Forgotten God

Once again I am sitting on the couch with my coffee, Bible open to Judges.  I am reading the end of Gideon's story, the one not told in Sunday school, and I'm surprised by what I read.  When Gideon finishes off the cities that were thwarting him, and finally returns home, he brings all the golden earrings and jewelry worn by the conquered armies.  And then, he makes a statue out of it.  I immediately think, "Why did he do that?"  He knows his people, and even his own family, have struggled with idol worship, he has seen what mighty things God has done for him, and yet he makes a statue...that quickly becomes an idol.  And the craziest thing is, he and his family end up worshiping this idol too!!!  Then Gideon dies, and the whole nation goes back to forgetting God.

I read stories like this in the Bible all the time, and I am astonished at how quickly the people of God turn away from him, yet I don't see the connection in my own life.  I forget the amazing, miraculous things God has done in my life and heart, and I complain about the smallest things, and I argue with my husband in my own selfishness.  It's the same with current events isn't it?  We look at the evil in the world, the Boston bombings for instance, and wonder why someone would do these things.  And yet, didn't Jesus say that anyone who hates his brother or sister is a murderer too (1 John 3:15)?  Therefore--are we not on the same level as the Boston bombers?!?

We want to believe that we humans have evolved to a higher level of morality than we had, oh say, 100 years ago, or even yesterday, and yet, we haven't--we are still the sinful people that God kicked out of the garden because we wanted to be on the same level as Him who created us.  Every time we try to raise ourselves above even the "lowest level of humanity" (in the world's eyes), we are giving an inch to Satan.  Our pride says, "I'm not that bad," and therefore we allow ourselves some worth in and of ourselves, and outside of the only One who can make us worthy.

I can't say that I have given over my pride to God.  I pray repeatedly that He would help me give it over, be filled with more of him, and less of me--but I think a lot of myself.

          

"Thank you God, that you have given us the Bible to remind us of who we are, what we are capable of, and why we need you in every fiber of our being. Help me daily to seek you, to be filled with more of Your Spirit, and to become more of the person you would have me be.  Thank you Lord, for your mercy, unending.  For your kindness to this broken, fleshly body, that strives to be the redeemed child you have rescued.  Thank you Lord."

ps--I highly recommend Francis Chan's book Forgotten God about allowing the power of the Holy Spirit to be active in our every day hearts and lives.  Check it out!

Coffee with Jesus

I drowsily opened my eyes this morning, already filled with exhaustion.  Last night I woke up several times, the first being at eleven pm, only an hour after falling asleep, with a feeling more akin to a drugged haze, not knowing why I was awake or why I felt as I did.  Several times throughout the night I awoke in sweat and fear, praying to God to rid me of this familiar feeling of dread--heart thumping to every sound in the night.  Though I've struggled with night terrors in the past, this was not one of these--I was still aware of God's presence.  He brought verses to my mind.."I have not given you the spirit of fear..." and reminded me he was present, even amongst my fear.  And though it did not dissipate completely, I knew I could be present with God even among the lingerings of fear, and I was not paralyzed by it.

Dave slept poorly as well, though I think that may have had a lot to do with my tossing and turning, and also how many times I left the bed for one thing or another (too hot...too cold...what is that noise...is the baby ok?).  But this morning, he got up first, as usual.  He changed the baby, and, after she was done nursing, went and had breakfast with her--she eating her oatmeal while he had cereal.  I tried to sleep some more, but I also prayed.  I prayed that "The joy of the Lord [would be] my strength" in this tired day ahead of me.  That I would be a joyful servant of God to my wonderful baby and husband, even though I was out of coffee and had no time for a nap.  And then, as Fiona was eating a snack and getting ready to go down for her morning nap, my best friend calls and brightens my morning, and my husband walks in with a thermos of coffee from the office.  I didn't ask for those things--I asked for endurance and patience--but God gave me a physical blessing instead--how wonderful!

As I sat on the couch, drinking my coffee, with the Bible splayed on my lap, I read of God's faithfulness in the small things with a man named Gideon.  You may know this story, but I'll give you a quick synopsis.  Gideon was called on by God to go into battle up against the powerful Midianites.  But God wants to make sure that the Israelites, whom Gideon will be leading into battle, know that HE, the One True God, is the one who is winning the battle for them.  So, God makes Gideon tell the majority of the Israelite army to go home, and tells Gideon to take a small number, hundreds against thousands of thousands, into battle.  "That same night the Lord said to him [Gideon], “Arise, go down against the camp, for I have given it into your hand. But if you are afraid to go down, go down to the camp with Purah your servant. And you shall hear what they say, and afterward your hands shall be strengthened to go down against the camp” (Judges 7:9-11).  Gideon is strengthened by what he hears when he goes down to the camp, he obeys God's plan to make them win the battle, and they do!  And everyone knows it is the Lord who won the battle.  Isn't that amazing!  God cares when we are afraid, even if it has no merit with the outcome.  God was going to win the battle for Gideon in fear or not, but he wanted him to be comforted.

Sometimes we don't feel comforted when we are in God's presence--he wants us to trust him through our fear, and walk through it with him anyway--but sometimes, like in Gideon's case, he comforts us for our own wellbeing.  Last night I did not feel comforted, but I knew God was with me, even in my discomfort.  That is a part of believing in Christ--trusting him in the uncomfortable places.  Do I like to be comfortable--of course!  But I know that my faith is grown even in the hard places, and I am glad God brings me through those.  Amen & amen!

*The reference in the title to "Coffee with Jesus" is an entity of Radio Free Babylon, and is a comic strip I highly recommend you check out on Radio Free Babylon's site on Facebook!

Undone

It's 10:30 in the morning, and tears have already drenched my face three times.  My sick little one sleeps in her crib, while, on the couch, tears run down my face.  I read my mom's e-mail about her missionary kids/students' trip to Lae, the things they do there, the work that opens their hearts, and I weep for those hearts.  I know that feeling, opening to this new thing, this new work God is doing in my heart, and yet not knowing exactly what it means, not yet.  I open the book we, women in our community, are studying, One Thousand Gifts, the book I am meant to be leading a discussion on today, but am sitting on the couch listening to see if my little one needs comfort instead.  I read one of the last two chapters in the book, and am undone not once, but twice.  My mind flits back to the chapters in Judges I read today, and I think about how many judges God sent the Israelites to help them defeat their oppressors, and how many times they forgot Him until they were in need again; I beg Him to help me not repeat their pattern of forgetfulness.  I feel my heart opening, my eyes brimming, and I don't know what it means, but I thank God for it--I ask for more, because I know he is bringing me somewhere, leading me to something I can't yet see.  My friends, I count them as friends even though I have only know them in person for mere days, are leaving the mission field of small town Mexico in December, and ask for others to come and fill their place.  I love that place, is God calling me there? Weeks ago, did I not dwell on the hard places God had brought me through these last few years, and ask him for more?  More hard place Lord, more hard blessings--I want them!  I don't know what this looks like, what these tears, these yearnings, are preparing me for--if it is to do dishes in service to The King, to fold laundry and clean, to care for my family in heart for His service--so be it--bring me to praise your name through the suds Lord Jesus!  I praise you Lord for these tears, for always softening my heart, for seeking me on the couch, for giving me your Word.  You are always good, and I am always loved by Love.

Waves

Every day, during Fi's nap, I turn my ipod to a white noise app. so that she can hear waves while she's sleeping.  It seems to help her sleep longer, and drowns out the noise of the outside world--maintenance men on the roof, the squeals and shouts of kids in the soccer field outside, the ringing of the telephone, etc.  Early this morning, as I lay in bed, I awoke to the sounds of those waves, but slowly realized I hadn't turned on the machine.  In the fogginess of waking, I realized the "waves" were actually the slow and steady breathing of my beloved, and I smiled groggily.  I smile even now as I write this, because those same slightly loud breaths used to keep me awake.  Irritably I would tell him to turn over so the longer distance would muffle his "loud" breathing.  Now they sound like waves of slumber.  God's grace--the sounds we used to be discontent with now lull us to sleep; we embrace them with tenderness.  Fi just awoke from her morning nap, and on the monitor I hear her talking to her stuffed animals in her crib, and know she is likely tugging off her socks and attempting to pull up on the crib wall--my big girl.  Outside I hear the kids from a few apartments down, peals of delighted chatter and laughter as they ride as fast as they can down our little hill on their riding toys.  What a marvelous, blessed place I am in--what an amazing God that he allows me to enjoy these things.  But I know every day is not like today, and that is ok too--"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” ( John 16:33).

More like Him

Today, as I was sitting in a mom's Bible study group, I realized I am understanding God's heart more now, as a mom.  I see how much I love Fiona, how much watching her grow gives me joy, and how her sadness and pain brings my own sadness and pain.  I want good things for her, but I also want her to grow in wisdom and knowledge and, most of all, love of God.  Sometimes, to grow in those things, she will have to experience loss in big and small ways; she will have to feel disappointment.  When she reaches for things that she aren't good for her, I pull them away, even though it makes her sad to not be able to have them.  And I know that doing that is the good thing to do, to give her good gifts, not things that will hurt her.  But she doesn't always know what's good for her.  Aren't we the same way with God?  Don't we reach for things, time and time again, that can hurt us?  And when God pulls those things away for our own good, don't we often get mad at him, and throw a fit because he took it away? I often tell Fiona, "I'm sorry you're sad," but that doesn't mean I give her the thing she wants anyway, because I know it is not the best for her.  Amazing how God mirrors his relationship with us through so many things in life.  He tries to show us his love through almost every story in the Bible, but also through the church, through our marriages, and through our relationships with our children.  It's just like how he told so many parables in the Bible so that people could understand; he's now showing me a parable of how he feels about me, through how I feel about Fiona, and how I want to raise her.

Thank you God for your love stories to me; for reaching me in a place I am comfortable, and showing me your love in my every day life and decisions.

Review of "Forgetting the Fairy Tale" by Donya Dunlap

In this book, the urgency with which Dunlap yearns for women to know The Truth is evident.  At first, I questioned who this book was written for, but I quickly realized it was me: and every other woman who has lost, or possibly never found, the true reason she was put on this earth.  It is wonderful to see a writer point out that God does not promise us a fairy tale life with all the trappings, but he promises us, as she says, “Peace that passes all understanding, unspeakable joy, eternal security, boundless love, and His presence with us, always.”  What else could we want?  She weaves Bible stories seamlessly into the life of the "every woman,"showing them relevant in every word written, and how we can use them as our encouragement to pursue a relationship with Christ.  

Girl's day

Today Dave is off hiking some trails in preparation for Outdoor Ed season here at camp starting in the middle of March.  So, it's just us girls at home.  We had a pj party for a while this morning, then she went down for a nap for approximating 30 minutes of her hour to hour and a half nap.  But at least I got dinner in the crock pot before she woke up.  She's now quite happily playing on the floor on all her blankets, though not with all the toys I put out.  The coffee table seems to be very intriguing to her, with the different grains of wood (don't worry, it's quite sturdy, she can't hurt herself unless she bangs her head into it).  Her favorite toy as of late has been a rubber ducky I got in the $1 section of Target--the section Dave calls "cheap plastic crap."  It's always the cheap, or free, stuff they like huh?  At least we haven't really spent any money on things for her, so I don't have anything to feel guilty over :).  Almost all her stuff, from crib to stroller, along with toys & clothes, have come from friends or family.  It's been so wonderful to live in a community where sharing is the way of life!  The hiking pack we have for Fiona right now has already been passed through three families, and is still going strong!  As I look at the floor, and see three different small quilts, made lovingly by hand especially for Fiona (not mine mind you--I do not have that kind of artistic ability in me I don't believe), it makes my heart swell with the love showered on us.

Well--my little mohawk baby is getting hungry.  She's banging her feet on the floor and making long whiney noises with the occasionally screech thrown in--I think she's gonna start crawling any day now!  I will go feed her.  Hope you all have a great day!  I'm gonna spend this chilly S. Cali day inside with my little cuddler, possibly with a fire in the stove this afternoon.  Love to you all!

Valentine to Fiona

Though I am not an early riser by choice, when you smile at me, with that 2 toothed grin, the time of  day ceases to matter. When I approach your crib, and hear coo's and gurgles, whether I've had my first cup of coffee or not drifts out of my mind. When I tickle your tummy, toes, or chubby little thighs, and that marvelous laugh of yours bubbles out, my whole days is brightened. You are a lovely, wonderful, chosen, loved, incredible gift from God my beautiful daughter, and I thank our Heavenly Father for you this first of your Valentine's Days.  Happy 7 months my wonderful blessing.  Mommy Loves you.

Love,
Mommy

challenged

It's only 3:00 pm, and I have already been so greatly challenged today!  I went to a mom's Bible study this morning, and was challenged to learn how to let others lead (this means I have to stop leading, and get out of the way sometimes!).  Then, I was listening to the President give a speech on the radio, which led to a brawlingly loud conversation over lunch about political choices, and was challenged (a bit too late unfortunately) to let my actions speak louder than my words when it comes to moral choices.  And just now, after speaking to a friend that started the non-profit I write for, The You ARE Project, I was again challenged to continue seeking God, and speaking/writing as He provides outlets for that.

This coming weekend is the Oaks women's retreat, and I will be giving my testimony at some point.  I hate when I ramble, especially when there is an important point to what I am trying to say, and I want to make sure I don't ramble while giving my testimony.  I also want to remember that there is a reason I am giving it, and that God has a vision for what He wants me to say, as opposed to rambling off my life story and calling it my "testimony."

After lunch, I was all fired up over the political conversation, that I just wanted to jump on facebook and do what I swore I would never do--let my ranting fly free and give everyone a piece of my politically charged mind.  I have done that in the past (sorry if you were privy to that moment), and know it was not a helpful thing, and often got me in trouble.  My ranting was going to point a finger at those of us (yes, I now feel I am numero uno in line for blame here) who love to tell you what we believe in, but rarely go out and help those in true need of seeing that belief become a reality.

So, in light of that, I believe I need to spend some time in prayer, and see where God is leading me to use my time, efforts, and talents to do the things He is convicting me of--whether that be volunteering, or just getting off my butt and going for a walk among His creation.  Prayer--there's another two-way street I often treat as a one-way; I need to work on listening to God as well!  Love to you all!

Goals & Blessings in 2012

I was reading a friend's blog today, and he was listing his goals for 2013.  I like that idea, and intend to pursue it, but I want to look back at 2012.  I want to make sure I truly recognize the goals I achieved, and blessings I received in the year that has passed.

Goals/Blessings:
1-Write in a public forum somehow.
This year, a friend of mine contacted me and asked me to write for her website, geared towards women of all ages, to encourage them in real, practical, Christian life.  My articles are about Dave and mine's decision to become parents, the mental process that we went through to get there, and the hardships along the way.  I am so excited to be a part of this project, and God's timing was perfect!  This writing has helped me continue to pursue my artistic desires, as well as learning and growing as a new mom!  If you want to take a look, the website is: theyouareproject.com

2-Become a mom.
It's funny as I think back over last year, my head almost skips it, and jumps back to 2011.  2011 seems like just yesterday, yet God has grown my heart in so many ways since then.  I was excited when I found out I was pregnant that year, but it took a good portion of 2012 for me to accept the idea of it.  God had to walk me by the hand through the fear I felt during my pregnancy, constantly reminding me He was with me & my baby, no matter what.  I had a hard time connecting with Fiona before she was born.  Even after the first trimester, I was scared to connect with her, because the pain of losing a baby was something I never wanted to feel again!  It was hard to "let go, and let God," heal my heart and prepare it for this new addition, while helping me continue to grieve my loss in a healthy way.  And yet he did!

3-Be pregnant.
Yes, I realize that goes kinda side-by-side with becoming a mom, but it's different.  One of the small reasons why Dave and I decided to have a baby, was so I could experience the joy of being pregnant!  It was one of the most amazing experiences I have had thus far!  It's kinda silly, but being pregnant, knowing there is literally another person growing inside you, it makes you feel a little invincible!  I felt like there was this shield over us--life we were protected somehow.  And I never felt alone.  I loved loved loved when I finally got to feel the baby move inside me, and then, later on, see her move.  I never got over that fantastic feeling--when my stomach gurgles now, I think back to that, and miss it a bit (though that does NOT mean I want to be pregnant again any time soon.  With pregnancy comes delivery--and I need YEARS to forget that, maybe longer, maybe forever).

4-Have girl friends.
I have made close friends in the past, but it has always been difficult for me.  I used to say, "Girls are just harder to befriend!" But I don't necessarily think that's true.  Guys are easier to become friends with more quickly, but not on a deeper level.  Girls, or women more precisely, take time and effort.  So really I think God may just be teaching me how to be patient, more transparent, and a little less lazy.  This past year I have become closer to some amazing women here at The Oaks, and I appreciate their friendship, and hold it dear to my heart.  I can "borrow" an onion or a cup of sugar, or just drop by for a cup of coffee.  I can cry (though I still don't like to) on their proverbial or literal shoulders, or make their day by giving them a few laughs.  In short, I can share my heart, and know it is safe.

5-Be a more involved sibling.
In 2011, through my miscarriage, and then the departure of my parents to the mission field, my siblings and I realized we may need to cling a little bit closer to each other.  In 2012, with having just become pregnant, and then later having a baby, I feel like I learned more intensely how much of a blessing family really is.  I have four siblings, so sometimes that's not easy to stay in touch with everyone.  It has always been easier for me to be closer to my sisters, which I think is normal.  Women like to talk, so we call each other often--sometimes FaceTiming too.  I do try to remember and contact my brothers, as they're not great at initiating that contact, but they're pretty good at returning a text, email, or call....eventually ;).  I made a point in the last year or so to try and be more open with my family--to share "me" even on my grungiest days, and ya know what?  They loved me anyway.

Well--that's 2012!  Onward and upward!  2013 is upon us--now go eat some nachos

Parenting = constant fear

Parenting seems to equal constant fear.  I mean, it can.  I struggle with it every day, and constantly have to pray, "God, give me your peace."  Fiona is truly sick for the first time, and everything is terrifying me.  She has a horrid cough that sounds like she's hacking up a lung, and I keep having these awful thoughts that she's going to choke on all the stuff in her sleep and suffocate!  I just prayed last night, "Lord, keep my baby safe, be with her, give her peace, make her comfortable, and give me peace Lord.  Show me what I can do to help her, and let me leave the rest in your hands."  Motherhood is scary.  If I dwelt on all the things that could happen to my precious baby every day I would be a nervous wreck!  Thank you Jesus that He guides my thoughts--otherwise I would have no hope!

Right now she is sleeping in her crib for her morning nap.  I googled different things last night to try and see what I could do to help her feel better--but I was already doing them.  Her mattress is slightly elevated at the head, there's humidifier in her room, and I'm putting saline drops in her nose and using the nose sucker.  I'm also nursing her whenever she feels like it to keep more fluids in her--and letting her rest and do things I wouldn't normally do, like watching TV (she seems to really like Dragon Tales--now that theme song is stuck in my head!).  I thanked God for giving me wisdom--though I never feel wise, but more like I'm barely balancing something that is going to crash down on my head any second.

An amazing thought I had while praying this morning was this--think about your children when they were in your womb.  If you are a believer in Jesus Christ, they were sharing a space with the Holy Spirit!  Now, theologically I know He is not physically in us--but isn't that a wonderful thought?  He created our bodies as mothers to be this nurturing, warm, and virtually perfectly safe place for our little ones to grow, so He is with them there!  And he doesn't abandon them when they enter this harsh world of germs and colds.  Even today, as Fiona seemed to be coughing in despair, when she was done with that coughing bout, looked up at me and gave me a brilliant smile!  God is with her even when she's not feeling her best, and letting her know she is loved and safe in His love.

Well, she will be up soon, and I need to get ready for her 6 month doctors visit this afternoon.  Poor Baba has to be poked and prodded while not feeling her best, but I will be there with cuddles and pacifiers to help her through it.

6 months and counting

Today is her six month birthday--where has that time gone?!  Two days ago, I tried to get her to take a nap on my chest just to get some cuddles in, but no more--she wanted her bed.  Just two months ago, should wouldn't nap anywhere else, and now if I want a cuddle she has to be half asleep.  I can still get in one or two from time to time, but she's a mover now--that's for sure.  I knew that cuddly stage wouldn't last for long, and I sure cherished each moment she gave me to just hold her close and smell her sweet head, but I do miss it a bit.  This new stage is an adventure too though.  I love seeing her rolling everywhere, reaching and grabbing all the toys around her, and starting to try and move forwards.  I put her in the Johnny Jumper the other day--she didn't jump, but she liked being able to touch the ground, and she made herself swing a little; I think she'll like it once she sees what she can do in it.  We weighed her the other night--she weighs about 15 lbs now.  She's our little chubba wubba--rolls everywhere.  For her six month birthday today, we're thinking about starting her out on carrots.  We tried cereal a couple months back, but she REALLY hated it, so we thought we'd just wait it out and start on the veggies when she turned six months old.  I'm excited to take some pictures with orange carrots all over the face--hope she likes them!

Well, she is sleeping right now, and last night wasn't a great night as the power went out and we had to pull her in bed with us to stay warm.  This resulted in not a whole lotta sleep for anyone.  To quote a friend, "I think a nap would look great on me right about now."  See ya later!

for fun: here's a pic of her eating cereal for the first time--doesn't she look thrilled?

New year

Well--it's 2013--have you gotten use to writing that yet?  I'm trying very hard to remember and write 2013 instead of 2012.  I think it's easier this year for some reason--dunno why.  I was looking at my blog today and realized I haven't posted since September--wow!  Well, I guess that's motherhood for you--though if you asked my father-n-law he would tell you I have time for everything I want to have time for, and I suppose that's true on some level.  When I have down time, I usually end up working on a column, finally getting to my daily cup of coffee, or just zoning out with a good TV show (sometimes it doesn't even have to be good).  But I want to get better at writing, and as I've been told, writing daily really helps with that.  So--my goal would be to write every day, but that doesn't necessarily mean blogging every day.  It could be working on a column or just journaling, but I am going to try and keep up with it.  This is the year!...hopefully :).

Baby girl will be 6 months old tomorrow!  It feels crazy to say that I have a six month old, but it's true!  She is squawking beside me right now as her daddy puts her pj's on (she really hates getting dressed).  We are going to start her on carrots tomorrow--that should make for some nice pictures.  She still has little hair--it's pretty much peach fuzz--but I do think it's going to be curly, and a bit red.  Yay!  I will leave you this evening with a picture I just took of her sitting on the couch with one of her toys.

Stationery card

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2 months of mama experience

Today was Fiona's 2 month check-up.  I was more than a little nervous about this visit, as our last visit, at 4 days old, was not so fun.  She had jaundice, and had been to the doctor every day since her birth--which means I had been to the doctor every day since delivering her.  I was walking barely faster than an old lady with a walker, my milk STILL hadn't come in, and Fi was ticked off.   She screamed most of the time, and I don't know HOW many nurses came to check and see what was up.  By the time Dave got us all back in the car, Fi and I were BOTH in tears.

So, today I was trepidated--I know, that's not a word, but I like the sound of it.  I had done my research on the shots she was supposed to get today, so I went in knowing what to expect from them, but not from Fi.  Sigh---it was a total relief.  She cooed and smiled, and made all the nurses fall in love with her.  She let the doctor look in her ears, weigh her, measure her, poke her tummy, everything--and didn't even cry.  Until the nurse held her down for her quick 3 shots, she was good as gold, and a little cuddling later, dried right up!  The doctor was so great at answering all my questions and concerns--I love our pediatrician!

Now I won't be so nervous about our 4 month visit--though I will probably still need to stop by Starbucks on the way :)

7 weeks

It has been seven weeks since my beautiful baby girl was born--I can't believe it!  It has changed me in so many ways.  One of the most fun is that I enjoy mornings with her.  Don't get me wrong, when I first wake up to her noises, I think, "Please--just one more hour," but when she turns on the charm, I can't help but be overwhelmed with happiness.

Mornings are Fiona's favorite time at the moment.  She is her happiest in the first hour or so of the morning.  She smiles and coos every time I talk to her--I will just melt the first time she laughs I'm sure. She giggled a little in her sleep the other afternoon--and tears sprang to my eyes immediately.  I've been trying to get her to laugh while awake, but no such luck yet.

She is currently snoozing in the swing, serenaded by classical music that came with it.  There were animal sounds at some point (it's borrowed), but they sound like a dying duck now--not quite sure why.  Classical music is supposed to make babies smarter right?  I doubt I would play it for her otherwise, since i'm not a huge fan myself, but since it's in her swing, she hears it all the time.  So, I guess I'm glad :), though the songs already run through my head, and I find myself humming --dum dum dum DUM di dum....

Well--the list of things I could do while she is asleep is racing around my head, so I'd better do something else before her morning snooze is up, or i won't get another chance for a few hours.  Here's a cute picture of morning Fiona to enjoy.

oops--too late--she is done with the swing

Things I will miss once you're here...

1. seeing my belly roll like the ocean waves
2. being physically connected to you
3. listening to your heartbeat inside me
4. feeling little feet under my ribcage
5. seeing you respond to my nudges with a nudge of your own
6. Dave cuddling around my belly to be close to you
7. knowing you're almost completely safe in there
8. strangers starting up conversations with me because of the baby bump

Soon, soon, soon

This morning I awoke at 5 am--the usual urge to relocate to the facilities yet again.  The sun was just starting to gleam weakly through the dark curtains in the bedroom, and the baby started to roll and tumble in my tummy.  It ached, and continued no matter which way I tossed about.  I wondered, "Is this it?" I knew however that I was just being frivolous with my thoughts, my excited hope for the soon soon soon.  Only yesterday I had been told I was closed tighter than a scared turtle, not in so many words mind you, but I hoped and wondered nonetheless.  Isn't it funny--the things we consider, allowing our minds to wander aimlessly, or it is just me that lets mine go off unchaperoned without a care in the world?  I used to spend hours laying out a perfect plan of execution for the uses of the money I would win from the lottery--the lottery I never bought a ticket for, and was too young to buy.  But the soon soon soon will not quit echoing in my heart, my head, my stomach.  I see little feet the size of my thumb as I throw the tennis balls to the dogs in the early morning.  I smell baby's head as I bake banana bread before the sprinklers turn on in the haze of sunrise.  I feel small fists curl around my finger as I turn on the coffee pot and make my favorite dark roast for breakfast.  It is not this morning, but it is soon, soon, soon...

Eucharisteo

I'm reading a book right now, mentioned in my previous post, called "One Thousand Gifts."  It's very good, and today I read about eucharisteo, or thanksgiving.  How we cannot truly be saved without thanksgiving in our hearts to God, in everything.  Humans were kicked out of the garden of Eden for not being thankful for what God had given them, for looking for more.  So to remedy that, we must be thankful in everything, and this can be traced through Jesus' life on earth as well.  We see that in the most extreme circumstances, he gives thanks to his father.  The chapter I read in the book today talked about how true joy, and living in this life with a purpose, comes from our willingness to give thanks to God for all things.  I was sitting here thinking, "how do I give thanks to God for a miscarriage, for disease, for death"; just saying "thank you God for my miscarriage" was very weird, and I asked God if I was doing it right.  I want to thank him in all things, because I know that he is a God of grace, love, joy, and thanksgiving, and he gives us power to partake in those things, but physically, verbally, emotionally, HOW do we do that.  I don't have an answer really, except to say, if I ask him how, I know he will show me, so I will just keep doing it until he has perfected it in me.  So today I say eucharisteo--thankgiving, chara--joy, charis--grace, and wonder if those should be my next tattoos, to constantly remind me that they are God's keys, his gifts, his way of salvation and way living it out and accepting it in our daily lives.

If Grace is an ocean we're all sinking...

Yesterday hit me about Saturday afternoon.  "Mother's Day is tomorrow," I thought...I want to hide.  At the first "happy mother's day," I wanted to turn and run.  Instead of dredge up a smile and say, "thank you," I wanted to say, "It should have been."  But having a big baby bump is not the way to be inconspicuous on Mother's Day--you get lots of "awww's" and "when are you due"s.  Last Mother's Day I announced we were going to have a baby to my Mom & Dad; I was so excited to tell them on this day.  I sent Mom a card that said something like, "Happy Grandmother's Day," and then penciled in "again."  She didn't get it at first--but then, I was told, she burst in to tears and gave me a call.  People always ask if this is my first, and I say 'yes,' but I want to say "No, we lost Grace."  But thankfully she was never lost, and I was never alone, and God gave me Grace, and more grace, to say, "You are enough God."  

I picked up a book a friend lent me, probably 8 months ago, off my book shelf today.  I don't even remember who's book it is, but I just needed a book to read along with my quiet time, and this one caught my eye.  It's called, "One Thousand Gifts," and it's about accepting grace after hurt, death, and hardship.  Amazing that I would pick it up today--one of the Spirit's blessings that he prompts our hearts with what we need at just the right moment.  

I am blessed and constantly awed to have this new little baby growing inside me, to feel it kick and move my whole belly, to watch my swollen stomach like the ocean, moving to and fro.  But I do not forget Grace, and all that God taught us, and brought us through.

We hadn't picked out the name Grace--or really any names at that point.  Honestly telling everyone I was pregnant that early would have been frowned upon by the doctor, a careless move to give out hope so early.  We lost her only 9 weeks in, and we told everyone right away.  We were so full of hope and giddiness, that we didn't want to wait--didn't see the need.  But I'm glad, in a sense, that we shared our news, because we were able to share our heartache too, and that allowed God to work His love more deeply into our lives because we couldn't hide what was ailing us, and our family and friends, new and old, surrounded us.  

I was sitting at Fire Circle one night during camp, I'm not sure what week it was, when this praise and worship song, "How He Loves Us," was played:

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath
The weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these
Afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize how beautiful you are
And how great your afflictions for me

CHORUS: 

Oh how he loves us so
Oh how he loves us
How he loves us so

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart burns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about the way
He loves us

CHORUS

I thought about you
The day Stephen died
And you met me between my breaking
I know that I still love you God
Despite the agony
See people they want to tell me your cruel
But if Stephen could sing
He'd say its not true
Cause your good

After that song, I couldn't get the word "grace" out of my head.  I went home and talked to Dave about it, how I felt maybe we should call our little one Grace, and he agreed.  Because she was such grace to us, and God showed his grace through her, and through a million other ways in our lives.  And though it is still painful to think she would have been almost six months old today,  I know God's hands were on me, and her, and Dave, and though I don't know the why,  I don't need to.  For the first time in my life maybe, I don't need to know why.  I just need to know God.  "Because these afflictions are eclipsed by glory....and I'm drawn to redemption by the love in His eyes; if grace is an ocean we're all sinking...I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves me."