoringly, with childlike virginity and wholesomeness.  It mates for life—a well-known, repetitively spoken fact.  But feathery friend or foe, the details bereft of this get foggy.  Their penguin suit is likened to formal wear, as these beasts of great character rightly deserve.  They know community like no sanctuary has ever seen—fishing with grace, diving with beauty, surrounded by peers and family alike.  The males dance in unison, wooing their females, laying claim to their young’s refuge and nest.  The penguin is not afraid to display himself foolishly for his love. For all this the penguin is the only one who really “gets” the ostrich.  No feathers, no flight, no soaring above the heights—but great courage is often shown in the differences between honor and ego.  And for that, if the penguin could, or ever would, the ostrich just might allow the smallest embrace, enfolded in the penguin’s chivalrous bosom, and let his tears of hope flow freely.  Because the hope of a penguin, and of an ostrich, is much smaller, and therefore a hardier substance.  The smallness of it often seems to disappear altogether—but it still exists, in a still small form that ebbs and flows with the tide.

If ______, Then___________.

This week’s Women’s Bible study, on Esther, was extremely powerful for me.  It challenged how most of the way that I live is based on fear.  Fear of failure, loss, hurt, success, or fear itself.  A few years ago I had night terrors on a regular basis.  I had them when I was younger, and was never able to tell anyone about them, because what I dreamed was so vivid and evil.  I guess I thought if I told anyone about what I dreamed, that would reflect on me somehow, or it would say that I was a bad person.  These night terrors were awful—the worst fear I have ever felt.  I would be immobilized by my fear; paralyzed in every sense of the word.  My whole body would be drenched in sweat, and I literally could not move a muscle, usually not even to wake Dave.  The dreams were usually about someone being in my house, about safety of myself and other family members.  I remember the dream I had when I was young very clearly; to this day I remember it to a T.  I had it over and over again for years.  It always involved my mom and I getting hunted down, sometimes by the betrayal of a friend. 

The Bible study today focused on the question, “What if fear was not involved in your decision making process.”  I immediately thought, “I would write more, read more, befriend more, put myself out there more, serve more, spend less time on appearances,” and on and on.  The Bible study leader said to do this fill in the blank.  If______, then_______.  We are supposed to fill in the first blank with one of our worst fears, and the second with what would happen to us, or what we would do, if that were realized.  This last week the devil has been trying to fill me with fear over my dad having malaria.  The devil seemed to whisper, “He may die, you may never see him again, he will never meet any of your future children!”  So this is the blank I chose to fill in, and it would go something like this.

            If my dad dies in Papua New Guinea, then my mom will fall apart.  I will fall apart.  My sisters and brothers will fall apart.  We will have to live in world where my father no longer exists. Where he was SUPPOSED to live to 80 something. He will never meet my children—he, the man who loves babies, will never tell him/her about how (s)he is a better swimmer/climber/bicycler/writer/math student             than his/her mother. He will never take them camping, or teach them to tell direction by the movement of the sun.  He won’t bend down on one knee in front of them and say, in his kind voice, “Ohhh, that’s ok,” when something of his gets broken, because he doesn’t care about things.  I will never hear my Daddy laugh again; he will never take my arm in his, he will never skip embarrassingly through             the grocery store park in lot with me holding his hand.  I will fall apart….and then I will slowly start to heal, piece by piece.  I will remember….the good times—when he took me on camping trips, taught me how to set up a tent, build a fire, rappel, hike, tried to teach me a sense of direction-and how to read a map, taught me to choose a man by his character.  I will remember him playing capture the flag with water guns on my 16^th birthday, and the speech he gave when I graduated high school, and his arm in mine as I walked down the isle on my wedding day—three events my friend Jenny did not get to experience with her dad.  And I will thank God profusely for allowing me to have a father that raised             me to love God, and who loved God himself, and ALL he wanted for his children, and THEIR children, was for them to do the same. 

And then fear is gone, and courage is in its place.  Because I know that “If______, then God .”  Because, as each challenge arises, our heavenly father is there, taking our hand, and heart in his, and giving us new strength and will that are not ours but his.  He will be there with courage to spare.  2 Tim. 1:7 “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power, love, and sound judgment.”

missing leaves

A fav. photo of Island Park back in Bryson during the Fall

Mamma

Missin my Mamma today--wondering if she would like the writing I've been doing lately, if it would make her laugh.   Wondering if she would stare at the pile of dishes on my counter, or roll her eyes at the fact that the clothes I washed three days ago are still in the dryer--dry.  Thinking this is the time of year they usually go camping, and wondering if she's thinking of cooler days around a campfire.  I know we would share a laugh over the fact that half the plants I bought a few months ago are already dead--but that having half still alive is still a pretty big deal.  I wish I could call her up, and just chat about the weather, making friends, and how everyone is doing at home.  I miss you Mamma; can't wait to talk soon.

YOU are enough

Lord, You are enough, when the tears rain down like icebergs melting in May. Lord, You are enough, when our wishes we will, aren't Your will, that day.  Lord, You are enough, when all seems lost.  Lord, You are enough, when it is the greatest of costs.  Lord, You are enough, when we only have the strength to whisper Your name.  Lord, You are enough when if feels as if nothing will ever be the same.  Lord, You are enough, when my throat burns with tears unshed.  Lord, You are enough, when the healing words go unsaid.  Lord, You are enough, when the sun basks on my skin.  Lord, You are enough, when fears creep in.  Lord, You are enough, when my day falls neatly into place, and You are enough, when piles of dishes are too vast to face.  Lord, You are enough, when my friendships are faithful, and You are enough, when they turn hateful.  Lord, You were enough for my darkest hour, and I thank you for making the words, "You are enough," lift my soul from its cower.

LN

The Girl with the Traveling Tattoo

That is the title of the parody Dave thinks I should write on the books "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" and" The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."  Who knows, it could be amusing.  I have been writing a lot as of late, but not fiction.  The work I'm writing with a vengeance at the moment is much more personal, and I'm not sure it will ever see the light of day, but it feels good to write with a purpose.  I've been reading so much lately, all fiction, and loving it, but I'm not sure what I would write if I wrote fiction.  I don't really care about creating stories so much as reading them.  I love getting lost in their intricate lives and stories.  I just finished reading The Hunger Games, and if you want to get truly taken away in a story, you should sit down to read that one.  Just know you're not going to be able to think about anything else until you finish all three.  I realize that's not a convenience most people, especially people with kids, can afford, but give yourself an hour a day and jump in.  You won't be disappointed.  Well, I guess this post is just to say, "I've been writing," which lots of you have encouraged me to do, so there you have it.

Now that I think about it--the title of this blog could be a autobiography.....hmmmm.

Pine needles

I cannot walk through a pine forest and fail to be transported immediately back to my ten year old self, racing through the woods beside siblings on the way to Mame and Pop's house at Lake Norman, trying to beat my parents driving around by the road.  It is my most pungent memory--my strongest most fragrant reminder of sunset dinners on the boat, playing with old Legos, a random phone in a box nailed to a pine tree, being made to wear a swim belt even in shallow water, and swinging too high (and getting scolded for it) on the sunroom swing.  The smell of pine needles brings back all these things--even in the midst of a walk in Yosemite, I am reminded.

gratuitous tears

Sometimes I feel myself start to tear up, and I don't know why I'm crying...and then I remember my heart is still tender, and baby bumps and wee sleepy snuggles come to mind. I stare openly and unashamed at the cute ones that gurgle and bounce on a daddy's knee at dinner, or trundling tots as they adventure off on their own, maneuvering endless legs and tables that reach to the heavens. I feel I have no right to these tears--as travesties of vast proportions have wrecked the world, and all I have is a one-time empty womb, and hope for a future time... A dear friend once told me, she never overlooks others' pain, no matter how tiny it seems to some, and I hope I am so gracious--I strive to be so gracious..."God make my heart bigger, not smaller"

Snapshots of Colorado fun

So a couple of weeks ago we went to Colorado for a wedding. I FINALLY got to be a Best Man in a wedding (it was on my bucket list)! My long time friend, Sean Macha, and his beautiful bride, Anuschka, got married above a huge gorge with amazing views. We also got to go whitewater body boarding with them, and I got a ride on Sean's motorcycle :). On the way back to the airport in Denver, we stopped by Garden of the Gods, which we will DEFINITELY return to with gear to play! So here are a few snapshots of the fun times and beautiful scenery.

A few niceties go a LONG way

Today I had to call my medical insurance--BlueCross BlueShield--about some claims back in June and early July when all the sadness happened. It consisted of three different days of medical visits in two different states. The medical bills have really been stressing me out, considering I haven't ever had bills like these before, for thousands of dollars, but my insurance lady put me much more at ease. She was so kind and patient, going through each claim, how much the total was, and how much we are responsible for. She helped me categorize each date by how many claims for that day, so I know what to expect to get in the mail from the respective medical facilities. Though, in general, I think insurance companies get the better end of the deal on these things, and the system still needs A WHOLE LOTTA WORK, the woman I spoke to made a huge weight fall off my shoulders, just by helping me understand more, and feel more in control of the situation. It was a rather lovely experience!

Clash of the titans..errr...dislike of rules i don't agree with

I went to a training for substitute teaching today for a Christian school in the area. I agreed with pretty much everything they stood for, and the outcome of the knowledge and education the students graduate with. Many of the graduating students from this school have ended up in ivy league colleges, or top military schools or positions--I was impressed! There's just this one thing--I have to cover up all my tattoos. I know I know--most of you would say--"I told you so," or "Yep, that's why professional jobs and tattoos don't go together," but let me state my case. Firstly, with my brief experience with Californians, I have never seen this many people, of ALL walks of life and job statuses, with more tattoos--and BIG ones--before in my life. Using that point, I would say this rule would mean a lot of people have to cover up tattoos. Secondly, they recommended that it be covered up by clothing, or a bandage of some kind. Isn't a child going to be MORE curious about the tattoo, and MORE distracted by a person wearing an Ace bandage on their arm/leg all day, every day, than by the tattoo itself (obviously if the tattoo is inappropriate, this is not applicable)? Thirdly, I strongly believe that you should be the person you are all the time--meaning--don't swear at certain times in front of certain people, and not in front of others (for those of you that know me, know I am working on this in my own life too), or drink in front of certain people, and not others (again, this doesn't apply to drinking with someone you know will be tempted to drink too much, or hurting them emotionally). Stop the duplicity!!! Be the person God created you to be ALL. THE. TIME. Lastly, what is the rule accomplishing; because if it is not accomplishing something to the glory of God, then why would a Christian school make the rule (to make the parents/tuition payers happy? Because it's an old rule? etc.)? A rule that says, "You must cover all profane, lewd, or inappropriate tattoos" would be sufficient (allowing the principle to decide if something was "appropriate" in a disagreement). O.k. I'm done. I haven't ranted on here in quite awhile; feels kinda good ;). Don't worry; I won't get use to this.

sweet wee breath

I got to put a four year old up our Leap of Faith pole today. Today was my first official day working for The Oaks as one of Dave's hourly staff. I got to run the Leap of Faith with him all afternoon! All the adults had gone off already, and I walked up and asked little D if he wanted to go.

His mom: He can?!
me: Sure! We have just the harness to fit!
me to D: You want to go?
D: --big grin and nod--

He was SO excited! His little legs were quite long enough to make all the steps, so I climbed up a bit behind him to give him extra footholds with my hands. He only went half way, but that huge grin never left his face, and he loved swinging down the best! Makes me miss working with kids for sure. I'm most of the way through my application for the local school so I can substitute, and I think I'm going to go find out how I can volunteer at The Painted Turtle this week--I need some more "smile" energy, and I'm pretty sure those kids could fill me up! I also put in a application with the local pub and restaurant called The Rock. I kinda hope I get a job there, just to learn the locals; it's a kooky, fun kind of place.

Well, I'm headed home to take the dogs for an evening walk and set up our guest bedroom for a co-workers gf for night. TTYS

Things

Things I no longer take for granted:

*grass--there is only grass where the sprinklers water touches--otherwise it's sand/dirt
*big, tall, shady trees--there are several of these around my house, and I'm so thankful for them!!!
*rain--if it rains before November, it's always a surprise, so far it has rained once since Dave arrived here mid-May, and thankfully I got to be here for that one!)
*internet--internet was easier to get in S. Africa--here I have to walk/bike to Dave's office to get it, hopefully Verizon will grace us with its presence very soon.
*cell phone coverage--in case you have tried to call me here, I don't get cell reception except in a few select places (when the wind is not blowing and I am facing the correct direction). So--text me first, then I'll find a spot to talk to you (though I may have to run to the soccer field to do so)
*electric stove--ours is gas--which still totally freaks me out! I'm still afraid i'm going to blow up the house

Things I am so excited to have here!!!

*a washer and dryer!!!! (I HAVE NEVER HAD ONE IN MY HOUSE!!!)
*a bathtub--it is SO nice to shave my legs and NOT hit my head on the adjoining wall
*neighbors I can pop in on daily--or join on the playground with their kids (I have never known my neighbors very well--maybe because most of them were seasonal renters, but it is SO nice to enjoy my neighbors and their great kids, AND wonderful hospitality!)
*Barnes & Noble, Trader Joe's, Target, Olive Garden, $2 movies, etc---Palmdale is TWENTY MINUTES away, and has ALL THESE THINGS, plus MORE! It's so awesome!!!!

Prayer things:
*(me) Need to find a purpose driven thing for me--a part-time job, volunteer work, SOMETHING--i'm going a little stir crazy
*(dave) Support at he plays "catch-up" for these past few months as he's still new to his job, and there's always something else to do or plan (ah the camp life)

We love you all!!!

beginnings

I'm sitting in Dave's office getting internet this morning (well, it's morning here for 3 more minutes--which means it will probably be afternoon by the time I finish), as I don't have internet, or for that matter, cell phone coverage, at the house. The house is pretty much unpacked, except for the spare room/office/whatever that becomes. The paint colors aren't my favorite, but they are manageable for now, and after summer camp ends and things settle down here, then maybe we will get to pick out some nicer colors.

We've decided to theme our house a sort of bohemia feel, I guess that means eclectic? Patterns everywhere basically. At first, we had two couches with different patterns, one we bought and a super comfy one that just showed up, and I didn't like it. But then, just for fun, we threw down our rug of a different pattern, and some throw pillows ALSO with different patters, and I kinda fell in love with it! Dave loves it of course :). He said this is exactly how he always wanted his house to look. I'm sure Grandmama would say it looks more like "early basement, late attic" in style, lol, but it's us. Now if we can just get the boxes taken away, the pictures hung, and the house cleaned, we will be good.

I think my chances of finding full time teaching this year are slim to none, and i have to say i am more than o.k. with that. I am pursuing being a regular substitute this year at the local schools, and then trying to get in more full time next year. I do need SOMETHING to keep me focused, and I want to learn more about the community center up the road, and see if they have a volunteer tutoring program. There's also this camp, called The Painted Turtle, that I am interested in as well. It's funny because after high school I was very interested in working at the camp Kyle Petter helped with, Victory Junction, that works with kids that have disabilities and special needs. The Painted Turtle is literally 3 minutes away, and is one of the string of camps associated Victory Junction spread across the U.S. So, there are lots of things to explore this fall. I do feel a bit guilty for not pursuing a full time teaching position more heartily, ok at all, but I don't know why. I guess I just feel I should be monitarily inputing into our family more, since I won't be having a baby this school year.

Well, lunch is soon, and I should walk the dogs back to the house. Two camp kids just scootered by the window towards the dining hall, so I guess I should head that way too. I have a coffee date with a friend this afternoon during her boys' nap time that I am very excited about. Now I just need to unload a few boxes before then!

a reappearance

I didn't want to talk to anyone--but I clung to Bethany and Shannon. That's how I felt that day--I wanted to shut everything down and disappear. And I did to some extent--I didn't tell anyone except for immediate family--and Bethany and Shannon were the ones that called them all--I couldn't do it--I couldn't hear the sadness in their voices or hear their tears. I needed to shut down to preserve what was left of the joy in my life at that moment. And that's how I went on with the roadtrip. I needed to make new memories of that week, to fall in a different kind of love with my sisters, and have a time we can always look back on, a time that was not completely overshadowed by grief.

I texted and FB-ed about our loss last week, and didn't reply to many texts or calls from anyone--but the words from you all meant the world to us. I'm slowly opening back up, and am able to talk about it a bit, though still not without tears quite often, so if you call and I start to cry, and you are a bit scared (considering I really hate to cry in front of people, whether on the phone or not), know I can't help it anymore, they just seem to pour out of me at random moments.

Our stuff arrived Friday, and seeing the baby things was really difficult. I didn't think I would want to go through the boxes, but I did--I wanted to see it all and remember how excited we were. And something else happened too; the love from all the people those things came from poured out on us. Seeing the shoes, the cute onesies, the New Daddy Survival Kit, it made us cry yes, but it also made us feel loved. We know we will have a child one day, hopefully at least one I am able to carry myself, and that stuff gives us hope.

I am s l o w l y settling into camp life here, after having spent much of the time last week in doctor's offices and the like, but I do feel a bit restless to try and find my place here. I need a purpose--maybe a job--something, so please pray that I find that, whatever it is, soon. Also pray for my friendships here to blossom. There are some amazingly loving people here at camp--pray that I am adventurous in my pursuit of them. You laugh, because you see me as an extremely outgoing and loud person I am sure, but when it comes to new arena's, I am often shy (I KNOW! A word not EVER associated with me). I will be on here more now hopefully. And I am ready for calls and letters and such if you would like to chat. I always love mail too <3.