More like Him

Today, as I was sitting in a mom's Bible study group, I realized I am understanding God's heart more now, as a mom.  I see how much I love Fiona, how much watching her grow gives me joy, and how her sadness and pain brings my own sadness and pain.  I want good things for her, but I also want her to grow in wisdom and knowledge and, most of all, love of God.  Sometimes, to grow in those things, she will have to experience loss in big and small ways; she will have to feel disappointment.  When she reaches for things that she aren't good for her, I pull them away, even though it makes her sad to not be able to have them.  And I know that doing that is the good thing to do, to give her good gifts, not things that will hurt her.  But she doesn't always know what's good for her.  Aren't we the same way with God?  Don't we reach for things, time and time again, that can hurt us?  And when God pulls those things away for our own good, don't we often get mad at him, and throw a fit because he took it away? I often tell Fiona, "I'm sorry you're sad," but that doesn't mean I give her the thing she wants anyway, because I know it is not the best for her.  Amazing how God mirrors his relationship with us through so many things in life.  He tries to show us his love through almost every story in the Bible, but also through the church, through our marriages, and through our relationships with our children.  It's just like how he told so many parables in the Bible so that people could understand; he's now showing me a parable of how he feels about me, through how I feel about Fiona, and how I want to raise her.

Thank you God for your love stories to me; for reaching me in a place I am comfortable, and showing me your love in my every day life and decisions.

Review of "Forgetting the Fairy Tale" by Donya Dunlap

In this book, the urgency with which Dunlap yearns for women to know The Truth is evident.  At first, I questioned who this book was written for, but I quickly realized it was me: and every other woman who has lost, or possibly never found, the true reason she was put on this earth.  It is wonderful to see a writer point out that God does not promise us a fairy tale life with all the trappings, but he promises us, as she says, “Peace that passes all understanding, unspeakable joy, eternal security, boundless love, and His presence with us, always.”  What else could we want?  She weaves Bible stories seamlessly into the life of the "every woman,"showing them relevant in every word written, and how we can use them as our encouragement to pursue a relationship with Christ.  

Girl's day

Today Dave is off hiking some trails in preparation for Outdoor Ed season here at camp starting in the middle of March.  So, it's just us girls at home.  We had a pj party for a while this morning, then she went down for a nap for approximating 30 minutes of her hour to hour and a half nap.  But at least I got dinner in the crock pot before she woke up.  She's now quite happily playing on the floor on all her blankets, though not with all the toys I put out.  The coffee table seems to be very intriguing to her, with the different grains of wood (don't worry, it's quite sturdy, she can't hurt herself unless she bangs her head into it).  Her favorite toy as of late has been a rubber ducky I got in the $1 section of Target--the section Dave calls "cheap plastic crap."  It's always the cheap, or free, stuff they like huh?  At least we haven't really spent any money on things for her, so I don't have anything to feel guilty over :).  Almost all her stuff, from crib to stroller, along with toys & clothes, have come from friends or family.  It's been so wonderful to live in a community where sharing is the way of life!  The hiking pack we have for Fiona right now has already been passed through three families, and is still going strong!  As I look at the floor, and see three different small quilts, made lovingly by hand especially for Fiona (not mine mind you--I do not have that kind of artistic ability in me I don't believe), it makes my heart swell with the love showered on us.

Well--my little mohawk baby is getting hungry.  She's banging her feet on the floor and making long whiney noises with the occasionally screech thrown in--I think she's gonna start crawling any day now!  I will go feed her.  Hope you all have a great day!  I'm gonna spend this chilly S. Cali day inside with my little cuddler, possibly with a fire in the stove this afternoon.  Love to you all!

Valentine to Fiona

Though I am not an early riser by choice, when you smile at me, with that 2 toothed grin, the time of  day ceases to matter. When I approach your crib, and hear coo's and gurgles, whether I've had my first cup of coffee or not drifts out of my mind. When I tickle your tummy, toes, or chubby little thighs, and that marvelous laugh of yours bubbles out, my whole days is brightened. You are a lovely, wonderful, chosen, loved, incredible gift from God my beautiful daughter, and I thank our Heavenly Father for you this first of your Valentine's Days.  Happy 7 months my wonderful blessing.  Mommy Loves you.

Love,
Mommy

challenged

It's only 3:00 pm, and I have already been so greatly challenged today!  I went to a mom's Bible study this morning, and was challenged to learn how to let others lead (this means I have to stop leading, and get out of the way sometimes!).  Then, I was listening to the President give a speech on the radio, which led to a brawlingly loud conversation over lunch about political choices, and was challenged (a bit too late unfortunately) to let my actions speak louder than my words when it comes to moral choices.  And just now, after speaking to a friend that started the non-profit I write for, The You ARE Project, I was again challenged to continue seeking God, and speaking/writing as He provides outlets for that.

This coming weekend is the Oaks women's retreat, and I will be giving my testimony at some point.  I hate when I ramble, especially when there is an important point to what I am trying to say, and I want to make sure I don't ramble while giving my testimony.  I also want to remember that there is a reason I am giving it, and that God has a vision for what He wants me to say, as opposed to rambling off my life story and calling it my "testimony."

After lunch, I was all fired up over the political conversation, that I just wanted to jump on facebook and do what I swore I would never do--let my ranting fly free and give everyone a piece of my politically charged mind.  I have done that in the past (sorry if you were privy to that moment), and know it was not a helpful thing, and often got me in trouble.  My ranting was going to point a finger at those of us (yes, I now feel I am numero uno in line for blame here) who love to tell you what we believe in, but rarely go out and help those in true need of seeing that belief become a reality.

So, in light of that, I believe I need to spend some time in prayer, and see where God is leading me to use my time, efforts, and talents to do the things He is convicting me of--whether that be volunteering, or just getting off my butt and going for a walk among His creation.  Prayer--there's another two-way street I often treat as a one-way; I need to work on listening to God as well!  Love to you all!

Goals & Blessings in 2012

I was reading a friend's blog today, and he was listing his goals for 2013.  I like that idea, and intend to pursue it, but I want to look back at 2012.  I want to make sure I truly recognize the goals I achieved, and blessings I received in the year that has passed.

Goals/Blessings:
1-Write in a public forum somehow.
This year, a friend of mine contacted me and asked me to write for her website, geared towards women of all ages, to encourage them in real, practical, Christian life.  My articles are about Dave and mine's decision to become parents, the mental process that we went through to get there, and the hardships along the way.  I am so excited to be a part of this project, and God's timing was perfect!  This writing has helped me continue to pursue my artistic desires, as well as learning and growing as a new mom!  If you want to take a look, the website is: theyouareproject.com

2-Become a mom.
It's funny as I think back over last year, my head almost skips it, and jumps back to 2011.  2011 seems like just yesterday, yet God has grown my heart in so many ways since then.  I was excited when I found out I was pregnant that year, but it took a good portion of 2012 for me to accept the idea of it.  God had to walk me by the hand through the fear I felt during my pregnancy, constantly reminding me He was with me & my baby, no matter what.  I had a hard time connecting with Fiona before she was born.  Even after the first trimester, I was scared to connect with her, because the pain of losing a baby was something I never wanted to feel again!  It was hard to "let go, and let God," heal my heart and prepare it for this new addition, while helping me continue to grieve my loss in a healthy way.  And yet he did!

3-Be pregnant.
Yes, I realize that goes kinda side-by-side with becoming a mom, but it's different.  One of the small reasons why Dave and I decided to have a baby, was so I could experience the joy of being pregnant!  It was one of the most amazing experiences I have had thus far!  It's kinda silly, but being pregnant, knowing there is literally another person growing inside you, it makes you feel a little invincible!  I felt like there was this shield over us--life we were protected somehow.  And I never felt alone.  I loved loved loved when I finally got to feel the baby move inside me, and then, later on, see her move.  I never got over that fantastic feeling--when my stomach gurgles now, I think back to that, and miss it a bit (though that does NOT mean I want to be pregnant again any time soon.  With pregnancy comes delivery--and I need YEARS to forget that, maybe longer, maybe forever).

4-Have girl friends.
I have made close friends in the past, but it has always been difficult for me.  I used to say, "Girls are just harder to befriend!" But I don't necessarily think that's true.  Guys are easier to become friends with more quickly, but not on a deeper level.  Girls, or women more precisely, take time and effort.  So really I think God may just be teaching me how to be patient, more transparent, and a little less lazy.  This past year I have become closer to some amazing women here at The Oaks, and I appreciate their friendship, and hold it dear to my heart.  I can "borrow" an onion or a cup of sugar, or just drop by for a cup of coffee.  I can cry (though I still don't like to) on their proverbial or literal shoulders, or make their day by giving them a few laughs.  In short, I can share my heart, and know it is safe.

5-Be a more involved sibling.
In 2011, through my miscarriage, and then the departure of my parents to the mission field, my siblings and I realized we may need to cling a little bit closer to each other.  In 2012, with having just become pregnant, and then later having a baby, I feel like I learned more intensely how much of a blessing family really is.  I have four siblings, so sometimes that's not easy to stay in touch with everyone.  It has always been easier for me to be closer to my sisters, which I think is normal.  Women like to talk, so we call each other often--sometimes FaceTiming too.  I do try to remember and contact my brothers, as they're not great at initiating that contact, but they're pretty good at returning a text, email, or call....eventually ;).  I made a point in the last year or so to try and be more open with my family--to share "me" even on my grungiest days, and ya know what?  They loved me anyway.

Well--that's 2012!  Onward and upward!  2013 is upon us--now go eat some nachos

Parenting = constant fear

Parenting seems to equal constant fear.  I mean, it can.  I struggle with it every day, and constantly have to pray, "God, give me your peace."  Fiona is truly sick for the first time, and everything is terrifying me.  She has a horrid cough that sounds like she's hacking up a lung, and I keep having these awful thoughts that she's going to choke on all the stuff in her sleep and suffocate!  I just prayed last night, "Lord, keep my baby safe, be with her, give her peace, make her comfortable, and give me peace Lord.  Show me what I can do to help her, and let me leave the rest in your hands."  Motherhood is scary.  If I dwelt on all the things that could happen to my precious baby every day I would be a nervous wreck!  Thank you Jesus that He guides my thoughts--otherwise I would have no hope!

Right now she is sleeping in her crib for her morning nap.  I googled different things last night to try and see what I could do to help her feel better--but I was already doing them.  Her mattress is slightly elevated at the head, there's humidifier in her room, and I'm putting saline drops in her nose and using the nose sucker.  I'm also nursing her whenever she feels like it to keep more fluids in her--and letting her rest and do things I wouldn't normally do, like watching TV (she seems to really like Dragon Tales--now that theme song is stuck in my head!).  I thanked God for giving me wisdom--though I never feel wise, but more like I'm barely balancing something that is going to crash down on my head any second.

An amazing thought I had while praying this morning was this--think about your children when they were in your womb.  If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, they were sharing a space with the Holy Spirit!  Now, theologically I know He is not physically in us--but isn't that a wonderful thought?  He created our bodies as mothers to be this nurturing, warm, and virtually perfectly safe place for our little ones to grow, so He is with them there!  And he doesn't abandon them when they enter this harsh world of germs and colds.  Even today, as Fiona seemed to be coughing in despair, when she was done with that coughing bout, looked up at me and gave me a brilliant smile!  God is with her even when she's not feeling her best, and letting her know she is loved and safe in His love.

Well, she will be up soon, and I need to get ready for her 6 month doctors visit this afternoon.  Poor Baba has to be poked and prodded while not feeling her best, but I will be there with cuddles and pacifiers to help her through it.

6 months and counting

Today is her six month birthday--where has that time gone?!  Two days ago, I tried to get her to take a nap on my chest just to get some cuddles in, but no more--she wanted her bed.  Just two months ago, should wouldn't nap anywhere else, and now if I want a cuddle she has to be half asleep.  I can still get in one or two from time to time, but she's a mover now--that's for sure.  I knew that cuddly stage wouldn't last for long, and I sure cherished each moment she gave me to just hold her close and smell her sweet head, but I do miss it a bit.  This new stage is an adventure too though.  I love seeing her rolling everywhere, reaching and grabbing all the toys around her, and starting to try and move forwards.  I put her in the Johnny Jumper the other day--she didn't jump, but she liked being able to touch the ground, and she made herself swing a little; I think she'll like it once she sees what she can do in it.  We weighed her the other night--she weighs about 15 lbs now.  She's our little chubba wubba--rolls everywhere.  For her six month birthday today, we're thinking about starting her out on carrots.  We tried cereal a couple months back, but she REALLY hated it, so we thought we'd just wait it out and start on the veggies when she turned six months old.  I'm excited to take some pictures with orange carrots all over the face--hope she likes them!

Well, she is sleeping right now, and last night wasn't a great night as the power went out and we had to pull her in bed with us to stay warm.  This resulted in not a whole lotta sleep for anyone.  To quote a friend, "I think a nap would look great on me right about now."  See ya later!

for fun: here's a pic of her eating cereal for the first time--doesn't she look thrilled?

New year

Well--it's 2013--have you gotten use to writing that yet?  I'm trying very hard to remember and write 2013 instead of 2012.  I think it's easier this year for some reason--dunno why.  I was looking at my blog today and realized I haven't posted since September--wow!  Well, I guess that's motherhood for you--though if you asked my father-n-law he would tell you I have time for everything I want to have time for, and I suppose that's true on some level.  When I have down time, I usually end up working on a column, finally getting to my daily cup of coffee, or just zoning out with a good TV show (sometimes it doesn't even have to be good).  But I want to get better at writing, and as I've been told, writing daily really helps with that.  So--my goal would be to write every day, but that doesn't necessarily mean blogging every day.  It could be working on a column or just journaling, but I am going to try and keep up with it.  This is the year!...hopefully :).

Baby girl will be 6 months old tomorrow!  It feels crazy to say that I have a six month old, but it's true!  She is squawking beside me right now as her daddy puts her pj's on (she really hates getting dressed).  We are going to start her on carrots tomorrow--that should make for some nice pictures.  She still has little hair--it's pretty much peach fuzz--but I do think it's going to be curly, and a bit red.  Yay!  I will leave you this evening with a picture I just took of her sitting on the couch with one of her toys.

Stationery card

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2 months of mama experience

Today was Fiona's 2 month check-up.  I was more than a little nervous about this visit, as our last visit, at 4 days old, was not so fun.  She had jaundice, and had been to the doctor every day since her birth--which means I had been to the doctor every day since delivering her.  I was walking barely faster than an old lady with a walker, my milk STILL hadn't come in, and Fi was ticked off.   She screamed most of the time, and I don't know HOW many nurses came to check and see what was up.  By the time Dave got us all back in the car, Fi and I were BOTH in tears.

So, today I was trepidated--I know, that's not a word, but I like the sound of it.  I had done my research on the shots she was supposed to get today, so I went in knowing what to expect from them, but not from Fi.  Sigh---it was a total relief.  She cooed and smiled, and made all the nurses fall in love with her.  She let the doctor look in her ears, weigh her, measure her, poke her tummy, everything--and didn't even cry.  Until the nurse held her down for her quick 3 shots, she was good as gold, and a little cuddling later, dried right up!  The doctor was so great at answering all my questions and concerns--I love our pediatrician!

Now I won't be so nervous about our 4 month visit--though I will probably still need to stop by Starbucks on the way :)

7 weeks

It has been seven weeks since my beautiful baby girl was born--I can't believe it!  It has changed me in so many ways.  One of the most fun is that I enjoy mornings with her.  Don't get me wrong, when I first wake up to her noises, I think, "Please--just one more hour," but when she turns on the charm, I can't help but be overwhelmed with happiness.

Mornings are Fiona's favorite time at the moment.  She is her happiest in the first hour or so of the morning.  She smiles and coos every time I talk to her--I will just melt the first time she laughs I'm sure. She giggled a little in her sleep the other afternoon--and tears sprang to my eyes immediately.  I've been trying to get her to laugh while awake, but no such luck yet.

She is currently snoozing in the swing, serenaded by classical music that came with it.  There were animal sounds at some point (it's borrowed), but they sound like a dying duck now--not quite sure why.  Classical music is supposed to make babies smarter right?  I doubt I would play it for her otherwise, since i'm not a huge fan myself, but since it's in her swing, she hears it all the time.  So, I guess I'm glad :), though the songs already run through my head, and I find myself humming --dum dum dum DUM di dum....

Well--the list of things I could do while she is asleep is racing around my head, so I'd better do something else before her morning snooze is up, or i won't get another chance for a few hours.  Here's a cute picture of morning Fiona to enjoy.

oops--too late--she is done with the swing

Things I will miss once you're here...

1. seeing my belly roll like the ocean waves
2. being physically connected to you
3. listening to your heartbeat inside me
4. feeling little feet under my ribcage
5. seeing you respond to my nudges with a nudge of your own
6. Dave cuddling around my belly to be close to you
7. knowing you're almost completely safe in there
8. strangers starting up conversations with me because of the baby bump

Soon, soon, soon

This morning I awoke at 5 am--the usual urge to relocate to the facilities yet again.  The sun was just starting to gleam weakly through the dark curtains in the bedroom, and the baby started to roll and tumble in my tummy.  It ached, and continued no matter which way I tossed about.  I wondered, "Is this it?" I knew however that I was just being frivolous with my thoughts, my excited hope for the soon soon soon.  Only yesterday I had been told I was closed tighter than a scared turtle, not in so many words mind you, but I hoped and wondered nonetheless.  Isn't it funny--the things we consider, allowing our minds to wander aimlessly, or it is just me that lets mine go off unchaperoned without a care in the world?  I used to spend hours laying out a perfect plan of execution for the uses of the money I would win from the lottery--the lottery I never bought a ticket for, and was too young to buy.  But the soon soon soon will not quit echoing in my heart, my head, my stomach.  I see little feet the size of my thumb as I throw the tennis balls to the dogs in the early morning.  I smell baby's head as I bake banana bread before the sprinklers turn on in the haze of sunrise.  I feel small fists curl around my finger as I turn on the coffee pot and make my favorite dark roast for breakfast.  It is not this morning, but it is soon, soon, soon...

Eucharisteo

I'm reading a book right now, mentioned in my previous post, called "One Thousand Gifts."  It's very good, and today I read about eucharisteo, or thanksgiving.  How we cannot truly be saved without thanksgiving in our hearts to God, in everything.  Humans were kicked out of the garden of Eden for not being thankful for what God had given them, for looking for more.  So to remedy that, we must be thankful in everything, and this can be traced through Jesus' life on earth as well.  We see that in the most extreme circumstances, he gives thanks to his father.  The chapter I read in the book today talked about how true joy, and living in this life with a purpose, comes from our willingness to give thanks to God for all things.  I was sitting here thinking, "how do I give thanks to God for a miscarriage, for disease, for death"; just saying "thank you God for my miscarriage" was very weird, and I asked God if I was doing it right.  I want to thank him in all things, because I know that he is a God of grace, love, joy, and thanksgiving, and he gives us power to partake in those things, but physically, verbally, emotionally, HOW do we do that.  I don't have an answer really, except to say, if I ask him how, I know he will show me, so I will just keep doing it until he has perfected it in me.  So today I say eucharisteo--thankgiving, chara--joy, charis--grace, and wonder if those should be my next tattoos, to constantly remind me that they are God's keys, his gifts, his way of salvation and way living it out and accepting it in our daily lives.

If Grace is an ocean we're all sinking...

Yesterday hit me about Saturday afternoon.  "Mother's Day is tomorrow," I thought...I want to hide.  At the first "happy mother's day," I wanted to turn and run.  Instead of dredge up a smile and say, "thank you," I wanted to say, "It should have been."  But having a big baby bump is not the way to be inconspicuous on Mother's Day--you get lots of "awww's" and "when are you due"s.  Last Mother's Day I announced we were going to have a baby to my Mom & Dad; I was so excited to tell them on this day.  I sent Mom a card that said something like, "Happy Grandmother's Day," and then penciled in "again."  She didn't get it at first--but then, I was told, she burst in to tears and gave me a call.  People always ask if this is my first, and I say 'yes,' but I want to say "No, we lost Grace."  But thankfully she was never lost, and I was never alone, and God gave me Grace, and more grace, to say, "You are enough God."  

I picked up a book a friend lent me, probably 8 months ago, off my book shelf today.  I don't even remember who's book it is, but I just needed a book to read along with my quiet time, and this one caught my eye.  It's called, "One Thousand Gifts," and it's about accepting grace after hurt, death, and hardship.  Amazing that I would pick it up today--one of the Spirit's blessings that he prompts our hearts with what we need at just the right moment.  

I am blessed and constantly awed to have this new little baby growing inside me, to feel it kick and move my whole belly, to watch my swollen stomach like the ocean, moving to and fro.  But I do not forget Grace, and all that God taught us, and brought us through.

We hadn't picked out the name Grace--or really any names at that point.  Honestly telling everyone I was pregnant that early would have been frowned upon by the doctor, a careless move to give out hope so early.  We lost her only 9 weeks in, and we told everyone right away.  We were so full of hope and giddiness, that we didn't want to wait--didn't see the need.  But I'm glad, in a sense, that we shared our news, because we were able to share our heartache too, and that allowed God to work His love more deeply into our lives because we couldn't hide what was ailing us, and our family and friends, new and old, surrounded us.  

I was sitting at Fire Circle one night during camp, I'm not sure what week it was, when this praise and worship song, "How He Loves Us," was played:

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful you are
And how great your afflictions for me

CHORUS: 

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

CHORUS

I thought about you
The day Stephen died
And you met me between my breaking
I know that I still love you God
Despite the agony
See people they want to tell me your cruel
But if Stephen could sing
He'd say its not true
Cause your good

After that song, I couldn't get the word "grace" out of my head.  I went home and talked to Dave about it, how I felt maybe we should call our little one Grace, and he agreed.  Because she was such grace to us, and God showed his grace through her, and through a million other ways in our lives.  And though it is still painful to think she would have been almost six months old today,  I know God's hands were on me, and her, and Dave, and though I don't know the why,  I don't need to.  For the first time in my life maybe, I don't need to know why.  I just need to know God.  "Because these afflictions are eclipsed by glory....and I'm drawn to redemption by the love in His eyes; if grace is an ocean we're all sinking...I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves me."

Prejudices

In general, I think all people are capable of all manner of harm, but hope for them to struggle against those negative thoughts/actions/yearnings, and constantly improve on their failings.  I believe that it is extremely improbable, if not impossible, for a person to be unprejudiced.  Some may say I am using the word "prejudice" in the place of "bias," but I feel that "prejudice" IS "bias" with negative emotion attached, and therefore it works for my explanation at this point.  We so often think of prejudice in only the extreme forms--racism, religious extremism, bullying, hate crimes, etc, but we miss the ones that affect our every day actions.  The outgoing vs. the introvert, skinny vs. fat, curly hair vs. straight hair, loud vs. quiet, open-minded vs. close-minded, Christian vs. non, American vs. non, Republican vs. Democrat, Northern vs. Southern, upper-class vs. working-class, mine vs. yours, these are some of the things that control the way we do things.  Having a prejudice is always a bad thing; whereas having a bias is just a fact of life.  For example, if we have had a good experience with family, we are generally biased that our spouse is the best, that our children are the most beautiful babies, and where we lived as a child was the greatest childhood experience we could have had.  It is turning those biases into prejudices where we fall short.  If we use our bias that our child was the most beautiful baby to bash other people's babies, then our bias becomes a prejudice.  I have curly hair, am a Republican, and was home schooled; two of those things I rarely share with others for fear of being looked down upon or criticized.  However, I am also prejudiced against home schoolers--for the most part I assume home schoolers are under-socialized, poor communicators, wear weird clothes, are a bit on the odd side, and have too large of families.  I'm also prejudiced against most Republicans, because it seems to me they pick one thing to vote on or get up on their soap box about, and then ignore everything else.  On the flip side, staunch Democrats annoy me because they have literally gotten up in my face, and yelled at my "poor" decision making when it comes to the present decisions of the U.S. President I elected four years ago. (Maybe I should change to being an Independent.)  However I struggle against these prejudices because I know that they are not positive aspects of my life; they do no allow me to interact with more people in a positive way, have meaningful conversations, share common interests, or see from another point of view without altering my own beliefs.  The question I'd like to put forth to you is this: are you willing to admit that your every day, or possibly even deep seeded prejudices are real, and will you struggle against them?  I will always have prejudices, new ones that pop up with new experiences, but I pray that I will always struggle against them, to put old prejudices behind me, and push with love towards the new ones I will encounter.

Praying for His Spirit

A couple of years ago, and a couple of weeks forward in March, I wrote a blog about how I felt returning from South Africa after working in the orphanage.  I was reminded of that post, called Eustace, today when I was reading in "Forgotten God" by Francis Chan, about how the Spirit works in us.  Chan talks about how it is often a painful process of transformation that we must go through before we become what He wants us to be.  I am also reminded of what I wrote today because of the ministry we were able to interact with in Mexico on our vacation, and the many things I've been reading, and God has been teaching me in the last few weeks.  I feel a yearning to be a soldier for Him, to war against myself, putting my ego, self-esteem, personality traits, useless hungerings at His feet--laying myself down to become nothing of myself and more of Him.  The couple we met in Mexico, Gena and Andrew, run a coffee shop called El Buho (the owl) in a little town called Hidalgo (yes, like the horse movie).  They are missionaries there, the same age as Dave and I, and have just had their first son six months ago.  Their coffee shop ministers mainly to the international climbing scene (as that's why people go to Hidalgo if their not from there), and the money is used to help build Christian schools in the area.  They work in a local church with the youth group as well, plus Gena teaches at the Christian middle school, and they are helping to try and build a local library too!  They inspire me--sparking a hunger Christ has been building in me for some time now--a hunger to step OUT of my comfort zones, to be used greatly and deeply by Him.  I know that the purpose of this hunger is not to make me discontent with my surroundings, but to push me to greater sacrifice of who I am, and what I want with my life, and what exactly that means.  I want to know God's will, regardless of where or to whom it takes me.  Pray that I do exactly that--and stay open to His leadings.

Excitement

This week is an exciting week.  Today, Dave and I go to a new parent's meeting at the doctor's office.  Hoping we get to meet some other new parents, and find out what their experiences have been, and what prenatal classes they plan on taking.  Tomorrow I get to see Wicked, the musical, for the first time!!! I'm super excited about that!  Dave bought me tickets for Christmas, and we're going to make a big date night out of it.  I'm dressing up, since I rarely get to do that, and we're going out to eat Thai food before that (I've been craving it lately).  We've also been looking at baby changing tables/drawer combos.  Here's a  changing table we really like from craige's list in Burbank.  If it works out we're hoping to stop by and take a look at it tomorrow night. Sunday I leave for the Oak's Women's Retreat, down in Ventura at the beach house owned by ministry.  I've been asked to lead a Bible study session, which I'm pretty nervous about, but again, excited.  Also, Venture is right on the beach, so I'm hoping it's warm enough to at least sit on the beach for a bit and relax.  And the city has GREAT thrift stores, so definitely want to check out those with some of the ladies from here that know the place really well.  Anyway--that's about it!  Just wanted to fill you in on some excitement in my life.  

A longed for moment

This last Monday, January 10th, something happened I had been waiting for for a long time--I got to hear a heartbeat.  Ever since last July, when the time came and went when we should have been able to hear our little Grace's heartbeat, I have ached to hear that sound coming from my own belly.  Every doctor's appointment at the OB, I would hear that sound emanating from other patient's rooms, and I would wonder if that time would come for me.  Even after we were able to conceive again, with the complications we had over these last few months, I never fully allowed myself to believe that we would be allowed to hear it.  I've often spoken of how I felt about my miscarriage as a loss of innocence; like the first time a child realizes his parents aren't immortal, all-protecting beings.  I lost the ability to hope, and am still struggling to get it back.  I read a blog recently, passed on to me by a friend, that spoke of this feeling with complete clarity by another mom who has had the same experience.  After hearing that heartbeat, I cried tears of relief and joy into Dave's arms.  And yet, I don't feel pregnant.  I know that sounds weird, and I see this bump growing on my belly, and I talk about it with friends, but I don't know how to feel!  I'm not sad or depressed, but I just haven't connected with this little one.  I've read books that say this is normal, but I don't want it to be normal; I want to be uncontrollably happy for this baby growing inside me, for the future of our family, for this hope.  I mourn the loss of this innocence, but don't we all?  There are points in our lives when we lose something so dear to us, and we come to a crossroads we don't know how to continue through.  And it is at those times, if we allow him to, that God comes and leads us through it.  I pray I will start actively getting know this little one inside me; talking to it more, and worrying about it less, but for right now, I'm content to know that God is doing that for me.  He is guiding my heart, and the baby's heart, and he will connect them when mine is ready.  I do look forward to that day we will meet him or her, and I know, if not before, I will then be forever bonded to this little heartbeat within me.